My father (70s) died and I (30s) have no interest in going to the funeral or dealing with his family, but I’m being told I’ll regret it later?

43 comments

1. Really hard to give advice because each situation is different. Personally, I haven’t regretted going to a funeral, but I have regretted NOT going.

   I think it’s ok if you don’t go. Your idea of saying some sorta goodbye at the grave afterward makes sense. If you do change your mind, do it on your terms. You don’t need to be involved. You could even just literally show up at the interment and watch from a distance, for example.

2. I would go, he wasn’t a good man, but he was your father. You are super pregnant with a little one, everybody will understand when you make it quick there, say hello, go to mass and excuse yourself after dinner.

   Don’t be there for him, be there for yourself.

3. It’s your decision and you have to do what’s best for you.

4. I would suggest you post on reddits for adult children coming from family like yours. Maybe r/narcissisticparents or r/raisedbynarcissists ? Their experience and perspective will be more in line with yours as they probably experience sth similar like you.

5. If you don’t intend on continuing a relationship with your father’s wife and her children, you don’t need to worry about being “part of the family.” I don’t think it’s necessary to attend a funeral to say goodbye to a person, especially because, the way I see things, the person is gone and won’t know whether you’re at their funeral or not. I think funerals are really for the deceased person’s loved ones, and if you don’t feel close to anyone in your father’s family, that might have limited utility for you.

   I think you should do what feels right for you here. If that’s attending the funeral so you know you won’t have regrets, then go. You don’t have to hang with everyone and act like you’re one big happy family; you can sit in the back and skip out quickly once the funeral is done. I don’t think anyone would/should expect much from a daughter of the deceased. If it would feel more right to skip the funeral and visit your father’s grave on your own later, that’s also totally fine. You have the world’s easiest excuse – you’re literally nine months pregnant! No one rational should argue with, “Look, I’m extremely pregnant, I’m gonna give birth any day now, this just won’t work for me.”

   FWIW, I went to my abusive grandfather’s funeral, mainly to support my mom, and I got nothing out of it. It was awkward and boring and didn’t give me ~closure or whatever. I guess I’m glad I went because it seemed to help my mom, but if not for that, I would have been completely fine skipping the whole thing. There was no one there I particularly wanted to see, and it was uncomfortable being in a situation where some folks were legitimately grieving a person who badly hurt my family.

6. No judgment here. Do what is right for you and don’t be badgered by others who have no idea what you feel. Your own plans for visiting his grave later (or whatever they may be) are all you need.

7. It doesn’t sound like you’ll regret it. If he wanted you to be sad about his death, he should have lived his life differently.

   You’re not mourning him, you don’t want to support or hug anyone else who’s going, and you’re massively pregnant. I think if ever anyone got to sit out their dad’s funeral, it’s you. Send some flowers if you have thirty quid to spare so you can tell your mum you paid your respects in a medically sensible way, and move on.

8. You’ll probably have regrets about your choice no matter what you choose, because this is an emotionally complicated situation. If you don’t go, you’ll always wonder to some (probably mild) extent if it would have let you make some kind of peace (probably not). If you do go, you’ll regret the energy spent on somebody who really did not deserve more of it during a time where it sounds like you already have a lot on your plate, and the increased contact with the rest of the living family you prefer not to contact.

   Give yourself permission to make the decision you want to make in this moment, and don’t worry too much about the regrets. There wasn’t a right choice, just the one you made.

9. I don’t plan to attend my ‘mother’s’ funeral. No regrets.

10. **Grief is the last act of love we have to give someone.** You can show your father love, respect and grieve his loss; without going to the funeral.

    Write your own tribute to him, think of the good memories you have of him; think of the things he taught you. Cook and enjoy a meal he would have said is one of his favorites; look back on old memorabilia/photos that he was involved in. Have your own celebration of life and grieve without bowing to your insane family.

    You do not have to go to a funeral to show respect to someone; especially if going to that funeral is likely to end up in drama/fighting/not getting any closure. It becomes about the other people at that point instead of focusing on the person who you lost. Your family doesn’t sound necessarily understanding or forgiving; I can almost hear the guilt trips about you living in another country already. Personally, if you don’t have anyone who you’d want to see, I wouldn’t go.

11. The easiest way to deal with these comments is not to argue with them. Thank them for their concern, but tell them you’re gonna risk it. You’re confident in your choice, and you’re comfortable with the risk that you *may* regret it.

    Your mother sounds sincerely concerned for your well-being. Don’t debate her. Just say “You know Mom, I don’t think I’ll experience regret. I’m really confident in my choice, but if there are consequences I’m prepared to accept them. Thank you for worrying for me.”

    It sounds like this really is about managing and addressing your mother’s feelings about your father’s death, and no so much your own or your connection with his family.

12. It sounds like you’re original family was kind of a bummer and your step family was kind of a bummer. So you don’t have good connections with any of those previous useful relationships. I’m a big proponent of family staying connected, but in this case, your example of my pain exception. If you go, you could keep it brief say hello say goodbye and wish everyone well. If you don’t go, I would send cards or letters and show some concern. Sorry for the loss. Wish you well.

13. You won’t regret it. Doesn’t sound like he was much of a father so why would you ever regret not going to the funeral. don’t go

14. My dad died last November and I did not return to my home town for anything. I did not get along with his family (my step-family) and could barely tolerate him for the last 20 or so years since my mom died. I do not regret my decision and I don’t foresee regretting it in the future. Going out there to “say goodbye” would have served me in no positive way so I didn’t go. Don’t go to placate your mother, or anyone else. If being around those people in that situation is not going to be a positive experience for you or bring you any sort of closure or comfort, don’t go. And when you mother brings it up again, tell her you’re done talking about it, and be done talking about it.

15. It sounds like you are going to the hospital today, but not any of the rest (funeral). Isn’t that saying goodbye to your dad and showing your respects? Isn’t that honoring him?

    Even if you decide not to go to the hospital, as a everyone says, you absolutely don’t need to attend “family” events. But it sounds like saying goodbye to your dad in the hospital is more that enough, and much more personal than attending the funeral.

16. My Dad passed in 1998. While he was a loving and involved Dad and Pop Pop his family was and is the worst! I have 2 siblings, my parents couldn’t have children so all 3 of us are adopted. My brother, named after our Dad, is Korean. I did NOT want to notify his family that he passed. At the time he passed I had not spoken to anyone in his family for about 10 years. My Mom forced me to call his family and tell them then they did the normal thing and all showed up! Very AWKWARD!!! They had no clue had gotten divorced and remarried or had another child. My Dad saw his family bout twice a year the last 10 years of his life and us kids and my Mom all choose not to see them as we were not viewed as family. I grinned and bared his family out of respect for my Dad but knew I’d never speak to any of them every again after his funeral. I THOUGHT they got all their digs in the 4 days leading up to his funeral…they did NOT! His mother, while in line to go view his coffin, told someone with her (no clue to this day who the lady was) “Oh Rich didn’t have any real kids. Those are his fake kids with his fake wife”. Thank GOD and the UNIVERSE I was physically holding my sister upright because I let her go and was about to throw that dam woman OUT of Dad’s funeral but my sister could not stand without me so I had to grab her again and just FUMED! Just because my parents could not have biological children does NOT make less his kids or make my Mom NOT his wife! At the luncheon afterwards when any of them approached me I repeated “I’m nobody to you leave me alone or I will physically remove you from my Mom and Dad’s yard”. I so wish we had excluded them from my Dad’s funeral. They didnt’ earn the right to be there!

17. I didn’t go to my father’s funeral, I live a few hundred miles away, don’t drive and I’m chronically ill and disabled. It was just a small affair with a very few relatives at the grave site. I’ve never regretted it, I suppose the exprerience would have been interesting but a lot of effort. And I got on with him well enough. If you don’t want to go don’t go. Funerals are for the people who are left and if you don’t like any of them it is a no brainer.

18. I had a crappy father who died, too. I wasn’t there when he passed. Even though he was crappy I regret that more than anything else in my whole life.

    His memorial service? Not so much. I went because it was expected, I cried because I’m a crier, but I had zero strong feelings about going or not going. It wouldn’t haunt me if I hadn’t gone.

    Do what you feel right. In my experience regret isn’t for missing funerals.

19. I don’t think you’ll regret it. People are too hung up on the fact that it’s not nice to be not nice to the dead, but you know what, the fact that they’re dead doesn’t make them a saint all of a sudden. If they’re telling you you’ll regret it, they’re really being selfish because it’ll reflect badly upon their choice. Trust your gut.

20. Wasn’t great. Or was horrible. Makes a big difference.

    Everyone has flaws. We all have flaws. If he wasn’t just great I’d Goto the funeral. If he was say an abusive pos then fk no.

21. I have bias because I am no contact with one parent. Apathy is the only possible emotion I will feel when she dies, and it upsets a lot of people because when people hear that they reflect their own life experiences onto our type of situation. They miss their mom/dad and that is why they think you’d regret it.

    I would take the opinion of people who are trying to tell you how to feel with a massive grain of salt. Grieving isn’t a linear one size fits all experience, and funerals and services aren’t for the dead but the people that survived them.

    I’ve lost a lot of people, and to this day when I think of them I become extremely emotional. That isn’t the case for my mom, and she earned that apathy with her actions and choices.

22. My advice: don’t be gaslighted. Your father was terrible, his other family are terrible. You’ll never speak to them again. You aren’t really all that sad. Why go? Because someone is trying to convince you it has any bearing on anything. You will likely regret actually going when you arrive and have to deal with all the awkward things.

    If I were in your shoes, I certainly would not go, and I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt. I wouldn’t be pressured into wasting my time on ppl, who did not contribute positively to my life in any way.

23. I’ve always said funerals (and memorial services) are for the living. They’re for people who were connected to the dead to have closure and to be able to talk to others who are mourning or otherwise affected by the death to be able to talk and share stories and process their grief.

    So, do you think you’d be doing any of that? Do you think that by going, you’d be there to share your grief and have a sense of togetherness with others attending the funeral and find that comforting? Or would you be fulfilling an obligation?

    Honestly, being so far along in a pregnancy and having a toddler is *also* a good reason not to go if anyone asks you and you feel like you need a “reason”. Say you’re worried about how much stress the travel would put on the pregnancy, or that you want to be there to support your toddler who would get too stressed at the funeral and you plan on having a private moment with your child and partner later

24. No one gets to tell you how to feel when someone dies. They don’t get to tell you how to mourn, how long, and where to do it. If you’re not interested in seeing anyone at the funeral or wake, don’t go. It won’t be comfortable (you’re so pregnant), and will be emotionally trying for you at an already difficult point in your life (you’re pregnant). You also can’t risk getting COVID this close to the birth, nor do you want to risk being exposed to a cold, the flu, or RSV.

    Don’t go. Mourn or don’t on your own terms. And tell your mom that no one gets to dictate your feelings or needs to you. If you need to work through something later, you can pay a therapist.

25. If their only line of argument is “you’ll regret it,” they’re leaving you an easy out: Your regrets (if indeed you do end up regretting it, which doesn’t sound like a guarantee) are your own to deal with, not any of theirs.

26. Funerals (/memorials/etc) are for the living. He won’t know or be offended whether you go or not. If you don’t feel like you will ever regret not attending to formally say goodbye to him or pay respects, and if the potential family drama from you not coming is something you’re prepared for, then don’t go.

27. You won’t regret it. Say goodbye in your own way.

28. A funeral is for the living not the dead. There is no one living you wish to see than don’t. You can always do your own thing later in your own way if you wish.

29. Nah your mom just talking smoke.

    Sounds to me like you buried your father in your heart many years ago and a funeral now is just a silly party you’re being pressured to attend.

    For discussions about it or him, “No” is a complete sentence. Also “Stop talking about this or I will hang up/leave” establishes boundaries well.

    A funeral is for those who remain. A lot of people find the same closure by going to the grave and pouring out a can of cheap beer.

    The path of sorrow, saying goodbye etc. is definitely a thing and something that’s mostly beneficial and healthy, but you’ll walk that yourself if you see fit. The funeral itself? Nothing special.

30. Another option you could go to the funeral home where he is and have a private goodbye. I think the funeral sounds like a trap of yuck. But if you want to be sure this is another option. I went and said goodbye to my stepdad before he was cremated. Just me.

31. If you decided later that you made a mistake, you can always reach out and try to mend bridges.

    In the meantime trust yourself to know what is right for you.

32. i´m kinda on the same boat as you, my father roughly the same age and he was the same, i didn´t regret a thing, the title father is easily given but not many men can actually live up to it, it takes work to be a good father, a father his children will miss, personally i have a serious dislike for funerals in general, follow your gut on this one, it´s your choice to make don´t let anyone guilt trip you into doing something, plus you are ready to pop

33. Don’t go. My dad was terrible and his death at first was shocking and I cried, but after that I felt nothing. He didn’t really do anything that positively impacted my life and he cheated on my mom multiple times and blah blah blah. It’s not like I could have gone to his funeral since it was held in another country, but if I could have then I still wouldn’t. I don’t think you’ll regret it I mean what’s there to regret? From your post it doesn’t seem like he was good to you so what’s the point in attending?

34. Funerals are for the living. If you don’t feel like you’ll get anything out of it, don’t go.

35. Funerals are for the living.

    I would only consider attending if my presence gave comfort to someone who I cared about. That doesn’t seem to be the case here.

    My advice is for you to exercise your right to self-care and not go.

36. Only you’d know if you’d regret it. Otherwise, some people (even if the relationship was good) don’t need to be at a funeral for their brand of closure. And that’s ok.

37. I didn’t go to my birth father’s funeral for many of the same reasons and I don’t regret it at all.

38. My father was NC with me for 10 years. 2 weeks before he died we got together and saw each other. He died suddenly of a heat attack. I didn’t like his new wife or her children all married with kids.

    I went to his funeral anyway. I had my own relationship with him.

    The friends that he made from being married to his second wife didn’t even know i existed.. It was a sad day for me.

39. You won’t. Keep any good memories you have of him, having to deal with any type of fighting will taint his memory more than not going.

    I had a similar issue and didn’t go because I knew it would be a mess, and then I decided to tough it out when my mother passed shortly afterwards… I definitely regret going, I don’t regret not going to my father’s.

40. You won’t regret it. My mom was in a similar situation with her father: he died, and the state made her pay for his autopsy/cremation. His ‘family’ was so angry she didn’t plan a funeral but why would she, if the relationship was negative.

    She has zero regrets. Regrets can be worked out in therapy, anyway.

    Wishing you the best.

41. Whatever you choose, you’ll probably regret it more if you make a choice because of what your mom is telling you.

42. You absolutely don’t have to go, if you feel that all your goodbyes aren’t over or you need to find closure you can visit his graveside at any time without the rest of those people. Give yourself time to think about it but from what you wrote I see no benefit of going.

    I went NC with my dad and his new family over five years ago and went through the grief of losing that relationship long ago, so I can understand not feeling any regret about not attending the funeral.

43. While I think it is important to say goodbye, you can say goodbye to him anywhere, anytime. With a candle on your chimney, a flower in a river, a certain song, a certain dish, … whatever works for you.