Tldr; my live in partner has started constantly judging me and becoming moody at the slightest perceived transgression. It’s joyless and really starting to piss me off and I don’t know how to get the dynamic to change
So I moved in with my partner of 2.5 years about 6 months ago. Up until around a month ago, it was great. However we seem to have turned some corner now and the sex has dropped off (to about once a week), he seems totally disinterested in me and my life, and when we do interact he talks to me like I’m stupid and picks faults with literally everything I say. I would say that I’m not as intelligent as him – he’s also a lot older, which has never been a problem in the past, but I guess he has more life experience than me. I’ve never dated someone this much older than me before and I was wary of red flags when we first got together but there really are none- he had been respectful, kind, and generous sharing his life with me. But something had just changed now and it feels like he’s sick of me. Some examples:
-He bans me from drinking anything while sitting on the couch, saying it could spill because I’m clumsy
-He watches me like a hawk when I clean up and critiques my performance like an exam proctor, telling me where I’ve missed a spot, then tries to make a joke of it but doesn’t bother to clean as much as I do himself
-If we’re having a debate or even just a light conversation, he’ll unfailingly pull this withering expression at one of my points, as if it’s so dumb it makes him question his attraction to me, but then never offers a productive counter argument, just disengages as if it’s beneath him
-He’s stopped initiating sex as much
-He turns the radio on when I’m talking to him then apologises, like he literally forgot I was talking to him
-I earn more than him and he said when he was drunk I had probably “charmed” my way into my job, as if I’m not capable enough to get it on merit and hard work when that’s exactly what I did
-He has started picking fights over tiny things, like I had a day off work (which I had worked 13 hours overtime to earn) the other day and he said I was a lazy person when I had a lie in. I laughed thinking it was a joke – we do sometimes lightly roast each other – but instead of smiling he just looked really pissed and stormed off and didn’t talk to me for hours
It makes me feel so small and he’s never made me feel this way before but it just brings back memories of terrible gaslighty relationships that were basically built on a foundation of negging and lovebombing.
I know he isn’t a manipulative person like that but I’m worried I’m just not enough for him and I hate the way that feels. He is very much conflict averse when it comes to emotions, so we don’t have many fights and very few long heartfelt chats. He is more the kind of person who expresses love by actions rather than words. I’ve always liked that about him, but he’s stopped doing that, and because of his aversion to feelings talks I can’t see a way of broaching this with him or changing the dynamic. I don’t want to give up on our relationship because we’re well suited in most ways and I really love him. If we broke up it would leave a massive hole in my life and I would feel completely alone.
But if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it because I can’t see a way out of the woods
25 comments
I think you need to look into narcissistic personality disorder. From the stuff you’re describing it seems to me that your boyfriend gets off on making you feel stupid. He literally derives pleasure from your discomfort. That is a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. The overt type for there are I believe four different types of narcissists. I was married to a man who behaved much like you’re describing, and when we went to marriage counseling, the therapist told me that he had NPD. Things don’t get better when you’re dating a narcissist. It doesn’t matter how wonderful you are. Because there is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with them.
However, I will tell you that the person that is most responsible for your protection in your happiness is your self. The real question is why are you willing to put up with someone who so obviously doesn’t like you? What happened in your childhood or your past that set you up to believe that Hurting the people you love is a normal thing? Personally, I grew up in a home riddled with domestic violence, so to me, pain was a part of love. That’s honestly what I believed. And I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself in the years since I left him. I have been in a wonderful marriage now for 20 years and when I think back to what I had with my first husband, comparing the two relationships is mind blowing.
As cliché as it sounds, I could not find true love until I first learned to love myself. I think you really need to fix your relationship with yourself, but first you absolutely have to get rid of your boyfriends. Show yourself by getting rid of him that you put your needs first. Show yourself by getting rid of him that you can trust yourself to make the right decisions for you.
No, absolutely not. There’s a reason a nearly 40 yo is interested in dating someone younger- he’s absolutely a manipulative person and is acting extremely controlling and mean. Emotional abuse signs for sure. Move on
>He is very much conflict averse when it comes to emotions,
This is someone who’s incapable of being in a relationship, even if he weren’t a huge manipulative ass hole. Do not tolerate it in the future and your dating life will be much easier.
Why do you think a 36 year old started dating a 25 year old? I’ll tell you this, it wasn’t because he’s emotionally well adjusted or mature.
**Holy ducking field of red flags! You need out OP, you need to break this relationship off! You need to break lease and move out or kick him out.**
>I would say that I’m not as intelligent as him – he’s also a lot older
This is how older people end up with more “power” in a relationship. This is exactly the mentality that lets them do the abusive power plays you see in relationships with large age gaps. They say things like “I’m older and wiser and have dealt with these things before so default to my judgment.” And the younger person just follows suit! They don’t challenge the older person and trust that they have their best internets at heart. Then they move in together or get enough legal documentation together that there now baggage and leverage and it’ll be a pain to break up, and that’s when they let their shitty behavior truly come out. Like this whole situation is a narcissists wet dream. It’s literally their very predictable playbook. “Play nice and keep the mask on until it’s too late for my victim to pull out. Then once they are hooked, let em’ have it!”
OP, please look into narcissistic abuse and how to get out. You need to start planning to get out ASAP! This guy is not going to change.
What changed is you moved in together. He doesn’t have to try/woo you anymore and feels you are now not going anywhere. So, his TRUE self is emerging. He is absolutely a manipulative person, putting you down and making you feel small is intentional. If he tears you down enough, you won’t leave. This is a systematic, step-by-step approach to eroding your self esteem. I would suggest talking to someone, therapy wise, to see why the “terrible gaslighty” relationships you mention have attracted you. Time to break that cycle and get happy and get gone!
“aversion to feelings talks” is an aversion to putting in the work to maintain a relationship. It’s an aversion to being an adult.
He is training you to be a different person. The person he wants is not you. In fact, she is not a real person. You say he is not manipulative, I disagree.
If he knows how to clean better, let him clean. If he knows all about whatever the topic don’t talk to him.
He is, at best, rude and disrespectful. Why tolerate it?
His true colors are showing
You can’t fix it because it’s him being the problem. He sounds exhausting
This behavior is common with abusers. Once you get to a stage in the relationship where they think they have you “locked in” (moving in together, marriage, kids, etc) then the mask starts to drop.
Your bf is selfish, cruel, and manipulative. This isn’t going to change. He knows what he’s doing, he knows he’s hurting you, and not only does he not care, he’s doing it deliberately.
Please, please get away from him, it’s only going to get worse.
He is an abuser, slowly turning up the heat on you. Girl, no.
Girl, this isn’t a red flag. It’s a goddamn parade of em’.
He’s probably cheating. Most people start looking for every little flaw and picking arguments over stupid shit to hide what they are doing.
Either that or he’s showing his true colors and is actually abusive and manipulative.
I’ve had exes that acted the same way. Many because they were cheating and at least one who was actually a narcissistic jerk who hid it until he thought he had me “hooked”.
Either way, I’d say get out now before you’re more invested. This isn’t going to end well for you if you stay. You’re going to wind up going crazy trying to figure out what you’ve done wrong and walking on eggshells everyday around him.
> and because of his aversion to feelings talks I can’t see a way of broaching this with him or changing the dynamic.
This is what it feels like to have zero power in a relationship. He has effectively trained you to take whatever treatment he decides to dish out without uttering a word of complaint. You are so sure that communication is pointless and improvement is impossible that you have reduced your choices to “accept indefinite misery” or “dump him,” and you’ve already decided that dumping him would be unbearable.
Did you intend to give up that much power when you started this relationship?
>I know he isn’t a manipulative person like that
>I’m worried I’m just not enough for him
But he is manipulative in the sense that he’s making you question your worth with his actions. Please get out, OP 🙁
He’s sounds abusive and now you’re moved in he feels comfortable being his real self
He is not treating you right. Everything you listed is beyond disrespectful. If he won’t communicate his problems with you and decides to take them out on you by being a jerk, it will be hard for this relationship to get back on track. This isn’t a healthy dynamic.
Guess what? He IS a manipulative person and not only are you “enough” for him, you’re too good for him. Now that you’ve moved in, he’s showing you who is really is – a mean, controlling, condescending, sex-withholding AH. I mean, c’mon – “you probably charmed your way into your job”?? Trying to diminish you because you make more money than he does. He’s even got you convinced that you can’t talk to him about anything emotional/important. Pretty good deal for him, huh? You need to take a long, hard look at this relationship. You absolutely WILL survive without him. In fact, you’ll probably thrive.
There is a way out of the woods and its *without him* because EW. His behaviour is disgusting.
Listen when people tell you who they are. He’s telling you right now.
He wants to make you feel beneath him, for whatever reason. It’s usually a reason based in misogyny, whether subconscious or not. He’s beating you down, he’s being emotionally abusive and manipulative. Maybe it’s because he is actually super insecure and doesnt want his woman to feel more intelligent, attractive or better in any way than him.
Please leave. Your red flags have arrived.
Gross. You’re too young for that BS. Girl you are smart, a hard worker, and I bet damn good looking. Time for you to be independent from this loser. Seriously.
Just adding another voice to the chorus of “he is abusive and will keep escalating, leave him NOW.” If he’d shown his true face earlier, you never would’ve moved in with him, would you? Now he’s comfortable enough and feels like he’s got enough control over the situation to treat you like shit with no repercussions.
That is what narcissistic personality disorder looks and sounds like. You are experiencing narcissistic abuse, they have the emotional intelligence of 5yr olds and are stuck in schadenfreude, why they cut everything you do down and attempt to control everything selfishly. They use people as attention supply, and as long as you fit their idea of how attention supply should act they like you, but if you don’t then they show you their true self. Run away as fast as you can, they don’t change, they only get worse.
The frog that is slowly boiled will not realize it’s being cooked alive. Op you’re seeing his abuser side take light, now he’s got you where he wants you, and he’ll hold the fact you live with him and “where would *you* go” over your head. Textbook stuff. Get out now
Are you sure he is more intelligent than you, or you just assumed he must be because he’s older and condescending? He might just be older and condescending, you know.
I’m asking mainly because you’re saying this is new behavior, if it is really new then I wonder how come you’re so deferrent to him already. You earn more, you do more around the house, when you have discussions he never even bothers to give arguments… How did you come to the conclusion that you’re intellectually inferior?
You tolerate shtty behavior from him and your response to it is “I’m sad that I’m not enough for him”. You sound like someone who ratonalizes others’ treatment of you by finding faults within you instead of considering that maybe the person being mean to you is an asshle and maybe they should check themselves.
There’s probably more to this than just last month. Are you in therapy? Can you go? A therapist would be able to help you make sense of it and learn how to stand up for yourself.