Fiancé (38 M) won’t stop smoking cig at work. Bums off coworkers. I (39 F) ask please stop because of health and bc he doesn’t smoke them on day off with me and but then is super irritable bc of nic fit. Also fibs and lies saying he hasn’t had any but then I looked out the window once and there was one in his mouth. I’m hurt he won’t even try to stop having them and bc of the lies to my face. Any advice or insight? He says “don’t worry about it mind your business” but we are supposed to be getting married isn’t this my business? Told him isn’t what I want more important than fitting in with guys at work who peer pressure him to smoke with them? It’s like I’m not.
Tl;dr! Fiancé won’t stop bumming cig at work then lies to my face about it. What to do?
15 comments
You have valid reasons to not want him to smoke, but you cannot change your husband just because you want him to be different. He’s not ready to quit and you are forcing it on him, and I’ve never seen that go well. Even if you do get him to quit, he will almost certainly resent you in some way.
*fiancé
You have to decide whether either of the two issues here are dealbreakers for you.
* The smoking
* The lying
If smoking and lying are hard boundaries for you perhaps you need to reconsider your plans.
It’s not just about the smoking, it’s about the lying. If he can’t be honest with you about something like this, what else is he hiding? You deserve to be with someone who respects your health and also values honesty in a relationship.
He shouldn’t lie to you, and that would worry me a lot. It worries me he doesn’t have the strength to be honest with you. What would you want to do if he stopped lying and honestly told you, “I want to smoke. I am going to keep smoking. I am willing to not smoke around you, but beyond that, I will smoke.”
Personally, I think you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who smokes if you are pressuring them to stop smoking. Either you accept him as he is or you don’t. But you need to figure that out before you address the lying, because it sounds like he is lying to you to avoid the hard relationship conversation you need to have where you decide if you are okay being with a smoker or not.
He’s not being “peer pressured” by coworkers to smoke. He’s addicted.
As a fellow nicotine addict I just want you to understand that no amount of pissing and moaning on your part will make him quit.
Also, nicotine receptors in your brain release dopamine so you feel good immediately. Quitting nicotine is known to be as hard, or harder, than quitting heroin. No amount of nagging will change that.
If his smoking is a deal breaker, then tell him and return the ring.
Its an addiction and he smoked before and when he met you. Instead of trying to shame him to quit and trying to mold him into your ideal husband, go find someone else that will tolerate your insufferable judgement and mindfuckery.
Nicotine is super addictive and quitting is extremely hard. Maybe you can encourage him to switch to patches instead of cigarettes. Without the ritual of a cigarette it might be easier to gradually step down his dosage rather than going cold turkey.
You can not make him stop smoking. it is simple as that. Is is bad decision to start smoking? Yes. And still, there is no way for him to stop unless he actually want it.
He made his position clear – he wont stop smoking. You can break up or stay.
Marriage does not give us complete control over other persons decisions nor should it. Even when their decisions are harming them.
He’s got to want to quit and it doesn’t sound like he does unfortunately.
I’m also trying to stop. We have all the reasons why we should, but addiction is really hard. Especially when it’s something so social acceptable an easily available.
You need to have a serious conversation about this with him. Sit him down. Make it formal. Tell him how much this hurts you. Maybe something will click and he’ll want to quit.
Don’t be too hard on him. It’s really really hard to quit.
His body, his choice, your life, your choice, marry a smoker or don’t, but don’t get married thinking it will change later it won’t… for most, I quit after 30 years not because my wife asked but because I want to be here for my family… I smoke weed now.
The biggest thing here is the blatant disrespect, lying to your face now, imagine what he will lie about down the road,
Well he’s right, you should mind your own business, unless he deliberately blows smoke in your face.
Had a ex girlfriend try to shame me into turning vengan and the relationship didn’t last past 8 months. How’s he still your fiancé is beyond me, you are lucky.
If being with someone who does not smoke is important to you then this won’t be the relationship for you. He’s not ready to quit smoking and forcing it is not the best way to go. You have a choice to make 1) stay in the relationship with a smoker 2) move on and find someone who doesn’t smoke.
Stop trying to change him. He’s an adult and he can make his own choices about what he does with his body. It’s not your choice.
Having said that, he has to be aware that his choices do impact you and as such, there are consequences to them.
The lying is unacceptable. And if being with smoker AND a liar is not something you’re willing to do, you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
No ultimatums. Just hard boundaries that if they are crossed, it’s over.
He’s not smoking because of peer pressure, he’s doing it because he wants to. You can’t change him and the more you try to pressure him to quit, the more he’s going to get secretive about it. Either accept he’s a smoker and marry him or accept he’s a smoker and break up. Those are your options.