This happened last night so I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I can do.
My girlfriend (24F) and I (25M) were together for almost 2 years, share a lot of common interests and I genuinely thought that she was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. One of the key differences is our sense of family; she is very close with her family and they often do events/holidays/anything together when possible, while my family rarely does anything together, and while I know that they are there to help me when I need it, I’ve never really felt like I can go to them for anything more than just something on a surface level.
To sum each of us up, she isn’t super religious but still holds some Christian beliefs and wants children, while I am agnostic and don’t necessarily want kids but could see us having them. I was raised in a non-religious household and didn’t have exposure to it until the middle of highschool-ish and continue to not believe in it, while she was raised Christian, and did all of the youth group church stuff growing up, her grandparents are very religious, parents were not super religious but still believe, and she is less than that.
Last Wednesday my gf and I were out to lunch and our conversation got on the topic of children and religion. She brought up in the future if/when we did have kids, that she would want to raise them by teaching them the religious aspects of holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc) and going to church. My response was that I wouldn’t want to bring my kids up in any religion so as to not force them into that just because their parents said so, I want them to have the freedom of choice. She showed concern then about not being able to bring our kids around her family and started crying, so I immediately went into comforting mode and stopped the conversation to try and help her feel better. After we got home, we talked about it a little more, and breaking up did come up in the conversation but we both said that we didn’t want to give up and could talk about this at a later date.
Over the next few days, I tried to avoid that topic but the thought kept popping into my head. I could tell texts with her were a little more “dry” than normal, but I figured that was just stress from her master’s program and a water leak that she came home to on Sunday. Jump to Monday (yesterday), I ask her if everything is okay but didn’t get a response for an hour or so. I call her to make sure and I could tell in her voice that something is off so I ask to come over. I get there and we talk, right off the bat she tells me that she didn’t realize how much of an impact not being able to raise kids in a religious environment would be, but after hearing it come from me it made her question our future. I asked what it would take to keep us going but she said that in every scenario she thought of, one of us wouldn’t be 100% happy and it isn’t fair to either of us to not be able to give our partner what they want. And while I agree with this statement for the most part, I can’t help but feel like there is some sort of compromise that would help us out. I don’t want to give up on her, but I also know that (short of finding god) I can’t give her what she wants and it feels pointless to keep trying to force a future that isn’t there.
I know that there is no “right” answer when it comes to religion and I’m not holding that against her at all, nor am I mad at her for her reason. Are there relationships out there that overcome religious boundaries or is it best to move on and accept the breakup?
TL;DR: GF has religious beliefs + wants kids in the future and wants to teach them about Christianity but I don’t. She spent the weekend thinking about our future and decided to cut things off because I can’t give her what she wants in a partner.
13 comments
As someone who has been in a similar situation before, it’s possible to overcome religious differences, but it takes a lot of communication and understanding from both sides.
This isn’t just a different opinion. She wants to live her life according to values that you don’t share and she wants to raise children in a value system that you don’t share.
It’s a perfectly reasonable reason to break up.
This is just a basic issue of compatibility.
You can overcome some religious differences, but both parties need to be willing and able to compromise. In this case, that does not seem to be the case, and breaking up is probably the right outcome.
>Are there relationships out there that overcome religious boundaries
Yes, but compromise and tolerance is necessary. You and your gf reached an impasse.
​
>or is it best to move on and accept the breakup
You don’t really have a choice. She broke up with you. That’s her decision to make.
No. One of the main causes for break ups are differences in religion, children, finances, and politics and life goals.
And you should never, ever be having children that you don’t want because someone else wants them. Unless it is a 100% enthusiastic “yes!” from both people, then you shouldn’t have kids.
It hurts now, but your girlfriend took the incredible mature approach that benefits you both. It sucks, but it’s better to break up now, when you’re just in the dating phase, you haven’t combined your finances and lives too much yet, there’s no children involved. After you work through the grief, you will be able to move on and find a partner whose life views and beliefs match yours. Because it’s incredibly important to find a partner you can 100% agree with how to raise your children.
of course people break up because of religious differences it’s like values but even more cause you believe that if you won’t raise them in your religion you are sending them on their way to eternal damnation… i fell sorry for you but i don’t blame her. I personally think that the only way the relationship can still go on is if one of you give up on it. But i doubt that would happen. Christians (like other major religions) are warned not to date non christians, With most Christians, their faith is the central part of their lives. If they date someone who isn’t a Christian, then the central part of their lives is something they cannot share with their partner. There is also the risk (especially at the time the Bible was written, when Christians were heavily persecuted) that the partner would put down their faith and be aggressive towards them, either hurting the person or making them scared or disinterested in upholding their faith.
As an agnostic person, I couldn’t imagine myself ever being with someone who was religious. From my POV, there will always be issues that can’t be overcome with logical thinking when a religious person is involved. I feel for you, though. I wouldn’t want my kids indoctrinated by a church and forced to believe things they aren’t capable of understanding. It’s your choice, but I feel like you two are incompatible.
Some religious differences can be overcome, while others can’t. My stance has always been that an interfaith couple can work as long as three criteria are met:
1. Both of you accept that there’s no one true way, and you fully and honestly believe that your partner’s way of life is as valid as yours.
2. For family-oriented, you need to be able to stand up to your family and tell them that your partner’s religion/lack of religion is none of their business.
3. For kid-wanting, you need to be able to find a game plan on what to teach the kids that works for both of you.
Number 3 seems to have been the instigator for the breakup, but I suspect that she failed all three points. That doesn’t make her a bad person! But it does mean that she should partner either with someone of her own faith or very close to it.
That is not a difference of opinion. That is a different vision of her future life, fully informed and actively participating in her faith, with her family.
And she told you she felt it was important enough to end the relationship over. So it’s over.
Frankly, the compromise here I think you missed is pretty obvious and one a lot of families make; Raise your children with the religion that one or both of the parents is intimately familiar with for the sake of tradition, family and community, and encourage them to explore all options when they are *actually old enough* to do so.
You’re acting like raising them in one faith is a prison. It doesn’t have to be, and it really shouldn’t be that. It’s teaching them a second language that they can use, or not use, as they grow into adulthood. You’re not forcing them to believe in one specific church any more than you’re forcing your toddler to love Guns and Roses if that is all you’re playing in the car on road trips. They will grow up and develop their own taste in music, which may or may not include Guns and Roses. It’s inescapable.
My mother and father made precisely this deal, and raised eight children, all of whom participated weekly in the church of my mother’s choice until we were 13, and who also were encouraged to learn about other religions and faiths (including my mother taking advantage of every open house and tour offered, including of a few places that could be best described as cults….) By the time the kids were 25 you had 4 atheists, 2 rather disengaged Christians, 1 seriously engaged Christian, and a Buddhist. No one was trapped. Everyone was educated in an aspect of life that was important and useful. I’m grateful for my religious education and faith community, even though I am a rather militant athiest. My mother choose her church communities well and put the right emphasis on it.
My mother was a devout Catholic and my father was an atheist and they loved each other all their lives so I don’t believe religious differences are an insurmountable problem. I went to Catholic schools through high school and my Dad left Mom totally in charge of our religious upbringing. He attended Church when one of us children were singing or playing the organ. I don’t know is this is the norm. Maybe they just had an exceptionally deep love for each other. Or perhaps because my Dad was fine with us being raised Catholic even though he was not a believer. Not that this would work for OP but it just seems untrue that it can’t work for some families.
As an atheist married to a Christian for 20+ years my wife and I discussed our religious differences before marriage and how we would raise our kids. We reached an agreement where if kids asked me I would explain my beliefs and if they haven’t really asked by the time they were teens I would then them regardless. My wife was free to go to church with the kids and we would celebrate Easter and Christmas (those are fun for me too). It helped that my wife wasn’t super religious and she stopped going to church on her own when the kids were still very young.
You can come to a compromise where both points of view are taught and respected.
The decision to have children or not isn’t a subject you can compromise on though. There’s no half measures possible there.
Her religious beliefs seem to shape what she sees for her future and that’s different than what you want for your future. I don’t think you two would be very compatible long-term.