My fiancée and I have been together for 3 and a half tumultuous years. Currently we are searching for a place to live. I am living in a woman’s shelter and he lives 4 blocks a away at the men’s shelter. Before we lost our apartment 5mos ago we were together 24/7, since almost the beginning of our relationship. So to say this separation is hard on us is purring it mildly.
We have been referred to a housing assistance program. From the moment we were referred my fiancée did not want to do it. For one simple reason, he had a Warrant for not going to court on a possession charge. He was afraid of someone finding out and turning him in. I was all for it, but I wanted to do it all on the up and up. If he was going to live with me he needed to be on the lease and everything. When we did our intake with pur case manager, we glanced over his criminal history.
It was rough going. We got approved for an apartment but when we were waiting to see it a bedbug fell on my fiancée’s coat. There was no way I was going to live there. Then we found the perfect place. I was so excited and much heartened after looking at it. After talking to the landlord she said that they check rental history and criminal records. She said no felonies or drug charges. That was going to be a problem. When the case manager called me the next day she asked me if I had any questions about the app. My fiancée was not on the room. I thought we had no choice but to come clean. I asked her if we had completed the criminal history part of the intake. I launched into an explanation about him having the drug charge and a little about his time spent in prison. The case manager thanked me for being honest and letting her know what’s going on so she could better help us. I felt pretty good about the whole thing.
When my fiancée returned to the room, I told him that she had called and told him that I informed her of his past. I did not expect hid reaction. He was angry. He could not believe that I discussed his business with someone without talking to him first. I was immediately sorry that I had. Then for the next 24 hours I got to hear how I had screwed things up for him. He reminded me over and over again that he did not even want to do the program and he was sure nothing good would come from it. Now he said he was going to be looking over his shoulder just waiting for them to come swoop him up and take him to jail. He also said that maybe our case manager found out about the warrant, they would have to report that to the shelter and he could possibly lose his place to stay. No matter how much I tried to tell him that I had done it with good intentions. Now he says that he can’t trust me. He said he felt he could not tell me anything for fear that I might say the wrong thing to the wrong people.
We have had trust issues in the past. As far as cheating on the other. I have never lied to him and I have always had his back. I couldn’t understand why he was saying that he couldn’t trust me.
The other thing that bothers me is that I walked across town in the freezing cold to bond him out. All I asked was that he go to court. Since he had not, I lost the bond money. I am on disability and i am working with a small fixed income so $350 was a lot of money for me.
I guess I just want to know if i did throw him under the bus unintentionally?
TLDR; I told our case manager that my fiancée had a criminal al history for an application. He was angry because he has a warrant and does not want to lose his place to stay. Did I throw him under the bus.
8 comments
I would be beyond shocked if your case manager had to report that. I mean, maybe things are verrrrrrrrrry different in your area, but as a mandatory reporter, that’s not at all the kind of thing that I would ever have to report. My guess is that she’s had loads of clients who’ve been involved in the carceral system in some way and that she really will be better able to help you now that she knows the truth.
Good on you for not hiding it. You’re 100% correct that you want to do this all above-board. I’ve never been a housing coordinator, but I worked with one who had clients lose their housing for violating the rules of the state program that subsidized it. It’s awful. If your fiance isn’t willing to follow the rules that are going to keep a roof over your head, it’s possible that you should plan to live separately for a while longer, as hard as that is.
I can understand him wishing you had discussed it with him first, but badgering you about it for 24 hours and then saying he can’t trust you? That’s a really messed up and not-proportional response. He’s not trying to see your side and not accepting that your intentions were good, which they were.
It sounds like he wants you to feel guilty and unsure of yourself and struggling to make it up to him. That’s not a good way to feel in relationships and you don’t have to be with someone who makes you feel that way.
So you’ve cheated on each other and he lost you the bond money?
Next time ask him first. I can see why he might not trust you because that was his information to give. A possession charge (depending on the amount) shouldn’t be a deal killer. It probably depends on the state you are in though.
However what he needs to do is show up at court with a good explanation and get rid of that warrant. Otherwise it will be hanging over the two of you and he might get stopped and end up in jail at the worst possible time.
If he is still using and the drug was meth or heroin, it would help him to go to NA. Federally subsidized housing is low barrier but they still prefer someone working on being clean.
So he’s an asshole and your life would be easier and less dramatic without him in it. Please put yourself first and let him go.
Respectfully, he sounds like he’s circling the drain and taking you down with him. Eventually he’s going to be caught and thrown back in jail. I would build your life on your own and not count on him for any of it, because he’s not going to be around. He can visit you at your place and he can find his own place. Don’t bail him out again, either. You already lost your money the last time. Maybe re-think why you are with him at all. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I think you should reach out to the case manager and ask about applying for housing on your own.
This relationship just is not worth trying to save.
So, you know how computer databases work? Basically, there’s a list of information, like names and open warrants, and someone can search by, say, name, and see the associated information, like if there’s a warrant.
If your boyfriend thinks he otherwise wouldn’t be looking over his shoulder about an open warrant for the rest of his life, he is seriously kidding himself. Any interaction with a police officer (a simple questioning, a traffic stop, etc.), as well as a host of non-officer interactions (anything with a criminal background check, like most housing situations, many job situations, etc.) his warrant will appear.
It’s seriously dumb on his part to not deal with this. He should find a lawyer and see what the best way to approach this is. It’s also dumb of you to plan a future, and take on financial responsibilities, with someone with such a liability (and such a dumb plan for not dealing with this liability).
Postpone the wedding. Figure out your own housing. Make your continued involvement with your fiance dependent on him getting this taken care of, and providing you proof it is taken care of. Otherwise, you’ll come home one day and he won’t be there, and the money you need for rent, bills, or whatever won’t be forthcoming, because he’ll be in jail on a dumb warrant from back in the day.