Been seeing a lady now for a couple of months (third week of January). We started talking in November via OLD and eventually phone (text) prior to meeting. From a conversation last night, she still has us in the “dating” phase and doesn’t view us as in a relationship. She also says she hasn’t caught deep feelings yet.
I’ve always been one that loves to easily, and it’s bitten me in the past (more than once), so I’ve been a bit guarded, waiting to see what she does. I’ve told her that I’m ready to move to a relationship. The feelings are there for me, but after last nights conversation, apparently not for her…
I can understand taking things slower, but at what point is it not worth pursuing as a relationship?
Edit: changed the timeline a bit, and added the part about OLD since November, as suggested in some posts. Also added that I’ve expressed that I’m ready to be in a relationship.
25 comments
End it whenever you feel like you’re not getting what you want/need out of it.
3 months would be a bit too long for me personally to not define things
Don’t tolerate ambiguity. Ask her to be your girlfriend. If she hesitates or says no then cut contact and move on
Sorry it doesn’t sound like this is going anywhere.
I normally DTR around 6 dates/weeks so 3 months would be too long.
Maybe you’ve both been holding back? It takes 2 to build something.
If we don’t define anything in 2-3 months, I assume they’re not interested tbh. Is she attracted to you? For me, it takes 2-3 dates to see if I feel attraction. I don’t go beyond 3 dates if I feel nothing. If I see someone more than 2-3 months, by 3-4 months, I’d like exclusive depending how often we see each other. As I’m looking for LTR/LP. I’m not really interested in casual. I’d talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she’s not on the same page, I’d move on.
You’re close to being too long. Man or woman, 3 months is the absolute max to be in any ambiguous relationship. You are fast approaching that.
Moreover, this woman doesn’t seem to view you with the same potential you view her. Thank her for her honesty (hasn’t caught feelings) but it might be best for you to stand Pat for a bit instead of pursing like you are
No feelings after three months of courtship means move on IMO.
3 months is an inflection point for me. If a relationship isn’t going in a direction I’d like, I’m probably going to bail.
Tell her exactly what you want. If you want commitment and to define the relationship, be willing to walk away if she’s not willing to give it to you. Otherwise she will keep stringing this along, show her you’re willing to walk away.
3 months is a cut and run or lock it in for me Personally. You’ll likely fell better to be the one who makes the decision rather than waiting.
Are you exclusive? I like to have a time in between exclusive and official where we are intentional about getting to know each other while figuring out if we are compatible for a relationship.
It’s usually around the 3 month mark where that conversation happens though. That *should* be enough time. But there are variables. If you really like this girl it might be worth an in-depth conversation to see where her head is at. She might just be more cautious with her feelings, and need a little extra time, or she might just not be *that* into you.
A serious conversation asking where she sees things going, and what exactly she’s looking for should shed some light on whether it’s worth giving it a little more time or not.
I’m in the same situation and just had a conversation with the guy I’ve been seeing since mid January. He’s more newly single than I am and has asked to take things slowly, which is also fine because I am really limited on time to date. We had a really good talk about where things could go if we stay on the track we are on now. I also love easily and freely so I get your struggle. I typically know quickly how I feel about someone but I know that’s not how everyone works. We all deserve someone who gives us no doubt and is enthusiastic but not everyone moves at the same pace.
It’s going to depend on what you want to do. The caught feelings part is a little concerning to me, that’s different than not wanting to commit to a relationship. Did you ask where she sees this going?
As someone who does take longer to feel a romantic connection with someone (30F), in any instance where I did enter a relationship, I knew I could see myself developing feelings and being in a relationship with that person within 3 months of consistent dating.
Obviously not speaking for everyone that has a hard time developing romantic feelings, but if it’s something that’s proving to be a road block in this dating phase, I don’t think that’s something that goes away if/when you do enter a relationship.
Everyone keeps saying three months but it’s been two? Regardless I think it’s plenty of time to call it off if you’re not on the same page.
Everyone’s timelines are different but I agree with some of the comments, if you are not fulfilled and feel something is lacking by not taking it to the next level, you can try to accept that and enjoy the dating experiences, or cut your losses.
You’ve been seeing her a little over two months. To represent late January to late March as a “few” months is a bit generous. My personal rule is to have the *talk* at about the 90 day mark.
I feel like a lot more context and information is needed here. You absolutely see her as someone you would enter into a long-term commitment with? It sounds like she doesn’t, and if she doesn’t see *you* that way, you might have already shot yourself in the foot by insisting on it this quickly.
edit: wow a lot of people in here cannot do math or count days
Honestly, it’s been…2ish months? I wouldn’t consider that a “relationship” (cause we haven’t defined it yet), nor would I have caught “deep feelings” yet. For me, over the next few weeks, if things kept progressing, THEN I’d start telling her that I’d like to chat about commitment, bf/gf stuff. If we both agree, I’d say after a couple more months is when I’d start to develop deep feelings.
So what do you want here? Just cause she’s not where you are doesn’t mean things aren’t worth pursuing. Did she tell you she’ll never develop something deep for you? Honestly, I’d simply confirm that she’s happy and could see something serious developing, focus on the future and having fun with her, then see how things are around week 10/11.
when you stop having fun, which seems about now
It would be helpful to know what the convo was about last night. Did you ask her to be your GF and she said no? Did you ask for her general thoughts on you two and she said she just views you both as in the dating stage?
Did you share your feelings with her? Sounds like no, but don’t want to assume. Providing some context may help get you better answers.
You need to edit your post from few months to couple months.
Besides that, what exactly have you been doing the last couple months. If you’ve only seen each other every couple weeks, I’d see where she’s coming from. Just depends on what you’ve done together
If you are in the dating phase, does that mean you two are not exclusive? Try seeing someone else while she makes up her mind.
OK dating to exclusive to boyfriend-girlfriend to relationship to ‘catching deep feelings’ are all waaay too huge of a range. You’ve been seeing this woman for less than 11 weeks. You admit that you have always been the one that loves too easily so you seem aware that it likely takes most others longer.
If it has bitten you in the past, you seem aware that you need to slow down. Just because the feelings are not there for her yet, does not mean they never will be.
In my current relationship, we didn’t even sleep together until just over 11 weeks in, and didn’t tell each other that we loved each other until over five months in.
Have y’all had the exclusivity chat yet? If not, do so. If you have, then clearly she is interested enough to continue.
I give it a 3 months absolute maximum. If me or the other person aren’t “in it” by that point I’m out. I can only tolerate a situationship for so long before I get bored or frustrated. I honestly just don’t have the time these days to entertain one. Dating requires taking time out of my life set aside for someone. If it’s not going anywhere that time can be better invested into someone or something else.
I’m not like jumping into just anything or expecting an instant relationship by any means and tend to be a very picky dater but by 2-3 months you generally have an idea where it’s going or not going. I just cut my losses and move on.
It’s now two months. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in something deeper, but also doesn’t want to let you go.
Personally I would just end things. Don’t keep investing all of this time and energy on someone who is never sure about you. It’s not right.
I think it’s fair to express that you want exclusivity, but you can’t expect someone to fall hard and fast just because you normally do.
Third week of January to today is about 66 days which is barely two months. I think it’s kind of misleading to say a few months when you just hit the two month mark a few days ago. Also, 2 months can be anything from 2-9 dates depending on how often you’re able to hang out.
With that said, we all move different paces. Personally, two months of dating isn’t typically long enough for me to fall in love, but I would definitely be open to committing to exclusivity at that point with the right person.
**When you’re trying to build healthy love and secure attachment it takes time.**
Have you tried to figure out the why behind your behavior? I don’t think you need to be guarded or completely change yourself but understanding why you tend to “fall in love so easily” will be super helpful in the long run.
Questions I recommend reflecting on/journaling about outside of Reddit:
* Are you typically lonely or unfulfilled outside of a relationship?
* Are you seeking love and/or validation outside of yourself? Why?
* Did you have a lack of love and/or attention growing up?
* Do you feel whole on your own or do you use relationships to fill an internal void?
* Where is the “void” coming from? What can you do to heal that?
* What are some changes you can make to start giving yourself some of the things you seek in a partner?
* How can you start filling your own cup?
* What are some daily habits you can implement?
* Do you typically have a codependent attachment style? If so, what causes that?
* Does it have to do with insecurity? If so, what are you insecure about?
* How can you heal that?
* Do is it have to do with fear of abandonment or rejection? If so, where does that come from?
* How can you heal that?