Met a guy in person (28M) and his initial actions made it seem like he was interested in a relationship, and he implied this, I even said I don’t do strictly casual, but a few dates in he mentioned how relationship was a low priority for him but that we’re going on dates, he wants emotional connection. + fun and he really likes me and that its not strictly casual. It was hard to fully discuss this as the conversations usually ended up being at end of dates after he was paying for my transportation home, as we were both traveling for weeks at a time and he doesn’t like to text. I felt if I established a boundary like that then, he’d just not contact me again.
However, the last few times we met up it was clear he pretty often hooks up with people, is into hookups/treated me like that when he tried to encourage me to this arrangement / sleep with me even though we haven’t hooked up yet, isn’t going to invite me to group hangs or introduce me to anyone, and wasn’t going to change his communication habits between dates like he originally promised. He said 5th date (met 3 months ago but lots of time was spent in different cities between each dates) was slow to not hookup etc. I told him I just needed time since I’ve never done that before but that I really like him. Now I’m realizing I don’t want to have something casual. I don’t think I want to jump into a relationship either – I guess I want to explore a connection where relationship/normal regular communication/integrating into each others lives is not off the table. I do really like him, so I would want to date him..
He’s contacted me since our last date to schedule another one, but I’m out of town and then he’s going out of town. No contact/response since i said i couldn’t make it on the weekend. So this might be needless.
Would it be best to discuss in person after having a really good date (some awkward stuff related to this went down last time)? Or a phone call? Or a text before making plans again? I also don’t wanna end it bc I like him, but I also don’t wanna seem clingy since I think that would just turn him off further.
If he reaches out, I guess I can say something like the following, but would appreciate advice/feedback on which like of the below would be best:
“Hey, before making plans, — you know I like you a lot, but sadly I realized I am looking for something with potential to evolve into something a little more substantial and less casual//but realized actively pursuing something knowing it will only lead to casual at outset is not for me// /looking for short-term relationship, bc even non-exclusive, i prefer that over casual.” 100% understand thats not where you’re at. If where I’m at changes, i know I will love to hit you up, but right now that’s where I’m at and where I realized my hesitancy was coming from. XX, take care” or “ugh… so I realized i’m looking to date men for real and don’t want a fwb. sucks but it is what it is. maybe catch you at a \[event we met at\] sometime <3”
All his texts are <handful of words bc he hates texting, like he will purposely not use prepositions just to make it shorter, so i feel awkward sending such a long text. Any way to make it a little more ‘cool’ so I feel less self-conscious or a burden to him?
The caveat to all this is he’s the only person I have truly fallen for post my 7 year relationship, and he reminds me a lot of my ex, and It’s super hard to let this go, so i do still wanna see him and not sure if ending this is the right move as i’m otherwise just thinking of ex 🙁
It just kills me to know he probably won’t even reply or will just thumbs up react…
20 comments
You’re dumping the guy, for a good reason. You’re doing it on your terms, and there’s no reason that you have to tailor your communication to be “cool” to him – it would be an awful idea even if you were staying together. You have a certain communication style because you like it that way, so stay true to who you are.
You know what’s cool? Being yourself. Don’t try to tailor your communication to try to impress someone
> It just kills me to know he probably won’t even reply or will just thumbs up react…
Why does that kill you? Shouldn’t that justify your decision to move on? Would you really want to be with someone that doesn’t care?
I mean the text probably isn’t “cool” but, it’s probably needed. Honestly, I would probably send and forget about him(go no contact) mostly because it could end up where he asks for another date or whatever and you end up being strung along. Although, I do want to give you kudos for figuring out what you want and that you’re pursuing that. So, good job!
Idk how I would feel being reminded of my ex while I’m with someone. I’d think it would be a whirlwind of emotions and internal conflicts…. But, I’m not you. I wish you the best. Good luck!
He’s teeing you up for fwb/a situationship. I’d advise you to get a lot less tentative about telling him thanks but no thanks. He’s not offering what you want. Telling someone they aren’t for you is the opposite of “clingy.”
I think what you’ve drafted is good, except don’t say you are open to a short-term relationship (which with this guy would be the same as casual except it might trick your brain into staying in the casual thing longer since it includes the word “relationship”).
Your post is asking whether or not there is some special wording you can type in a text message that will make him want a long-term relationship with you. But there isn’t. Just because you went to the same college and some of the stuff you have in common with him makes you want to start a family with him doesn’t mean you can get him to feel the same way about you.
The sooner you cut him off, the sooner you can move on.
To be honest, I don’t remember in all of that text, you mentioning anything you actually like about the guy (besides saying you like him). Do you like him or the idea of him? What do you like about him?
Girlll! I’m late 20s almost 30, but I’ve come to learn if you can scare a guy off or anything, he’s not a fit for you. After six months on these dating apps, I’ve come learn that I’m no longer worried about what a guy thinks. I know I want a LTR/LP, if a guy isn’t on the same page he isn’t. I don’t care how amazing he is, he’s not the right person.
Don’t tailor your life to him, be yourself. If you have to feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time with him, I don’t think he’s worth it. You want someone who you can be yourself! ☺️
> I felt if I established a boundary like that then, he’d just not contact me again.
This is your answer right there. If a boundary like that pushes him away **good**. That’s what you want. A man who actually wants a relationship with you will see that boundary as a green flag that you value yourself and you know you can get what you want. That kind of self worth is healthy and attractive.
He likely knows that you really like him and are scared to lose him, and he seems to be taking advantage of that. You’re allowed to want what you want from him and if he doesn’t feel the same way you need to walk away. You can find someone else you will like even more than him that wants what you do (a relationship). Quit wasting time on this guy.
Honestly, you seem either very confused on what you really want, or too afraid to scare him away.
>Now I’m realizing I don’t want to have something casual. I don’t think I want to jump into a relationship either – I guess I want to explore a connection where relationship/normal regular communication/integrating into each others lives is not off the table.
Like, wtf does that mean? You want to be exclusive with him, but not in an official relationship? Only focus on each other for now?
Maybe what you might be looking for is some sort of exclusive fwb situation? But with the dating parts, and limited to nothing serious? Help me out here.
Don’t overthink this. If you know what you want, use your words. If he doesn’t want the same, own yourself and walk away.
There are people out there who will treat so much better than this guy. Don’t let yourself fall for people who can’t even do the bare minimum
Just go with the flow. It’s overwhelming to get a long text thread like this, you’ve made it clear what you’re looking for – so go out with him. See if the vibe is casual or long term.
I find it to be a turnoff when being in the present moment is off the table. Nothing is sexier than having fun and being live, and in the moment with a date, that carefree energy always kept me coming back
This doesn’t sound like casual, it’s more like a fuck buddy because you’re not even friends. It doesn’t sound like he wants any more than that. I wouldn’t bother any more if it was me
Girl, you’re letting him walk all over you! It sounds to me you want a relationship with him, he’s choosing not to give you one despite leading you on to think that, and in order to keep him around, you change your needs to accomodate his! This is not a healthy relationship dynamic at all.
There are many people on this planet that can give you what you want. He’s not the one for you. If he was, he would be way more interested in committing to you. He would not be pushing your boundaries like this and pressuring you for sex. Do not cave in.
Yeah, this doesn’t seem like you’re gonna get what you want/need out of it. His communication style doesn’t even match yours. I’d send the bye bye text and see how he reacts.
Send your message the way it feels best for you.
You are basically saying you don’t want to see him again because this isn’t enough for you. Do it your way. If he just thumbs-up reacts, that’s on him. If nothing else, you get confirmation that he’s not the person for you and you’ve been authentic yourself.
honestly this same scenario keeps happening to me too. I state my boundaries and I stick to them. They say all the things that you want to hear. Some will even go as far as saying you’re their gf but their actions or consistency say otherwise.
not sure if the dating world has gotten more strategic now that the therapy buzzwords are normalized. feel like some people figured out how to play their own game while making it look like they respect your boundaries. my newest rule is words are just words. prove what you mean by actions or gtfo lol.
Aw man I feel this. It’s hard for me to develop a romantic interest in someone, and I recently ended a situationship with someone that I was very interested in for the first time since my last relationship, which was 5 years ago.
I know this sucks, but ultimately if he’s not able to give you the type of relationship you’re looking for, then he’s not the one. It will hurt to break off contact, but it’ll hurt way less than continuing to get attached and have the same outcome. He’s made it pretty clear he’s not interested in exclusivity.
I think either response is good. Obviously the first one you have the chance to state where you’re coming from a little bit more, so if that’s more important to you, then I’d say go with that one.
But either way, sounds like you gotta put that out there and cut ties.
You got this, queen
Do not walk on eggshells here! Trust your gut….she don’t lie. YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT!! If it’s not with him (it’s not), move on!
Actions always speak louder than words, it doesn’t seem he’s much interested in something serious. If it was me I’d say something to the effect of:
“I just wanted to check in before making plans where you see this going? I’m realizing I’m in a place in my life where I’d like for something more serious to develop vs a casual FWB. I’m by no means in a rush but that’s the end goal I’m hoping to reach in my dating. I don’t feel 100% certain where your head is at. Would love to hear where your head is at. If that’s not for you, I understand. I wanted to check in so we’re not wasting each other’s energy/time”
I’ll echo what’s said above, you shouldn’t feel shame for having your needs met and setting a boundary that feels important to you. Expressing your needs is not clingy. Worrying about sounding clingy is clingy. Honesty on how you’re feeling is always commendable.
No matter how he might react. I feel maybe the text feels long because you’re over-explaining in fear of how he might react. As hard as it is to let go, setting strong boundaries and doing small things like this will subconsciously reinforce confidence in what you’re seeking in your dating life. If this door closes, it’s an opportunity for someone better to show up and can meet your needs.