I often don’t know how to respond to others and can’t think of responses in time which leads to awkward silences. My attempts to fill the silence are either neutral or WAY more awkward. At least when I don’t say anything I’m just “really quiet” and not “super awkward”. I work a customer facing job and have interactions all day 6 days a week, and haven’t gotten much better (outside of formulaic greetings and job related prompts). It feels like a cognitive problem almost, like by the time I correctly interpret what someone says, I’ve missed the window for a socially appropriate response. When meeting new people I think I come across as uninterested or annoyed because I’m not able to be very interactive. It’s just upsetting to keep butchering interactions even though I’m not particularly anxious.
Any advice is welcome, thanks!
8 comments
No advice, but I feel ya on that
I get you on this, but i have no advice.
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Omg I felt this to my *core*. Whenever I’m in a conversation it feels like I either have the option to A) say whatever is on my mind which can often be really awkward or B) say nothing at all which leads people to perceive me as boring or uninteresting. It absolutely sucks and no matter how many people I talk to it still hasn’t really gotten better.
What does help sometimes when I have nothing left to say is to just ask the other person questions (think the 5 W’s and “How”). Don’t bombard them to the point where it sounds like an interrogation, but enough so it seems like you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them.
Hopefully some conversational genius can hop in here and help both of us though lmao.
It comes naturally for some, it’s like a foreign language for others. My advice comes in 3 pieces:
1. Don’t aim for charming and hilarious. Maybe you’ll get there someday, but your first goal is “not super awkward.” Once you get there, the ball will start rolling and it will get easier to improve without effort. The first part is the hardest.
2. You need practice. Reps. It’ll still be awkward for a while, but you’ll get better over time. Think of it like a scrawny guy just starting at the gym. He might be embarrassed how he looks in there to the other gym-goers, but he’s not doing it for them. He’s doing it for himself, and the other people he’ll meet outside the gym in the future, when he’s swole. Your temporary awkwardness (assuming you work to get better) will be a meaningless piece of the past. A couple of thoughts about how to practice…
Any friends? Old friends, new friends, online friends, etc. Even chatting/texting counts if it’s real-time. Get those reps in.
Another good place to practice is work. Your job is actually gold for this. Right now you’ve gotten the hang of pleasantries and work-related stuff. Next step is to practice pushing those boundaries. Swiping their credit card? Ask them if they have plans for the weekend while you do it. It’ll be rough at times, but remember, it’s about reps. Keep at it.
3. Look for tips and tricks somewhere. Shortcuts. For example, one classic tip for conversation is to ask people questions about themselves. People like to talk about themselves. You help them along and act interested, boom, you just had a conversation they enjoyed. “So what do you do? … Oh a lawyer, what kind? … Oh, I never heard of that. Is it fun? … Oh haha, well it sounds like more fun than this, anyway.”
yeah I relate to this, even when I’m around friends or people I’ve known for ages my mind is just blank
Don’t take yourself too seriously and ask questions in conversations, but when you are on job it’s good to just focus on what you are doing. But he go out and drink and meet people have conversations and be generally interested in learning about people and such :))
i am probably off the mark here – but your experience sounds really similar to mine. for me it came down to my mindset around socialising; for example thinking you need to follow a formula for conversation and thinking you need to be “interactive” for it to not be awkward. these are not thoughts which leave room for you as a person, with your own quirks and differences.
most people will view a quiet or “awkward” person as someone who would rather be left alone/someone deep in thought/distant. so maybe the awkward feeling you get could be that they are misreading your shyness, not that you necessarily said or did the wrong thing. they could feel insecure that theyre bothering you while youre doing your job idk. we tend to be way more critical of ourselves than other people are. like.. if you tried to speak to another quiet person would you judge them and think they were too awkward or weird? probably not. youd empathise and go “wow i hope they dont feel uncomfortable right now”. thats how others are likely to react to you.
that and i also have a mild form of dyslexia and are on the spectrum for autism – this makes conversation difficult at times but ultimately boxing myself in as someone who is always awkward just made me awkward. if you view it without that mindset, its easier to let conversation flow. you can literally talk about anything – it doesnt have to fit the norm. not being anxious is only one piece of the situation, the other seems to be that you dont feel confident opening up to others (we all have our reasons its valid).
so like the other comments suggest it may be helpful to start small, ask about their day or the weather or what they did over the weekend. dont be afraid of silence, its just as important in a conversation as the actual talking.
(sorry about my rant and good luck💗💗)