I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with this person for 5 years and they’ve changed my life in so many ways. However, I’ve learned/been through so much that I’m currently starting to realize this person is not quite who I thought they were. I have grown and he has not. He’s not making any effort in getting a job nor trying to make a living for himself or for us after giving up on not getting the job he wanted. His hobby makes some money but it’s not even enough to pay a monthly bill.
He has a few hobbies actually, which could turn into a source of income but he refuses to figure out what he’s doing wrong. There is always some sort of excuse and no discipline/schedule to make things happen. It’s truly frightening and if his parents ever kicked him out, he would be homeless. And nope, his parents don’t give him money.
All he does is play video games 24/7. He often talks about the future with me, children, where we live, things planned, but hello…?? That requires EFFORT. I recently finished my degree and is about to start a job with a pretty nice pay. Throughout uni, wanting a future with my bf has motivated me so much to work beyond my limits to make that happen.
On the 5th year of our relationship…it’s almost like he thinks I’m naive. As in, I’m the one who is going to be the breadwinner and as long as he treats me good, that’s “enough” for the relationship.
He says he’s depressed yet does nothing about it. Says talking to someone will make things worse and chooses to play video games or look at pics of women/porn. When I pointed this out to him that he rather does this stuff instead of looking/finding a job, he behaves rudely towards me as if I’m the problem. He is doing nothing helpful for himself nor for our relationship. I’m thankful we don’t have children because I feel he wouldn’t even make the effort to find a job because it wouldn’t be exactly what he wanted to do. He can’t even accept something “temporary.” Anytime I talk to him about such issues, he compares me to his ex which devastates me.
It just drives me absolutely insane and hurts me how he isn’t willing to take ANY job. I’ve been spending less time with him because I’m starting to lose feelings for him where there’s no effort and his behavior towards me. It’s as if I’m doing everything by myself for us to have a future. I don’t want to get this job and him be like “heyyy so when we getting that new apartment??” Or whatever and here I am stuck with all the bills.
I’ve worked my ass off getting my degree, getting out of an abusive home, going through multiple surgeries, etc., and it’s like… why am I working so hard for someone who isn’t willing to do the same. Anytime we are together, he gets annoyed at me when I tell him I don’t want to play video games with him or do anything at since it feels completely wrong. His parents are hard workers and have also tried talking to him/helping with driving him to a job, but he blames them for his depression/inability to get a job.
I’ve tried talking to him and all he does is get pissed at me. The good is that he is very loving, always there to hear my problems, we have several interests in common and … yeah he only wants do fun stuff. To escape his issues instead of challenging himself to grow. At his age and all the years he’s spent playing video games, he could have been somewhere or have at least some savings.
Reading all this does put things into perspective, but it’s killing me from how much he’s helped me when I was depressed, needed insight, and a “waken up to reality.” I’ve never had someone to love me as much as he has…even though his loving self has deteriorated towards me for the past year. I understand what it’s like to be depressed…just 5 years into our relationship and idk how many years before me without a job is…completely absurd. He has so many skills and refuses to take anything further because they didn’t make him rich over night. He rather hopes for his gambling/crypto to make him rich. Yet that’s not even reliable & secure source of income…
I’ve done all that I can to help him. I feel this is who he’s going to be for the rest of his life. I feel that I know the answer I’m looking for but for some reason I feel on one hand he will call me heartless and a shitty person for leaving him or giving him an ultimatum.. Or he will end up even more depressed. It’s so difficult for my brain to process how he was in the beginning year/s of our relationship and how different he is now. I felt I would die without him earlier on in the relationship but now I feel emotionally blank.
TL;DR:
Bf of 5 years is depressed, is addicted to playing videogames/has unhealthy lifestyle, refuses to get any help. He helped me “wake up” in the beginning of our relationship, but now he isn’t willing to help himself/accept help from others. I fear we have no future and I have no clue what to do anymore.
Edit: 25F **
5 comments
I’m so sorry. This is a common outcome in age gap relationships where the younger person is in their teens or very early twenties. The problem is, people who date someone much younger at that age often do so because they are immature for their age, so the relationship feels fine at first – the two people are at the same level. But you weren’t immature for your age, you were just young. Then you grow up during extremely important growing years of early adulthood and start getting your life together. But he already failed to do that, and unsurprisingly, continues to not mature nearly as much as you do. And the gap grows bigger and bigger for a while, until you get old enough that you aren’t maturing that much more anymore. Unfortunately, there isn’t really anything you can do about it. You simply outgrow him, as was always likely to be a high risk.
People change for the better, or for worse. But people definitely change.
I think what you are starting to see, is what exactly you need in a relationship to be happy. He has become the example for what you dont want, unfortunately.
If a person cant help themselves, its going to be really hard for you to help him.
You deserve to be with someone who shares your ambitions and is willing to work towards a future with you. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
You know exactly who he is by now. A lazy self-centered boy. He will never change. if you stop this dead end relationship (which you should), his parents will take care of him. And if they don’t or can’t give him any money? Well that’s for them to figure out.
‘he’s just hanging around waiting for you to be the solution to every issue he has. He’s learned how to push your emotional buttons, and uses them to control you.
‘Another lonely woman will come along and support him, so you can bail with a clean conscience. Aaaaannd, she will be posting here in a year or so, asking how to get him motivated to improve himself.
Sounds like you already know what you gotta do