I’m going to be a dad. Finally.
My wife (35) and I (35) had a wild week. After hearing her list off symptoms to a sickness she couldn’t kick, we realized something bigger was happening. She’s pregnant. It must be a brand new thing. Nobody knows but us.
We found out Tuesday afternoon and my stomach hasn’t stopped hurting since. I thought maybe I was hungry or something, but nope. Just anxious? Scared? Both? Yes?
When we saw the news, all I remember is feeling overwhelmed. I started crying, but I wasn’t sad. Then I couldn’t stop crying. My brain has been trying to decide if it’s acceptable to continue chasing your dreams or if it’s time to turn in childish ambitions for a more corporate role. My wife says we have to keep being who we are and adapt to also having a child, and I hope she’s right.
I haven’t posted here before, but I have nobody to talk to you about this news just yet. I’m scared and excited and overjoyed and terrified and I just want my stomach to stop hurting.
Does there come a time when you just walk into this process? Does some kind of dad focus kick in? Or am I just going to be terrified for the next 35 years?
17 comments
Had my first kid at 30 and my 2nd came two years later. With the 2nd kid it was different because my dreams/passion wasn’t going to support my family. So my decision was to be the best dad I could be. Switched over to more corporate roles and haven’t looked back. My kids are 9 and 7 now and I couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s just about finding balance. The biggest adjustment you’ll make is sacrificing the personal time your used to, but if you want to be a good dad you’ll find that it comes naturally.
Congratulations!
And yes. Your life will be different from now on. Make sure to take birthing classes (the one went to was 4 Saturdays and had a lot of new info on the whole process but also after giving birth)
My son is almost 3 but I don’t expect to stop worrying ever. You will be in for a ride that leaves no stone unturned,at least for the next 2ish years. But you’ll also find yourself in a new way and it’ll be worth it.
Make the best out of the 2nd trimester. If you want to go on vacation, that’s your time.
With every change there is stuff you have to let go, so some mourning about that isn’t much talked about, but normal.
You got this!
/r/daddit
> Does some kind of dad focus kick in? Or am I just going to be terrified for the next 35 years?
Read some books, prepare your home etc, but otherwise, just go with it. It’s the best fucking thing in the world.
There are very few jobs in life where you show up on day 1 and know exactly what to do. Parenting is no different. My first son was unexpected and born while I was still in law school. It will be stressful at times, but also incredibly motivating. You will learn as you go; every parent does it that way.
You never give up your identity. You do give up a lot of time, energy and disposable income, but it is definitely worth it.
Always remember to lean on your partner when you’re feeling overwhelmed and to make yourself available for her when she is feeling the same. Talk about parenting philosophies now before he or she is born. Talk about discipline, religion, schoolwork and the other joint decisions you will have to make for your child.
Time will pass much quicker than you can ever imagine. Make sure you involve yourself in each life phase and spend as much time with your child as your job and life allows. It’s the best job I have ever had.
Hey congratulations! It sounds like you’re feeling all the things you should be. I’m a year younger than you and we have a 16 month old at home. I’ll tell you straight up it’s been the most disruptive thing in my life and hardest thing I’ve ever done, with no close second.
So many parental tropes are true, and they don’t feel like tropes when you’re living through them. Bad sleep, relative lack of personal time. We’ve both had to spend a little professional capital at work to keep things moving at home, but we’re lucky to have jobs that are pretty understanding. But it’s so hard.
And it’s the f-ing best thing in the world. As time goes on, it’s become really hard to imagine life without my kid. He’s just…my whole heart and the center of my world. I all but stopped working late at work when he was born. Not worth it. I just want to get home and see him every day.
Every parent stumbles. We’re all making it up as we go. But there is a kind of “Dad focus” that I didn’t have before. It’s a one-pointed, bone-deep knowing that protecting and raising this kid is more important than anything else in your world.
Good luck! I think you’re a great age to have a kid. It sounds like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders.
Oh, I also want to add, don’t let anyone tell you what it’s supposed to feel like. Not everybody feels rainbows and butterflies when their kid is first born. It’s okay to just feel overstimulated and fried. I know I did. The early days are rough as hell for some, and it’s sucks to just hear “it gets better” but it’s true nonetheless.
I’ve been in your shoes before.
Everything will be totally fine.
Your fatherly instincts will kick in, and it’ll be a natural guide for you.
First off congratulations!
I turned 34 five weeks after having my son, I’m getting ready to leave corporate to move into the trades as he’s turning one. I still pursue my passions and interests as does my wife but we balance it by making sure that our son has priority in our lives. As he’s grown and developed from a potato into someone with personality it’s been really cool and fun.
I just take things day by day and really enjoy spending time with him, reading him books, playing, bath time, taking him for walks with the dogs and seeing him take in the world is amazing.
Congrats!
I didn’t fully process that I was going to be a dad until I heard my son cry. My wife and I just broke out in tears at the same time. It was a beautiful moment.
My wife required an emergency C-section (our kid inherited my fat head) and I think I worked through every emotional stage during the time he was on my chest and my wife was being sewn back together.
One the one hand, you can’t really full prepare for just how different life is going to be. On the other, mammals have cared for their young for like 100 million years and most of it just comes naturally. We are all guessing and most parents end up doing pretty well at it.
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>Or am I just going to be terrified for the next 35 years?
I was terrified that my son wasn’t breathing every time he fell asleep for months. I just wanted to rest my hand on his chest all night. He needs minor but significant surgery now for breathing obstruction and hearing issues (tubes in ears, adenoids and tonsils out; same as my sister and me), so maybe I knew there was an issue intuitively but I was probably just a worried parent.
I’m sure my mom still worries about me and I know she worries about my older sister (she’s 43), so yeah you probably will be worried about your kid(s and grandkids) for the rest of your life, but not at the same terrified level you are feeling now.
I had that same feeling and asked the older people in our family for advice. I’ll never forget what my spouse’s Aunt told me, “Having a child means having your heart walking around outside of your body for the rest of your life.”
Nothing has ever explained that feeling better in my eyes, and it’s one of the reasons parenthood is uniquely beautiful (and somewhat terrifying at the same time, knowing what the world is capable of good and bad).
My son just turned 14 and that feeling has never gone away. You do however get much more used to it to the point where you’re aware of it in the background but you don’t call on that feeling purposefully unless you need its help.
Congratulations and remember that by even asking these questions, it means you’re likely to be a kick ass parent.
Congrats!
Yes, a “dad focus” will kick in. For me it didn’t happen until my kid was born and back from the hospital. There’s a feeling of responsibility that will settle over you and it’s really not like anything you’ve experienced before. But you don’t have to force it. Your instincts will do most of the work. The focus of your life and your attention will become your family.
Personally I found the process liberating. After I had kids, I stopped worrying about my own problems and desires as much. I had a job to do, and so long as I’m doing it well, I’m happy. In some ways life is actually less stressful because it’s not about “me”.
The downside is that, yes, you will be terrified for the next 35 years. Sort of. It’s worse early on, and it’s worse with the first kid. Eventually you learn to ease up a bit and go with the flow. But at first, every little rash or injury is an emergency. With my second kid it was a lot easier. I knew better when to worry and when not to worry.
Anyway, good luck. Becoming a dad was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Congratulations!!!
Before my first child was born, my sisters sent me a copy of Dr. Benjamin Spock’s book called “Baby and Child Care”. It should have had the words “Don’t Panic” written on the cover. Though Dr Spock died in 1998, his book is still available thru Amazon. It was a lifesaver for me. Common sense information on managing your life with a baby. Things like: The kid won’t stop crying? He is probably bored – pick him up and take him to another part of the house so he has something different to look at. I could not believe how well that worked, especially with my son.
So, relax. Learn. Don’t leave everything to your wife once the kid hits the atmosphere, or you will miss out on some of the greatest bonding moments with your kid. The fact that you are asking these kind of questions now is a pretty good indicator that you are going to be a good dad.
Congratulations!!!
Before my first child was born, my sisters sent me a copy of Dr. Benjamin Spock’s book called “Baby and Child Care”. It should have had the words “Don’t Panic” written on the cover. Though Dr Spock died in 1998, his book is still available thru Amazon. It was a lifesaver for me. Common sense information on managing your life with a baby. Things like: The kid won’t stop crying? He is probably bored – pick him up and take him to another part of the house so he has something different to look at. I could not believe how well that worked, especially with my son.
So, relax. Learn. Don’t leave everything to your wife once the kid hits the atmosphere, or you will miss out on some of the greatest bonding moments with your kid. The fact that you are asking these kind of questions now is a pretty good indicator that you are going to be a good dad.
If you’re not in shape, now is the time. Or you’ll never be able to catch that little dude and he will wear you out.
You will get a lot of different kinds of advice on being a dad. My advice is to not take anyone’s advice too seriously. Take it as a suggestion, but if it doesn’t resonate with you, don’t hesitate to pass on it.
A BIG part of parenting has to do with just who you are as a person. If you read some particular piece of advice and it sounds good, but it doesn’t really fit with your personality, it might be more frustrating than helpful. A good example is some baby book we read that promised to have your baby sleeping through the night in 2 months. The premise was very strict, to-the-minute scheduling. That never worked for us because my wife was just not that kind of person, a non-type-A person if that makes sense.
Changing yourself for the sake of parenting is of course possible, and maybe in some cases a very good thing, but probably not realistic for too many things.
The best kind of parenting advice is the practical stuff. A good example I like: when you make your baby’s crib bedding, you will probably have 2 sheets, one that is waterproof for pee/vomit accidents, and another top sheet like the sheet you sleep with. You should actually double-up on both, put on a waterproof sheet, then a top sheet, then another waterproof sheet, then another top sheet. The reason is so when you do get woken up by some gross sick baby vomit, all you need to do with pull off the two sheets on top and the bed underneath it is ALREADY MADE. A great pain saver especially in the middle of the night.
> My wife says we have to keep being who we are and adapt to also having a child, and I hope she’s right.
Your wife is right.
> Does there come a time when you just walk into this process?
Think of it like permanently moving to a foreign country where you don’t know the language and culture. It’s overwhelming at first because there is so much new stuff to learn and all of your basic routines are interrupted. How do I get groceries? What can I do in the evening? What happens if I get sick?
At first, you figure out the bare essentials needed for survival. You get a new routine that’s minimal but lets you get through the day. That gives you time to start learning the culture and language.
Then, over time, you get more savvy. That lets you expand what you’re able to do and live a life that feels richer and more complex, similar to how you lived before the Big Move.
Eventually, this new country feels like home. You will still periodically be homesick for your original country. You’ll wistfully think about how *easy* and *natural* everything was back then. But you’ll also appreciate how much more *meaningful* and *enriching* your new life in your new chosen home is.
But, yeah, the first weeks and months are pretty intense. Just be patient with yourself and your wife and you’ll get through it. Remember, you are the product of thousands and thousands of ancestors who all successfully got through what you’re about to go through.
I highly recommend the book “The Expectant Father” and then continuing his series with “The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year”
Dad of two toddlers here. I only have three pieces of advice:
1) You can never be prepared, so dont feel like you need to be. This doesnt mean you shouldnt educate yourself, but it’s more something you learn as you go.
**2) TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELVES NOW.** It’s incredibly important, as much as possible, to enjoy the time that you both have to yourselves right now. That is going to go away, and you wont realize what that’s like until youre in the thick of it. Go on trips. Spends time together. Also, spend time alone. Do the things you enjoy doing. It’s all going to change. This isnt to scare you, it will be good.
3) ASK FOR HELP. It takes a village. I’ll say it again: IT TAKES A VILLAGE. There’s a reason people say that. Both my wife and I have limited help, and are envious of friends who have lots of family around that can help. However you might be able to call on for help, do not be shy to ask.
Good luck!