My partner [24M] and I [24F] have been together for 2 years now and we have a great relationship. The only thing that needs to improve is our communication and petty arguments that we frequently have.
The arguments and communication breakdowns are small, but it’s something I really want to nip in the bud in order to strengthen our relationship even further and grow as adults.
For context: we both grew up with parents who would argue in unproductive ways, yell at us a lot, shut us down, etc.
On my partner’s end, he tends to make broad generalized claims about extremely random things and will passionately argue about them with little evidence or knowledge about it. He is a very intelligent person, but it’s almost like he does it for story telling/ dramatic flair, or he’s just using poor logic. This drives me crazy as someone who likes to research things, Google it, find actual evidence, be curious, etc. He is also insecure and paranoid that I might think he is stupid, so during arguments where I’m trying to just fact-check or learn more, he gets overly defensive and digs himself in a hole just to make himself look better. For example, if I google something and correct him or try to learn with him, he’ll say something like “yeah but I wasn’t saying that x y z means this, what I MEANT to say is….”. Once he does that, I get really irritated and I feel like I’m being gaslit or something.
On my end, my biggest issue is losing my cool. I resort to snapping and / or yelling fairly quickly. While I’m using logic and I’m not attacking him personally, I’m still yelling or snapping which is hurtful and unproductive, and at that point he’s pretty much not listening or engaging in the conversation anymore.
Example:
I was telling my partner about the paddle shifters in my new (electric) car.
Me: “Oh, I found out that the paddle shifters in my car are for controlling the level of regenerative braking.”
Him: “That’s NOT what paddle shifters are for, I’ve driven cars with paddle shifters before and it’s for changing gears!!”
Me: “I’ve been driving the car and the dashboard says regenerative braking and changes to 1, 2, or 3, plus I read the manual…. also electric cars technically don’t even have gears… google it please.”
Him: [keeps arguing, refuses to google the manual]
Me: [starts angrily yelling]
Overall, our issue seems to be how we are communicating, not the content. I do think that he would benefit from some logic/philosophy courses, but that’s a whole different topic. We are usually able to calm down later and kind of laugh things off, but it does create a lot of tension and resentment. I would like to be able to quickly stop the arguments and move things in a different direction, rather than escalating.
Redditors, do you know of any awesome books, worksheets, exercises, activities, or other resources that we can utilize to work on our communication skills?
TL;DR
My partner [24M] and I [24F] frequently have petty arguments due to poor communication. Do you have any tips or resources to help us stop having these arguments and instead just have healthy dialogue?
1 comment
Ah, yet another woman explaining, “My partner acts awful, and then I don’t do a good enough job hiding my reaction, so we’re equally at fault.”
You cannot fix him yourself. Has he indicated that he is truly willing to examine his weaknesses, acknowledge his mistakes, and work hard to change his behavior?