TL;DR Help, Partner won’t tell family about us.
My partner (30M) and I (31M) have been together for nearly 3 years. 7 months ago, he moved into my house and we combined our lives. His family lives out of state and he only sees them a few times a year, but he speaks with them nearly daily. He has always told me that he plans to tell them about our relationship, but each time I try to speak with him about it, it becomes a fight. He told me that he would tell them before he moved in, then it became Christmas, and now, there’s no timeline at all. after 7 months, he hasn’t even given them his new address. Christmas and birthday gifts have been arriving at his old apartment from his family.
To complicate things, he is not out with his family, though he has explained that his family would be very accepting of him and of me. I don’t understand what to do. I’ve tried to help him take baby steps; start by giving them our address, then tell a trusted family member before coming out to his parents, but this has been met with dismissal and hostility. I feel so hurt, but it seems to make no difference. Our relationship is suffering and we cannot even share photos. My conservative, religious family has welcomed him with open arms, yet his don’t even know I exist. I know that this is sensitive and no one should be forced to come out, ever. But I would hope that given the circumstances, that this would be a reasonable and important step in our relationship.
How can I help him to overcome this shame he feels when he won’t accept my support?
5 comments
This might be the time to take a stand. He may *never* come out and tell them about you. Are you okay with feeling like the dirty little secret forever or until they find out by mistake?
Maybe he’s just not ready to come out yet. Give him time and support him through it.
Counseling for each of you, maybe? He’s got some major shame he needs to work out. And you deserve a partner who’s proud of you. Three years is a long time to be with someone who won’t acknowledge your place in his life.
Consider also posting this question on r/askgaybros
He has no intention on coming out.
Either live in the colset with him, when it comes to his family, or be prepared to end a relationship that isn’t meeting your perfectly legitimate needs.
It is a reasonable and important step. A step he lied to you about taking. And something that may reasonably make the relationship untenable for you.