We have been going out since we both were in college. We always talked about our future very lightheartedly and made sort of a timeline on when we would like things to happen. The major one being, getting married after graduation. Because hey, we’d find jobs easily since our fields are in high demand. Fast forward to 2020. The whole world is in shambles and we no longer talked about marriage because now we were two very in debt 21 and 22 year olds with no jobs. It wasn’t until he finally graduated (fall 2020) that we spoke about marriage again. We had both decided that it would be best to not get married until we both finish paying off our student loans.
I busted my ass off trying to find a job in my field that was hiring during the first part of the pandemic. It took me a year to find a job (Feb 2021) and once I found it, I took every paycheck and put it into my savings. Once I reached 23k back in November, I paid off my loans in full. I know interests and payments were paused but I wanted to move on with my life and step into the future adventures debt free.
Now, my bf took full advantage of the pause. He tried looking for work in his field but it was HEAVILY impacted by the pandemic (airline engineer). I had asked him to take any job because a paycheck is a paycheck. He has 12k in loans and I had said he could pay it back little by little. He refused to look for anything beneath him because to him “he had done the service industry and paid his dues with shit jobs.” Which I guess I get, but the way I saw it, beggars can’t be choosers. He eventually agreed and got a job at a warehouse. But at that time, he saved no money. He didn’t get a job in his field until 6 months ago
Fast forward to now. Loans are still on pause until late this year and he finally began saving money. This only happened because I had cried and had a breakdown saying I feel as if I did my part and held up my end of our deal. Meanwhile he didn’t and hasn’t tried to fulfill his part. (We would talk about marriage intermittently and it’d end with me being upset that he isn’t taking the steps we agreed on. It was that argument/ breakdown 2 months ago that everything came to a head).
We have been planning a vacation this summer and he has dropped hints that he is going to propose. After getting the feeling that it will finally happen, I don’t know if I actually want it anymore. I have found myself feeling like I have to plan my own proposal because he straight up asked if I’d pick my own ring. I know some people do that but since the very beginning I had always said I wanted to be surprised. All my life I felt as if it was me who had to plan everything or else I’d be disappointed in peoples lack of effort. And now here I am looking at ring options and sending it to him to get an idea of what I’d like.
I don’t know what to do, say or think. I needed to vent and just want any feedback on this situation
TLDR: I feel like I’ve been begging and at this point planning my own proposal. Now that it might actually happen I don’t know if I would say yes.
7 comments
I’m a little uncertain about your exact reasons for not wanting to marry him, so let me know if I’m mistaken. Marriage is essentially making a commitment to spend the rest of your life together and combine lives. You are not sure he is the one because he doesn’t put enough effort in? It sounds like he is doing enough (by his standards and it seems alright). Do you not see him as someone you can live and grow with long term?
He doesn’t want to get married, which is why he hasn’t asked. I don’t blame him. How about just being with him and not getting married? Men these days aren’t getting married not because they are afraid of commitment, they’re afraid of divorce. My buddy is getting divorced(which she inititiated, 80% of women do that) and not only does he have to pay his ex-wife 3k a month is also had to pay another 15k to pay her legal fees. Can you see why men don’t want to get married? Have you ever discussed you signing a prenup? That might get him to consider it.
I couldn’t add more back story because I was nervous it’d be too long. But essentially throughout our entire relationship, I have put in 100% while for the first half of it, he just kind of sat along for the ride. I haven’t noticed how much time and effort I’ve put until just recently when I’m sending him pictures of rings I would like. It has always been a huge thing for me that I want to be thought about when it comes to something as special as proposing. He’s hinting at proposing on this trip and I even put in my vacation days for this trip already and so has he. However, nothing is being planned. He suggested this trip and wanted to take it in the first place. But I’m the one saying we should talk about it and book tickets, find hotels etc. I guess I just want things planned while he’s more go with flow. It makes me feel like a mother and just turns me away from spending the rest of my life with him
It’s a red flag that you’ve had to carry the relationship. You’ve already said it, you feel like his mother. He’s proven to you that he won’t change. Why would he when you do all the work? Does this inequality pop up in other areas of your relationship?
With the amount of posts daily on here about engagement rings him asking if you wanted to pick out your own in no way signifies him wanting you to do the work. Like there are so many types of rings you may like, and if he didn’t ask you anything and guessed any part of your surprise wrong you’d be mad/upset/disappointed anyway. The WHEN of the proposal should be a surprise but if the how is a surprise then it’s fair to have to talk about that. You’re sure you have absolutely no opinions on what you want and would be happy with anything? Because If so sure be annoyed he brought it up, but if you catch yourself being like “if it’s gold and not silver” then it’s fair for him to have asked.
Also if it had taken him longer to get a job it would be slightly more fair to be so irritated, a year out in a pandemic isn’t some huge moral failing and sign of laziness here. He didn’t want to get a job outside the field at all and ended up getting one for a bit so he does listen to you. It’s fair to want to be done but maybe spend some time thinking about your expectations and why you have them so you can better articulate what you want
Going to play devils advocate here.
Once in a lifetime pandemic which shut down the whole industry his major is dedicated to, and you wanted him to go back into the service industry after 5 years of college and getting a engineering degree.
A man’s fantasy is that a woman will still care and love him when he is at his lowest.
I couldn’t imagine a lower point in that dudes life.
There is supportive and then there is controlling and pushy.