So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and I will preface this by saying I love her incredibly much and can see a life with her apart from the issues surrounding our sex life.
So for a bit of background, she struggles heavily with anxiety which definitely takes its toll. She has terrible anxiety induced insomnia which affects her pretty much every night that she has something on the next day (work, college, drinks etc).
She also struggles a lot with self doubt and body image issues (I am always reassuring and complimenting her on her abilities, appearance etc). Gut issues like bloating (potentially also anxiety induced) also don’t help with the body image thing either.
Then there’s the issue of vaginismus (again, probably also anxiety induced). The first few months of us being together there was no issues at all with penetration. She has told me that she have issues with previous partners before me however and had seen a pelvic floor therapist and used dilators to help resolve that, but stopped using them and threw them away a year (as a sort of celebration that she defeated it) before we got together.
Also want to be clear – I have never once pressured her into penetrative sex especially not with the vaginismus. I have always been super clear that it doesn’t worry me and we don’t need penetration to have good sex and at the beginning of symptoms when could still PIV but sometimes would have pain, it was always on her terms and I always asked her to communicate any pain with me so I can stop. I have always been super supportive of her through this and never pressured her or made her feel bad.
Couple other important details:
– I definitely have a high libido, hers used to be just medium, wasn’t a problem at all but seems to be low now.
– She has never had an orgasm and seems to think she never will.
– Her mom was quite sex negative growing up, saying stuff like sex is gross/men are gross etc from teen years onward – potentially to discourage? But I think all it did is harm my GF’s ideas around sex.
– Have noticed her mom can be quite dismissive of her dad and not take him seriously with requests or emotions etc. Wonder how this has affected my GF.
Anyways, it’s been probably 6 months since the last time we had penetrative sex (which is fine) and a couple more months longer than that since it was regular. Before vaginismus was an issue we would have sex multiple times a week, go for multiple rounds etc – though our living arrangements at the time allowed for this.
We have both moved back home to our parents houses for the time being (privacy isn’t an issue when at my house, but is at hers so she is usually too anxious of this to do anything at her house) so aren’t seeing each other as often as when were living in apartments with roommates – but we still probably see each other 2-4 times a week under normal circumstances, which you’d think would mean every time we meet at least at my house that we’d have some sort of sexual activity since its infrequent but this isn’t usually the case. Variety of reasons, sometimes it’s lack of sleep, sometimes she feels insecure, sometimes she is irritable and so on.
The real issue is not the lack of PIV sex but the lack of sexual activity in general. Sometimes we go a week or more without really any sexual contact beyond a few kisses and cuddles as my advances for going further get rejected more often than not and she doesn’t really initiate. Average would probably be once per week of some sort of sexual activity usually lasting less than 15min.
She also has never given me blowjob to completion – the few it’s gotten close she has got me or her to finish with hands because she doesn’t want me to finish in her mouth (which is fine, she has a very overactive gag reflex) but problem is usually she’ll give head for about a minute then just ask me to finish myself off while she watches then it’s all finished for the night.
She also doesn’t really let me go down on her very often anymore despite her always enjoying it (at least that’s what she says and how she acts) and knowing how much I love it, and sometimes when I do she’ll just get me to wrap up early to just stop or on occasion to give me one of those BJs despite me being perfectly happy to go forever. Think she can get insecure about me being down there and seeing her body from that angle as well.
I also get a lot of the typical “can we just have one night without any sexual stuff/all you think about is sex” sorta shit which just deflates me, but I feel like she says it as a defence mechanism to deflect from her insecurities or whatever the reason she doesn’t want to may be.
I don’t want to have sex just to get off – I want to have sex because it’s the most intimate time with her and emotionally important to me. I think she must think I’m just a man with testosterone making me horny all the time, which while true, doesn’t mean I should just get over it as I don’t care for finishing more so the actual experience with her. I have resorted to masturbating a 3-5 times a week which just makes me feel lonely and want her.
Occasionally we’ll have a night where it’s really intimate and fun and all my worries go away but this is like once a month max otherwise its the typical rejection or half ass blowjob/3 min of me giving her head. The good nights are still usually max 20-30 min and never second round or anything – we might do 69 (usually not as she gets insecure of me seeing her in that position) or something and thats as adventurous as it gets lol. Have talked about anal or pegging but she just seems indifferent so haven’t really pursued it much.
She hasn’t pursued any sort of treatment for her vaginismus since this has been occurring with us (she mentioned at the start of the year she wanted to get over it, but nothing happened since then) which hurts a lot and makes my stomach churn to think that she obviously cared enough about sex with her FWB’s before me to use dilators and such to fix it. But won’t do it now?
I just feel like I can’t really bring up wanting her to see a pelvic floor therapist and dilating again as it isn’t my place and I don’t want to seem selfish making it about me. And it makes her emotional to think about it and how daunting the road ahead to fixing it is. I guess it’s likely also anxiety and upbringing related and so would want her to see someone (CBT?) for that but don’t know how to approach the subject without coming across as selfish, seem like I’m guilt tripping her or hurting her feelings.
I just feel really undesired and inadequate due to lack of her initiating and all of the rejection/dismissals toward my end and I really really miss what we had pre vaginismus. I really love this woman and love being intimate with her and all other parts of our relationship are great. I am so empathetic and supportive with all the roadblocks (vaginismus, anxiety, body image, insomnia) she has run into on the way but it seems like she gets too overwhelmed by all of them and then doesn’t want to do anything about any of it. Which I completely understand, but I can’t keep going like this. Any advice?
2 comments
Theres a lot to address so I won’t get everything important so I’ll just go with what I remember off the top of my head as I go along. Soz.
So you say that not having sex is “fine”, but your entire post says that it’s not actually fine. None of it is fine. And that’s okay.
Your first step is realizing that your feelings and thoughts and frustrations are as valid as hers.
You are allowed to talk about this with her. Her anxiety and everything does not trump your needs and anxiety and frustration.
In a committed relationship it *is* your place to ask and comment on certain needs that will improve your relationship. You just aren’t allowed to *demand* anything. If she says no then you can’t force her. So if you feel like pelvic floor therapy and dilators and general therapy might help **both** of you, then you are allowed to mention it and talk about it. Communication is key. You are allowed to bring it up as many times as you need as long as its a conversation not an argument or forcefully.
>i also get a lot of the typical “can we just have one night without anything sexual” type shit
This is an important note you’ve kinda brushed over. Have you ever sat down and spoken about any of this without the precursor of rejection? As in you bring it up outside the bedroom, not after shes already said no to sex, and then out of frustration? You open with curiosity and honesty, rather than in defence or attack mode. You just spend some time together non sexually and then be like “so hey babe, can we talk, im having some feelings” remember I Feel statements.
Because that sentence alone means she *is* feeling pressured, even if you arent directly pressuring her. It can mean she is pressuring herself. Its also a sign of miscommunication. And its a sign of anxiety.
Have you explained the intimacy side of it while talking about this? Have you considered not finishing yourself when she gives up on the blowjob and say something like “the orgasm doesn’t matter”.
And while yes you seem very understanding and very considerate and everything else, is what youre doing what *she* needs from you? You can compliment her all day on her body, but does that actually do anything for *her*? Do you know what kind of support she actually needs, or are you just going off what support you know how to give? Theres nothing wrong with what youre doing, its just something people sometimes forget. Just because its what you would want from this scenario, doesnt mean its what will help someone else. Or just because it worked before, doesnt mean it will work now.
So maybe try asking what she needs. How you can help. How you can help her help herself.
And most importantly: **remember that your needs are important too**. You are valid in your feelings. You are valid in your frustrations. And you are valid in bringing them up. So just try to talk about it. You cant get anywhere by not having an open safe conversation about these things with your partner who it concerns.
“about a year”… man, just break up and go find a more compatible partner. you’re both setting yourselves up for years and years of resentment and eventual failure by staying together.