Hello!
I want to keep this short.
My fiancé went with her sister and her cousin to Amsterdam to celebrate her sister’s bachelorette party.
Right now she is in Red District and is texting me that she is watching at the live sex show where a lot of people have sex there in front of everyone. I’m alone at home.
I really don’t feel good about it, and it bothers me. I mean she sees dicks of other guys in real life. This is not acceptable for me.
I told her this and she said I shouldn’t worry about it and that she loves. She said she wouldn’t do anything in the world to hurt me or be irresponsible.
I just can’t accept this. I mean she had already a bachelorette party 2 weeks ago.
She just assured me that everything is ok and she’s there just for the experience.
We just talked on the phone and I snapped at her. She said she feels like shit for doing this and her whole mood changed and they just want to get back to the hotel.
Am I over reacting? Help me out navigate these emotions.
28 comments
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Do you have any reasons to not trust her? How long have you guys been together for? If you have no reasons to not trust her, she’s just having a fun time, which shouldn’t be an issue.
I’m not really a prudish guy when it comes to sex, but I definitely Do Not Think You’re Overreacting!
I wouldn’t think of stopping by a strip club with my buddies and not even consider mentioning it to my SO, let alone a live sex show in Amsterdam’s famous Red Light district. I assume she thinks it’s ok because there’s girls and guys on stage? Maybe she just got caught up in the excitement? Is she gonna start getting tattoos without mentioning it to you? You guys are in a relationship and it’s called mutual respect.
I assume she’s gonna try to frame this as you being controlling. I would remind her that she’s not single anymore, she has a partnership to consider. I would ask her if she is truly this oblivious to considering her partners feeling towards her actions
The way I see it, for a bachelorette party, you would expect her to see naked guys. Did she have sex with them, or just go to see them? She didn’t do this on her own. It’s for a bachelorette party. Seems fine to me. It would be the same as going to a bachelor aprty with your friends and seeing a stripper (although actual penetration is more extreme, but you still wouldn’t have sex with them).
Yes, you’re totally overreacting. She’s having fun with her friends to celebrate the bachelorette. She’s not participating in the sex show. She’s not hiring an escort. So she’s seeing live dick? So is everyone else in that room and no one there is cheating on anyone by doing so.
You just wrecked her time with her friends because you’re insecure and controlling. And I’d be saying the same thing if you were female and were upset about guys at a bachelor party.
If you don’t trust your GF THAT is the problem and you need to work on it. Making her feel like she’s done something wrong when she hasn’t is a sure way to ruin your relationship.
Her seeing dicks is fine. She’s just having fun. I don’t think she would cheat. Who would cheat with a dirty sex worker?
Bachelorette parties are normal. Going (out of the country?) for a second bachelorette party just two weeks after she had her own bachelorette party would raise eyebrows for me, however. How has your fiancee been about all this? If she’s highly attracted, she shouldn’t want to be away for that long so often.
In any serious relationship I’ve been in, it was never a big deal to them that I watched porn (as long as it was just random porn, and I wasn’t subscribed to anyone in particular).
But, I never went out with someone who was even remotely ok with a strip club. Like, that was a hard hard hard no. It’s not just digital pixels. It’s actual humans in real life.
The line of what is ‘cheating’ is very very blurry these days. And in any girls (that I’ve dated) opinion, this (real life porn), is way over the line. And personally, I agree with them.
Sounds like she’s single
A Bachelorette part in Amsterdam. Good luck, my friend.
You’re kinda overreacting.
She’s telling you what she is upto and is being really honest with you.
I’ve been to amsterdam recently and the sex show is more of a novelty thing that everyone goes and watches. It’s more of a laugh with friends, rather than anything bad you’re thinking. You’re literally in a tiny box, watching people fuck and can see other viewers hahah it’s a super weird experience.
You know your fiancé better than anyone on reddit, but it doesn’t sound like she’s gonna cheat judging from what you’ve said! chill dude
I assume like it’s a big room and there is more people sitting in there and watching from afar??
Have you been to Amsterdam? The red district is a speck. Who cares. Vegas or Montreal are much riskier than Amsterdam. Love that city and think it’s a nice place to go with anyone.
I mean, if you’re uncomfortable with it then she should respect your boundaries.
My soon to be ex-wife went to a bachelorette party for a black friend of ours a year ago at a hotel suite. Knowing the friend, I kept telling her to be prepared to see some BBC. She didn’t believe me. Sure enough, she texts me from the party and says a stripper is there flopping that thing around all over the suite and she’s hiding in a corner but happy our friend is having a good time. Shit was just funny to me because I trusted her and tried to tell her. And no, trust is not the reason she’s about to be my ex.
A man can be upset with his wife engaging in activities that are promiscuous just the same as a wife can be upset with her husband for doing the same. If you really want to be fair and stop this from being a Reddit gender war, you have to look at it like two people have expectations to save these kinds of things for each other. I’m shocked at the rules for thee not for me kind of mentality. No, it shouldn’t be that way.
>She said she feels like shit for doing this
Nawww. *Your* insecurities made her feel this way.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner going to places like that
None of these people have been to the red light district. A sex show and a strip club are not close to the same. You are making your gf feel like shit because you haven’t travelled enough.
Just to give you some data, I’ve been to Amsterdam but I’ve been to one of those shows, while it is all that nudity in front of everyone, you’re actually sitting in like a theater seat way back from everything, and it is surprisingly underwhelming to some degree, there’s definitely no action happening for anybody but the actress no touching or anything else like that
I would be uncomfortable with my partner attending those places, especially without me, though I think she’s doing the right thing by telling you. It’s showing she wants you to trust her and isn’t trying to hide it. Though I can understand why it bothers you.
I don’t think snapping at her is right though, especially when she’s being open with you about it. Most people would try and hide it, especially if they planned to actually cheat.
So yes I think you’re overreacting in how you brought it up to her, but you’re also right to feel that way.
She’s only watching, not staring in the show. Have some faith in your partner.
If youre watching porn, youre way over reacting. The only difference is the medium that it is presented. Yours is on a screen hers is in real life.
Besides shes in Amsterdam, besides weed what else is there to do for a bachelorette party there. What did you think was going to happen OP?
Find a strip club, and go for the “experience”.
Here’s my take:
1. Truth be told you should’ve talked about these lines with your partner before she left for a bachelorette party; What’s in, What’s out, and what are the grey areas. You’ve set yourself up for a hard time not having discussed this before now.
2. With that said, You need to listen to your feelings, communicate them in a less confrontational and aggressive way with your partner, and try to have a constructive conversation about what happened and what needs to happen moving forward. You aren’t entitled to run her into the ground over this if you have set clear lines before now, she was just being herself at a bachelorette party.
3. Do some digging and ask yourself why you’re really having this emotional reaction. Are you scared she’ll cheat? That she found arousal somewhere outside of you? Have you been cheated on in the past and now are sensitive to these situations? What ever the questions are, be honest in your self eval and find out what’s motivating these feelings of unsafe-ness you’re feeling about her watching sex. It often ends up being about us and our fears about ourselves and not the event at all, in my experience.
Remember there’s no hierarchy between logic and emotion, so don’t try to solve an emotion problem with logic. Be kind with her and yourself as you navigate this tough spot and remember the long term goal should be for you two to resolve this together, so don’t make her the enemy.
Good luck OP.
Disgusting. You need to break off the engagement. Watching people have sex “for the experience?”
Yeah no fuck that. She doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Break up with her if you want to/feel she has crossed a boundary for you.
That said, I can tell you that live sex shows are some of the unsexiest things that exist. They really are more like a novelty laugh than anything hot. Many of them you’re in a theatre setting with performers on stage going at it like robots… some acts do “tricks” like pulling meters of handkerchiefs out of their hoohahs or doing target practice with pingpong balls shooting out of their orifices. The audience is full of tourists (I went one time, and there were about 100 Japanese tourists in the front rows). This is not a sexy environment at all. It’s more to laugh and say you did something nuts in the famous Red Light district. There is zero contact with any of the performers (and plenty of huge bouncers to ensure that), so it’s not at all like a strip club where you can get private lapdances or whatever designed to satisfy urges.
Overall, I would put seeing a live sex show somewhere along the lines of getting a penis shaped cake for a bachelotte party… *”haha look at sex thing, so funny!”* but nothing you should worry much about. And it was great that she communicated honestly about it (a valuable trait in a partner if you ask me). But as I said in the beginning, if this is a hard boundary for you, you should enforce it how you see fit.
Sounds like you need a bachelor party.
Besides that don’t let anyone ever tell you that you “overreacting” there’s compromise or incompatibility. Rational or irrational concerns still results in incompatibility, correct? So the differentiation doesn’t matter.
So If it really bothers you, and you can’t come to a compromise, then you guys are incompatible.
You’re kind of the one coming off as a bossy bitch, in my opinion. Get your “permission” for a tattoo? That’s some controlling behavior you have. Now asking your opinion, and discussing it with you? That would sound more healthy. Don’t think you can ever own anyone, even you’re wife. Marriage is an agreement but not an agreement to be owned. (Edit: reply to some shit that has been deleted)