Hi and thanks.
We’ve been together for 5 years and have had a recurring issue the whole time of me feeling a bit uncomfortable with his female friends and how close he is with them. However, most of these friends he’s known for longer than we’ve been together, and I’ve met them and gradually have gotten over that feeling. I also have a couple male friends that I chat on the phone two every couple months. However, I never really try to make new guy friends– I feel like that’s a bit weird when you’re in a long-term relationship and may make your partner feel weird, unless it’s another couple hanging out with us or something like that. I know not everyone has this view, though.
We had a fight last weekend when he went out with his new friend. He left around 4:30 pm, saying he’d be back right after dinner (he guessed around 7 or so). He ended up getting drunk and staying out all night and then apparently falling asleep at his friends house and not getting home until 5:30 am. I was angry about the situation, but he didn’t think I should be, because he doesn’t go out that often and has been trying to make new friends since we moved to a new place 5 months ago. He implied that I was being controlling for being upset about him getting home late, but eventually apologized for it. I let it go because he hasn’t been out with friends for a long time, despite being very extroverted and needing that kind of thing.
So today we were having a talk about our relationship, and he said he felt like he couldn’t tell me some things because I’d be upset, and that he felt stifled by this. I asked him what he meant, and he said that on that night out, he had met some of his friend’s friends. One of them was a guy who he wants to play music with, and apparently, another was a girl who he discovered has the same job as him. He said they had discussed going to a meetup centered around their profession.
I immediately felt uncomfortable and like I couldn’t say anything (I didn’t want to get into a fight or be accused of being controlling), so I just got quiet and we eventually stopped talking. I feel like it’s a little inappropriate to be exchanging numbers with a girl when drunk and making plans to hang out. I’m not sure if it’s warranted for me to feel weird about this, or how I can get over it and try to feel better about it. I personally wouldn’t do it for fear of making my partner uncomfortable. Can someone give me any advice? Thank you.
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TL;DR: Boyfriend got drunk and exchanged numbers with a girl he just met to hang out. He has been wanting to make new friends in this area we moved to, and I don’t know if I’m being fair in feeling suspicious, or how to get over this feeling.
35 comments
Sounds like he has a drinking problem. Over 30 and staying out all night drinking is already a red flag. You being upset about that was completely reasonable as he isn’t making any good friends by doing that. Ask to go with and meet these new friends. This doesn’t sound like a good relationship if you can’t openly talk about your feelings without being attacked or dismissed as controlling.
I would consider you to be controlling and sexist, but I would also consider him to be unreliable and worrisome. A particularly bad combination. He told you he’d be back right after dinner. He was not. And he got drunk and stayed over at the place of someone he apparently barely knows. That seems reckless and irresponsible. I would have some issues with reconsidering if that was the sort of person I wanted to be involved with.
But when it comes to who he is friends with – either you trust him or you don’t. If you don’t trust him, reconsider the relationship. If you do, then don’t create sexist rules about who he can and cannot hang out with. Have one set of rules for what he can do with other people, and have it be regardless of sex.
And if you two cannot agree on boundaries for the relationship, then don’t be together.
I don’t like that this all happened on a day you had a fight. That, combined with alcohol, gives me me serious red flags 🚩
By *far* the bigger issue here is that your boyfriend is in his mid-30s and *still* goes out getting drunk.
Like all people with a drinking problem, he says he’ll do “x” yet ends up doing the opposite on account of being drunk.
A blackout drunk person is genuinely not in control of their actions – that’s the kind of state where a person can cheat on their partner and not even remember. It sounds like he gets into that state.
It sounds to me like you’re wasting your life on low-quality men, and you spend your time in situations a person in their 30s really should not find themselves in. You’ve chosen to date the type of man who you are probably aware doesn’t *really* have the backbone to stop himself cheating, and who drinks enough that he probably regularly loses the ability to control what he’s doing.
Well, sadly, when you make that choice the life you have now is about as good as it gets.
He’s 35- staying out all night and not getting home until 5:30 is disrespectful to your partner and troubling at his age. However, if the woman he was talking to is in his career and he genuinely wants to go to a professional meetup with her, I don’t think that’s inappropriate. It doesn’t sound like you two have healthy communication.
IMO this all depends on the trust level in your relationship. But I imagine it’s very hard to trust a guy who tells you he’ll be home around 7 then stays out all night drinking, passes out at a friend’s place and comes home at 5:30am.
Yeah I wouldn’t be accepting his behaviour. No one in a commited relationship should be staying out all night til 5:30am drunk or not. Sounds like he’s gaslighting you about being controlling when it’s perfectly reasonable to question his behaviour. As for meeting a random girl he now wants to be friends with, red flag for me. Sorry.
It’s fine to make a potential new friend of a friend, of any gender and exchange contact information. It’s ridiculous to get so drunk you pass out at someone else’s house and don’t get home until ten hours after your planned return. You’re focused on the wrong thing, but also he‘s not exactly proving himself to be a reliable person who makes good decisions.
Whether he planned on lying to you or just got so drunk he forgot his plan to be home around 7, you have every reason to be upset and he’s definitely trying to manipulate you. Any logical person can see this behavior and understand why you as his partner for 5 years are upset. He is practically slapping you in the face with his red flags. Everything is about him and his feelings. When has he prioritized your feelings?
Have you stopped questioning whether he’s faithful because it makes him mad when you do? Or have you just never looked for proof?
I don’t think you were out of line with the night out. It’s not like he lost track of time and showed up at 7:30 or 8pm. It was 6 in the fucking morning.
As far as going to a career meet up with a girl I don’t really see a problem with it. If he’s going over to her house one on one or something, sure, that’s pretty sketch. If he disappears until 6 am with her, super sketch. But going to a professional oriented public meet up with lots of other people isn’t really all that sus.
I also don’t think there’s a terribly big issue with going out and getting drunk in your 30s. Most of my friends in New York still do it a few times a month and it sounds like he does it even less than that. The problem is that it seems like once he starts drinking that becomes his priority and anything else he planned to do just goes out the window. That’s not normal, even for people who go out and get shit faced.
I can’t even begin to explain the rage I feel for you. I had this identical issue with an ex. Now that I’ve had several years away from him I can see clearly that this behavior was completely unacceptable. He’s gaslighting you to make it seem like this is not an issue of his inappropriate behavior and crossing boundaries, but that it’s an issue of him being unable to tell you things because you will “get upset”. My advice is to make a plan B for what you will do if the relationship ends. I had my “escape plan” and it came in handy when we broke up and I had everything ready to go. I can especially relate to the promise of being home at dinner and then not coming home at all, always a joy to worry if someone you care about is ok when really they’re just out getting hammered and chatting up other women.
If drinking makes you do things that you otherwise claim you wouldn’t, there’s a very simple fix. You stop drinking.
You should agree upon what’s acceptable behavior in a relationship. I’m my relationship, going out to bars to “make new friends” of the opposite gender is not acceptable behavior for either of us. If he is getting so drunk that he stays out all night at 35, either he’s an alcoholic or he’s cheating. Either would be a deal breaker for me.
The new friends and their genders are the least of your issues.
You have a BF who is getting shit faced at 35?!?! Then, when you speak up, he calls YOU controlling?!?!
Sorry, I would not put up with that. A partner is just that, a partner. It doesn’t sound like he respects you.
Boy Friend. He is a boy but not a friend. Seriously. You’re not respected.
Stays out for the first time in months – OMG DRINKING PROBLEM PROBLY DRUGS TOOO — ffs this sub has a way of projecting its own shit onto strangers.
Trying to be the cool girlfriend never works out. Speak your mind, protect your boundaries. This relationship seems messy and you may need to reevaluate what you want going forward.
> He ended up getting drunk and staying out all night and then apparently falling asleep at his friends house and not getting home until 5:30 am.
Surprised nobody caught this one. He cheated.
LOL he stayed out all night and told you you shouldn’t be mad? Girl. He fell asleep all right, after he banged her. Kick this one to the curb.
> …he said he felt like he couldn’t tell me some things because I’d be upset
> I immediately felt uncomfortable and like I couldn’t say anything…so I just got quiet and we eventually stopped talking.
Well it sounds like he has a point with this one(despite him being wrong about the person who causes the issue). It sounds like you don’t feel you can communicate your feelings in your relationship, so you just don’t, and that obviously has a bad impact on both of you. And the cause of this behaviour doesn’t really impact how unhealthy it is. You need to be able to voice your concerns in your relationship.
Obviously though, if he’s gonna accuse you of being controlling for raising anything you feel is wrong in your relationship, then it’s quite likely that it’s not actually you that’s the controlling one(baring the context of what you raise and how you raise it, of course). However, this post is not only presenting a varied set of issues where each of you is indeed being controlling, but is also presented in a way wherein each of you is being controlling, so I’m a bit stumped on how to advise here.
First off, yes. You are being controlling to get upset at him for making a female friend. **If you do not trust your partner not to cheat on you with any female he meets, then you need to end your relationship, rather than try and force him to not make friends.** Your view, and the actions you take in your relationship as a result, is controlling and unfair. Find a partner whose values you share, rather than trying to impose them on him, and blaming him for not sharing them.
However, him saying he will be home at 7, and coming home instead at 5am, and you bring upset about it, is *not* controlling, and it is manipulative of him to act as thought it is. **He is trying to gaslight you that the issue is only in your mind and that it is a symptom of a bigger issue that you have, when that is absolutely not the case.** And I can see that this sort of behaviour, in reference to the quotes above, is having a huge impact on your comfort level of raising issues in this relationship.
Guess my advice here is to find someone who’s values align to yours, because you two don’t share core values, and it’s going to continue to cause problems in your relationship. And unfortunately, you’ve found someone who will weaponize those core differences, which really isn’t a trait you want in a long term partner. But this relationship is especially untenable if you are already at the point of not raising issues when they occur.
I think it’s very inappropriate. Staying out all night wasn’t cool but if it’s not a habitual thing then you have a fight then make up, as you did. But he told you he omitted things, which to me is mildly lying. That is where the concern is. I hate liars and those who omit things knowing it will upset someone, that someone being you. Don’t be silent, speak up.
He’s trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad so he can do what he wants.
It’s ok to set boundaries, Don’t let him tell you otherwise.
His behavior is inappropriate and I bet he wouldn’t like you getting drunk and making random male friends.
IMO you should ask him to sign a postnuptial agreement and find some kind of marriage counseling cause he sounds like he needs someone else but you to tell him he’s not very respectful of your marriage.
He needs to know that telling him he’s doing something that makes you uncomfortable isn’t controlling and he is the one being manipulative to get his way.
Making female friends is one thing. Staying out all night and “passing out” at a friend’s house til 5:30 in the morning is something completely different. Girl he is playing you. I’ve been there. I’ve never had confirmation that my ex cheated but he did pocket dial me one day and I heard his drunk ass say “I love you I love you I love you” over and over again to someone else. I stayed with the bozo for 7 of my good years I can’t have back. He does not respect you nor will he ever. Leave now.
Bro even if he didn’t cheat you need to be willing to dump and move on to people who will be genuine about what weird behavior is. Will he be cool w you meeting a male friend while out drunk? If he is you’re just some girl he’s banging you’re not his girl. Never listen if people tell you you’re crazy about anything you’re uncomfortable with.
He crossed the line by purposely doing things that he knows hurt’s and disrespects you. Once a spouse loses respect for the other the relationship is done, even if they don’t leave {due to circumstances} their heart and mind will be elsewhere. He is acting like a single guy and lashing out at you like you’re being unreasonable when what you want/need are inside the normal boundary’s of normal relationships, ..because he wants to live the party life and be that ‘immature party guy’, even admitting to keeping secrets from you. Lying straight to your face and staying out all night with some ‘new friend’ was intentional cruelty, he simply didn’t care. Then bringing in some ‘random girl he met’ into the convo is red flag central… liars are not trustworthy people. Life is too short to spend it on someone who doesn’t put you first while you’re putting them first.
I don’t think the issue is him having friends of the opposite gender. It seems like it’s more along the lines of you not being able to trust him to set healthy boundaries that respect your relationship or for him to have good judgement when making decisions.
You’re not overly controlling, instead of guarding your heart he’s juggling it.
I know others are saying exchanging numbers with a member of the opposite sex and making plans to hang out while in a committed relationship is fine and normal, but I’d be uncomfortable with it 🤷
He doesn’t respect you enough to just simply text you and say, “Hey, I’m gonna be home later than expected, maybe XX PM/AM, so don’t worry about me.”?
Lol, I’m bi so you’d be immediately sus of any person I have a non-professional interaction with if we dated.
Glad you’re probably straight and I’m a woman 😌
Seriously though, him coming home at odd hours, getting shit faced, and not knowing where he is. All things that should be drastically more concerning to you than what girls he’s talking to.
If you feel that disrespected date some ultra conservative traditionalist Christian. He won’t be in the same room as another woman by himself.
Otherwise, you’re stuck with normal folk who have friends and socialize.
In which case, either you don’t trust him (break up with him)
Or you don’t trust any guy, so stay with him and work on your issues on why you’re this insecure with your guy having female friends (introspection and change)
He isn’t trustworthy and is upset you don’t trust him?
He’s 35 and getting wasted and not coming home… He’s not going to change and you will stay feeling like this the whole time you are together.
I find this al very inappropriate. ALL OF IT. You both should go out together more often and your man should not Be doing what he does. It is now leading to PROBLEMS. Work out boundaries.
“I can’t tell you because you’ll get mad” is a great defense for a cheater, IMO. It frames you as unreasonable for having VERY reasonable expectations in a relationship, points to him lying if it suits his own needs- also it sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Coming home the next day is cheating for me. That would have been the end of it.
Based on past experience with an ex it seems like he is grooming you to keep quiet and let him have his fun with other women. If you aren’t the “cool girlfriend” and enforce what are really reasonable boundaries (like don’t get drunk and crash with random women he met at bars) then “you’re controlling”. Seems like you’re walking on egg shells trying not to upset him and are stifling your own (reasonable) feelings, though he is trying hard to make you feel guilty about having such feelings.
Most glaring thing here is how little he seems to consider your feelings, happiness and sense of security. Everything revolves around him and what makes him happy even if it comes at your expense.
There is nothing worse than repressing feelings in a relationship. With my ex I decided I would not cause a fuss when I felt insecure, even after I knew he had cheated on me once before and I forgave him (regret that). I sat back and bit my tongue when he would be out all hours with other women “friends”. I would lay awake until 4am wondering when he would come home. Turns out he was cheating and basically cheated our entire relationship. I wasted so much time holding on and convincing myself to have faith in him.
He was so selfish and in retrospect did not prioritize me or our relationship. While I sacrificed my time, money and sanity trying to keep our lives afloat and strife free.
I guess all this is to say take a good hard look at what he brings to the relationship. Is it actually worth the turmoil you’re going through? The pain you could possibly go through if infidelity is a factor? You may be happier on your own or with someone else! Wishing you the best and sending you strength!
Leave the relationship. If he is doing it now he will do it while you are home with a new baby. He has shown you who he is. It’s not ok to leave an argument and not get home until 5 am. You are worth more than this. Get out now. You will thank me later.
>He left around 4:30 pm, saying he’d be back right after dinner (he guessed around 7 or so). He ended up getting drunk and staying out all night and then apparently falling asleep at his friends house and not getting home until 5:30 am
This is a huge problem. Many people would not put up with this bullshit, especially at his age.
Neither one of you is like, objectively wrong or anything. But you clearly have different standards of appropriate behavior in a relationship.