Long post warning
CW- mention of abuse
So I’m not sure how to really describe our issues but I’m going to try the best I can. I (23f) need a man’s perspective and advice.
In a nutshell: my husband (31m) is on the verge on divorcing me because he’s convinced that I secretly want his dick to change and that I want and heavily prefer big penises.
Backstory: we were best friends before we got married. When I had met him (I was 20), I had just moved from my parents home for the first time. I grew up very sheltered, experienced a lot of intrusive parenting, I didn’t have male friends, I hardly ever had female friends. The ones I did have we nerdy and just as non social as me and they didn’t have partners or sexual experience or really sexual thoughts like that for that matter. I was socially isolated and badly bullied. I feel very behind the curve sexually and socially (so I have a hard time expressing my thoughts appropriately sometimes)
I’ve also experienced childhood trauma. My first intro into the real world in dating and sexuality was from two abusive men (sexual, physical, and mental/verbal) when I was 18 and 19 and that was about it. My past is promiscuous. I have BP and BPD. I was unmedicated this whole time (I’m medicated now). I also experienced active addiction during the second event I’ll mention. When I left my parents, I didn’t know who I was sexually, what I was into or wanted, or how in typical social settings people view these things.
The first dildo I ever bought was a big one… I was 18 when it was purchased. I was with my best friend at the time and she was helping me pick one and because I didn’t know what I wanted, we just picked it out because it was just interesting and that’s it(my husband thinks that it’s because I’m fiened out for big dicks and that it must have been because that was what I was seeking). Dildos are expensive and I didn’t plan on buying a new one and of course it got the job done so I kept it. I hadn’t even ever had a big dick before and it really wasn’t gotten to fill a longing for anything.
When my husband and I became friends, he had seen my dildo and never told me until after our wedding how it made him feel. Apparently this whole time he was bothered because he secretly was into me and the dildo made him feel like his average penis was inadequate and that I wouldn’t want it and that it was clear what my preference is. He always goes on about how he was traumatized by porn at a young age and how his brain was wired to think that unless you have a penis that can put a woman in a hospital that she can find no pleasure in it. He also says it’s a man thing and that culturally and socially men are programmed to think that in some form too. I have a hard time understanding where he’s coming from.. I get it but as a woman I suppose I’ll never really understand but I wish I could.
The second instance that makes him feel like what he has is not what I want or desire is a hookup I did twice when I was in active addiction. I was drunk one night and ended up getting scooped for a hookup with someone and that’s how I met the guy and the initial crucial piece happened. He coincidentally had a large penis and I took it the whole way through. The next day I was describing it in such a “glorifying” way (I had never talked about previous average partners from my life at my parents house this way to him before but again that was my fuck up because the best sex I’ve ever had before was from average men. Again, I also blame it on immaturity). Tbh though looking back at it I really find that I was just immature and obliterated and my pain tolerance was probably different, I was inexperienced and it was new. It doesn’t help I called this guy back a second time (I didn’t remember that at all, I was blacked out on xans- my roommates at the time informed me of this. So I don’t have an opinion on the experience).
I fucked up when I told him about that first experience. In his head, he took it as this is the only thing that can get her off. She won’t even be able to feel me/she can’t feel me. Maybe if I had a dick big enough to impale her she might be satisfied. She’s constantly thinking about and craving and missing big dicks. When I’m fucking her she’s thinking about other dicks the whole time and putting up with it because she loves me.
He says these things have made him feel so insecure that it was drilled into his mind to see me one way. Now I’ve gotten more experience sexually since then and grown more I’ve looked back at what I can remember from the first hookup and really I can honestly say on a scale of hell no to the best thing ever I can rate my interest or enjoyment in big dicks as “iffy”. After my experiences and the dildo and growth mentally, socially, sexually and coming into what I want I’ve concluded that my pleasure lies with average penises and that I feel like I get the most from that compared to the latter end of the spectrum. I can’t say I hate big penises… But they are “iffy” for me. I’ve tried explaining how this is and why to him but I’m not good at putting words to my thoughts and feelings. I’m extremely terrible actually. It does more damage than it helps.
Men, this is where I need your help.
He’s at the point where he feels like we’re not sexually compatible because he really believes deep down that I want him to be different. I say I don’t but he tells me that it’s because of emotions and because I love him. I try telling him it’s purely physical and about his penis but he doesn’t trust that. If I can’t explain how I see them as “iffy” for me and get him to understand that I really find 100% pleasure in his average penis then he’s going to leave me to find a woman who hates big dicks off the get go go that he has nothing to be worried or insecure about.
How can I talk to him? He says he doesn’t understand how I’ve been explaining it and he needs it explained in a different way so that he can understand better. He always talks about how he has all the circumstantial evidence in the world to prove that I feel the way he thinks I feel but it’s not the truth in the slightest.
I’m desperate for him to understand. I don’t want to lose my husband over my past that shouldn’t have happened but unfortunately he’s so mentally fucked because of it that it seems that it may actually happen. He says I have one more chance to explain it differently and to get him to understand or he’s leaving.
Men, how would you work with this? What can I do to help my case or help him understand? I really messed up and my marriage is failing because of it. I love him so so much and I feel like he really is everything I want and desire and pleasured by both physically and spiritually. I love his penis. I want him to know that somehow. He’s also the bestest I’ve ever had and I express that to him often It’s broken and I am so lost. He’s willing to work with me if I can do this. He compared it to a teacher and their students. If a student is failing a class despite giving their best effort then it is on the teacher and the teacher needs to find a different approach to help them understand but I’m so not good at that. I always mess up when I talk because I’m just not good at processing things and formulating my thoughts.
Please help me.
9 comments
When I was in my 20s, I had a lot of insecurity about my average sized junk.
In my late 40s, I’m the one buying toys bigger than me for my wife.
Somewhere along the way I matured from being threatened by this to finding it sexy when a woman isn’t afraid to tell me exactly what feels good to her.
As far as your man goes, you really have to focus on helping him understand that you aren’t making sacrifices to be with him, you picked the guy you want to be with.
>the dildo made him feel like his average penis was inadequate
Not to be too callous if I can help it, but this is kind of a him problem. If he feels threatened by inanimate pieces of sillicone, that’s way more on him than on you. And it’ll ultimately be up to him to wrestle with his inner demons and stare them down, you can’t do that internal work for him. You can be somewhat supportive, but you can’t walk through that door for him.
>He also says it’s a man thing and that culturally and socially men are programmed to think that in some form too.
As a man, I can anecdotally tell you it’s definitely not all men. I’m exactly in the middle of the bell curve length wise, maybe a little to the right on girth (I’ll take it) and toys don’t intimidate me at all. I know my d is plenty pleasurable for most women, and I don’t get twisted into knots inside at the idea that I’m somehow inadequate compared to toys. I know enough women have had enough orgasms on my d, and I’m not gonna un-know that. You want to try a Bad Dragon? Go for it, naughty girl. I’ll help use it with you if you dare. Toys are tools, men are tool-users.
So. I think this mega-insecurity is his battle to fight, and I think it’s OK and even advisable to draw a line in the sand and a boundary on this one. “You have a psychology injury related to dick insecurity, and it’s my job to fix it for you? No. I’m here for you, love you and support you, but you have a psychological dick security injury and it’s YOUR job to fix it for you. I’m not trained or experienced enough to fix your injuries, that’s the job for a qualified therapist. I can hug you before and afterwards and go with you to the appointment, but I can’t fix your psyche for you.” It’s not fair for you to be put in a situation where you feel you have to fix him or he’ll leave you.
>He’s willing to work with me if I can do this.
Again, if you believe me, this isn’t fair. He needs to work with himself and a THERAPIST to see if HE can do this.
>If a student is failing a class despite giving their best effort then it is on the teacher and the teacher needs to find a different approach to help them understand
Nope. You’re not the teacher here in this analogy. It’s a marriage, a relationship of equals, not one of senior-junior. You’re both students. He’s a fellow student, and he’s saying you have to loan him your homework or else it’s your fault if he doesn’t get an A. In this analogy, he needs to go visit the school counselor and get an adult. You aren’t expected to have a psychology degree and un-foul his deep-rooted psychological difficulties.
Draw the line. Draw a boundary. Don’t except unfair psychological responsibilities, which this is. You can be willing to support him as he gets the help he needs from a professional, but you can’t and shouldn’t be the professional. Those expectations are unfair. He needs to own his majority share in this problem as part of the road to victory. I don’t promise it will be easy for him to fight this battle within himself. But I know who can’t fight his battles for him- you.
PS- feel free to go in for couples counseling too.
Your marriage isn’t ‘failing’ because of you; he is trying to blame and guilt-trip you for his insecurities and then putting all the load onto you. Please don’t beat yourself up over this and do not, for a second, accept that his behaviour is your fault.
Ultimately your past is your past, you did what you did and some things you’re not proud of – that’s a part of growing up and part of the mental state that you now get treatment for. If we didn’t do stupid shit, did we ever really learn anything? I suggest you don’t pander to him too much on that front and just lay that out straight – he needs to put on his big-boy pants and accept that everyone has a past.
If pornstar dick was what really makes you happy then you would not have continued to date and eventually marry him. You chose him and HIS dick and what he does to/for/with you. If it helps him, there are studies on penis size preferences and women fairly consistently pick larger equipment for a one-nighter or non-romantic sex than they do for a long-term partner – there is such a thing as too big, because I’m sure you can confirm that while getting your guts rearranged by some enormo-peen might have been a fun experience in the moment, and even the days of discomfort that can follow might act as a reminder of the fun you had, that’s not the experience anyone wants regularly.
He thinks all there is to sex is penis size and he’s not willing to listen when you explain that your biggest sex organ is the brain. A guy can have the most perfect cock, designed especially for you to give you exactly the right sensations – but if your head’s not in the game, it’ll only ever be ‘ok’ at best. You could try to get him to consider blowjobs – you can have a great BJ technique, but how would that compare to a woman who is hungry for his cock and wants to suck his very soul out through his dick?
His teacher analogy is vastly flawed too – it takes two. If the kids in the class aren’t listening then the best lesson in the world is going nowhere – and right now, he says he doesn’t understand but the reality is he doesn’t appear to be listening when you tell him that he is the best partner you’ve had and when you tell him your experience. If he doesn’t believe you then there isn’t a magic word you can say.
Hopefully some of that will help you clarify things!
A few approaches that might work, don’t know how true they are:
Big dicks are iffy. Sometimes they can feel good but if something goes wrong it’s painful and the experience is ruined. You’d much rather have one that doesn’t hurt you. The idea that big dicks are always better is a guy myth. All you need is “big enough” and he delivers on that front reliably.
You can enjoy a dildo that’s bigger than your preferred real dick size because you’re in complete control of it and know how to keep it from being painful. The extra length is mainly useful for helping you move it around. He’s probably imagining you putting it all the way in with every thrust instead of only going as deep as you want and leaving the rest outside.
What you said or did when you were drunk, unmedicated, addicted, etc. shouldn’t be taken as the gospel truth of who you are. That’s not the life you want to live. He should know you want a future with him and he should know better than to let his insecurity pull apart his marriage. It’s insulting for him to act like somebody will one day pull a tree trunk out of their pants and wreck everything because you can’t help yourself. Life isn’t a porno. Life’s also too short to feel bad about things he can’t change. He has a wife who loves him the way he is, and you know a thing or two about self-sabotage – it looks like that’s what he’s doing right now.
I hate red cars… i love them, you are insecure and must buy one tomorrow to get over yourself. So.. not unexpected on here but no answers to the question. To start with, stop having conversations about why big dicks and dildos don’t matter. You’re keeping the whole thing alive in his brain. He clearly needs professional help here but you need to be slowly and gently encouraging. Keep telling him how much you love and need him and talk about your future together, sack the dildo, quietly without telling him, if you haven’t already and don’t talk about the past, only your future with him. If he can recognise that he does want to be with you, then, maybe he’ll be able to start working his way back. My only other worry is that he’s hiding the fact that he can’t cope with your past at all and that one is even harder or impossible to resolve.
Speaking as a man, I agree with CleverReversal – the majority of the problem is with him and his insecurity. The ONLY way I see you having any kind of culpability is in how descriptively you went on about enjoying the larger man when you were younger. But that being said, it was years ago and, as you’ve said, you’ve grown up and matured since then. He, on the other hand, seems to have a real issue with both communication and acknowledging that people can change. You have said both that he waited until AFTER marriage to let you know how much things bothered him, and he refuses to accept that, having been with you as long as he has, that seeing you grow and sort through your baggage just MIGHT also have changed your sexual preferences/helped you learn more about what you want. This warrants couples therapy. He needs to uncover why he is so hesitant to talk to the woman he apparently loves enough that he ASKED TO MARRY HIM. It will also help you learn to communicate yourself, as you admit you also aren’t the best at this, which won’t be helping in the event he actually DOES try to communicate with you. A marriage counsellor will help guide you both through your feelings and teach you ways to open up and talk to each other. I would also wonder why he doesn’t believe you when you straight-up TELL him you are satisfied with him. Yes, sure, there ARE women who lie about this to their partners, but have you ever lied to him? If so, then THAT is what needs to be focussed on, not the sex thing, you need to regain his trust. But if you haven’t, then why does he not believe you when you tell him something?
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All things that need to be addressed in marriage counselling.
His dissatisfaction, the marital trouble, isn’t just about sex — I’m almost sure of that.
In fairness, we’re only getting your side of the story, especially your self portrayal.
He certainly comes across as hugely insecure, pathologically suspicious, pathologically obsessive and having multiple obsessions. He seems to be jerking your chain, using your own insecurities to manipulate you. Despite being 8 years older, he’s no wiser. It’s immature to regard such a deeply flawed person as one’s everything and soul mate. Then again, it’s also possible that in general, your feelings about people are volatile. You say you have BPD, so you and he are both flawed psychologically. People with big psychological issues deserve to be loved as much as anyone else, but this relationship has grown toxic.
Your chronology is quite vague. The following questions are meant for you to answer to yourself. How recent was the drunken hookup, and did it happen before or after after the wedding? Before or after you and future husband became a couple? Were you still in “addiction” when the drunken hookup happened? How recently did you stop the addiction? Did you also share with your husband/bf the part about repeating the drunken hookup? How recently did you get married? How long were you two a couple before the wedding? The remark “the best sex I’ve ever had before was from average men” is suspect. Not “man”, which could be interpreted as your bf and future husband, but “men”. But you supposedly had just two men before you met your husband, and they were abusive. And the sentence reads “I’ve … had before” instead of “I’d … had before”. But the Reddit autoeditor might to blame for that one.
The other posters have nailed in on the insecurity front so I won’t go there. Your husband seems kind of immature and simple-minded, so here’s a simple analogy that might help: A person can enjoy both a hamburger and meatloaf. One is not better than the other. They are just different versions of the same thing. Just because you’ve enjoyed meatloaf a few times doesn’t mean you dislike hamburger or always want meatloaf. In fact, you’ve found that meatloaf takes work and can come out bad. Burgers, on the other hand are more reliably satisfying so that’s your preference.
He’s guilt tripping you love. I get that he may feel insecure because he sees that you might have enjoyed bigger penises at one point but if you’re openly telling him you enjoy him for him, then I think that should ease his worries. Especially if you’re showing him that you enjoy him. Communication is always key. + your feelings for him boosts the attraction you have towards him. He should feel honored to have someone who truly wants to be with him; is willing to do what they can to be with him. ♥️