I’ve been doing OLD on hinge for about 1 and a half years now and I’m beyond exhausted by the constant negging I get from men. Not only does it not work, it’s making me resentful of the dating process. I’ve been very careful to make it clear I’m looking for a relationship, I’m attracted to kindness, etc. but I’m still met with snarky comments from dudes on hinge about every other conversation. It’s making me very bitter and I don’t want to be. Dating should be fun!! Does negging actually work on/for anyone here?
46 comments
What do they say?
Is it actually all negging, or are you maybe misinterpreting playful banter?
A lot of men engage in playful banter with each other that can be seen as extremely rude behavior by outsiders. I regularly tell my best friend he’s fat, short, that i fucked him mom etc. He does the same with me and we both enjoy this playful bantering. A lot of men on dating apps have little experience interacting with women, and so they may try to talk to women as they talk to their male friends
There’s playful banter, and then there’s being an asshole. By your examples, these guys have no clue and sound like assholes.
Nah sounds like from your examples they just kinda suck lol
I think “negging” is supposed to come out of “teasing” which is supposed to be playful. And the person knows that you aren’t being serious. And it’s supposed to be reciprocal.
“Pick up artists” (blech, more like con artists) have stripped the negative comment out of its playful and reciprocal context, and convinced men that stupid shit works.
It blows my mind because the whole purpose of teasing is to make the other person laugh and have fun.
I think the dating world can be very toxic. Like you’re growing bitter, so many others are beyond that stage and take it out on perspective partners. None of this is ok of course. Sorry to hear you’re not having much luck finding someone who is excited by the dating process. Don’t give up some one special is out there!
What you’re describing in your other comments isn’t negging. You seem to expect some form of reverence from these guys. But you’re not Sarah from the bar with the nice voice and the cute laugh. You’re girl # 3,000,007 with an unremarkable paragraph on a dating app and you took two days to get back to someone or gave them a cold response for their transgression. So they don’t take you seriously, they let you know it, and they’re on to #3,000,008.
I dated a guy that did this to me once (I think the total was 3/4 dates) and I had to heal from him for MONTHS. It triggered my BDD, the things he said. I’m so glad I’m dating a normal bloke who is actually uplifting and thinks I’m beautiful.
No it’s not just playful banter. It’s a boundary for me!
I read your responses to comments in this thread. Have you ever considered just chatting over the phone or doing a video chat to get to know any of these guys, rather than just texting? Because a lot of things can be misconstrued over text.
Your examples don’t sound like negging.
Women swipe right to only top 5-10% men and wonder why these men don’t put much effort lmao
Negging works on young and/or insecure people pleasers, predators are gonna predator.
From your examples these guys are assholes. These comments white knighting for the rude dickheads are fun though, I’m sure that helps you feel less turned off by men lol
If you’re trying to have a conversation with someone and takes 2 days for them to respond, yeah I’d just unmatch you. Maybe you should focus on only the amount of people you can actually talk to at one time. Sounds like you just can’t manage it well. As for the dudes being rude or whatever. Just sounds like bad game and also you taking it personal.
I mean, my kink is praise, so it definitely doesn’t work on me! Nothing makes me dry quicker than negging.
Yeah I don’t think it works at all. Most of them think they’re being fun or flirtatious but that’s just a sign of what’s to come with the personality later. Don’t give up there’s plenty guys out there I would love to get to know you. You just have to weed out the s***** ones
Every time a woman posts her experience there’s always a brigade of responses attempting to invalidate that experience.
This negging shit is lame and y’all know it. It doesn’t matter if what OP is experiencing doesn’t seem like negging to you, you’re not the ones experiencing her exhaustion.
Learn how to flirt without making people feel like shit.
I’ve never heard of this term lol I had to Google it. I’m glad I’m not one of those types, but I recently dumped the dating sites.
I just straight block those guys. Sometimes it makes sense to switch dating apps.
I have been pleasantly surprised by Facebook dating. It’s the first free OLD forum I’ve found that allows unlimited communication and has plenty of local guys and relatively few catfish.
I know what these guys are TRYING to do because I do it all the time. They are trying to be light and flirty and playfully teadinh. They just can’t pull It off.
It takes a certain personality type to pull off light, flirty, and playful teasing.
It takes a combination of social skills, humor, and wit to pull off. And also feeling out the person you’re trying It with. Because what he thinks is flirty and playful may be a sore spot for her, so she won’t find it funny at all.
There’s always a line you never cross. Once you cross that line, it’s no longer playful or funny
Many guys don’t understand the difference between playful teasing and insults. Plus digital communication takes away all expression, body langue, tone of voice, etc. It then becomes harder to walk the line between being boring and being playful without stepping over into being a dick.
As a man, I’m sorry you’ve been negged for in cruel ways. There’s plenty of kind hearted men out there, many of us have been hurt by those we gave our hearts to and shy away from dating because we’re protecting what little bits of heart we have left.
We yearn to love and be loved.
Online dating isn’t the best if you want to find a man looking for a relationship.
You shouldn’t be dating men who use “negging” as a tactic.
There are plenty of good men who will not put down a woman in order to date her. In fact I can almost guarantee you actually know several. Date one of them.
Negging worked in the 90s when women didn’t know what it was. It’s a weak, petty, despicable “strategy” that only insecure narcissistic cowardly men use. Call their BS out to their face, that should get rid of them.
Neg them back!
Would love to hear examples
One of my match told me I had bad genetics. People are straight up mean out there.
Negging is so dumb. Relationships should boost each other, not tear one down so they feel honored to get affection when given.
This probably stems from a problem with guys. Instead of looking at how they can make themselves more desirable in the relationship to feel secure, they tear you down cause that is easier for them.
Don’t put up with it. And try not to let them get to you either. It’s not accurately representative of you and is a POS manipulative tactic.
Rant over. TLDR: no, negging doesn’t work. Those boys need some therapy, self love and empathy
It does.
Isn’t the point of dating someone you want ,is to make her feel good, and to know that you consider her special and above the rest? I guess I’m too old to understand this “ neg” crap. I certainly am not going to do it, nor waste my time on you if you want to highlight my “ defects”
No. That’s why so many of the guys on OLD are still single. If they were great catches, they would get snapped up right away.
Preach!
I hate negging, and as soon as I encounter it, I avoid that man like the plague. My love language is words of affirmation, so negging is the exact opposite of what I desire.
I always swipe left on people who specifically say “my love language is making fun of each other” because usually that just means they want to be a dick & say it was them joking. I won’t lie I get triggered AF about stuff like that. I don’t blame you for being exhausted. Playfully making fun of each other sometimes is different from constantly being an asshole.
Whoever thought that negging was a good idea? Where does it get them? As soon as they start on me it’s BLOCK.
Get off of dating apps
I think three things.
1.) Buzzwords suck. They are frequently reappropriated to mean things different than how they started. Woke. Ghosting. So I might not understand what you’re claiming. Is someone intentionally trying to lesson your self esteem so you’ll sleep with them or are they offering you criticism that you don’t want to acknowledge? Don’t know.
2.) We frequently get back what we put in. If you are attracting a lot of people ‘negging’ you, why? Are you just being approached by all these similar people, are you approaching a similar type of person yourself and getting this behavior? Are you perhaps being negative yourself to receive negativity back? It is comforting to think others are at fault, it is helpful to look within to where we may be at fault.
3.) Most women if they thought about it would like an assertive man, but most men and have been bludgeoned by society enough at this point we’re careful about being assertive with strangers. Given this a lot of women seem to have moved on to adults assholes, often competing for the same assholes, because at least their assertive. Maybe consider that you’re being attracted to assholes and then complaining about them being assholes.
Hope it gets better for you.
30F partnered – when I was 28, my coworker and I were both single and out at a bar with friends for the evening. This guy said he was in real estate and was 35 (he literally had the squarest jaw I have ever seen) and he wouldn’t leave us alone. He was almost cartoonish, I was trying to avoid him but my friend was tipsy and kept engaging in conversation.
When he asked our age, she said 28 – he told us we looked good for our age. I was hollering, what in the actual geriatric bullshit? I assumed this guy wanted to meet girls under 25 or something, despite being older himself.
28 isn’t old. Age is relative anyway, once your brain fully develops I feel like life experience kinda normalizes connections. Anyway, he was clearly trying to neg us – to make us feel “old” and not desirable but he, *he* saw our potential and was interested.
I got really tired of men negging, or trying to mansplain my job to me… Or even just shutting down when I talked about my degrees and international work experience.
*Cannot recommend negging, cannot condone anyone tolerating negging.*
Dudes need to stop listening to Mystery the Pickup Artist lmao
I’ve never had this done to me, but I would not put up with that BS! Those guys are manipulators, toxic, and control freaks! Imagine a lifetime with them? Oh, heck no!!!!
I guess so. I don’t do it, even had to look it up. And what I’m doing isn’t working. So, therefore, what I’m not doing must be more likely to succeed, yeah?
Lol I don’t know. And I don’t really care. That’s dumb of people to do. So, it sucks you experience that. Online dating as a whole is garbage now.
If it’s every other conversation, then half of them aren’t bad.
Perhaps it seems like so many guys do this because the guys that do this are often single – for a reason! Hence, the good guys meet women, get into relationships etc, and there’s an oversupply of guys who neg and think acting like an asshole will get them a date.
Follow your gut feeling. If a guy seems like an ass, you don’t owe it to him to see things through or give him a chance. Say byeeee and move on quickly.
Cut back on Hinge and go out into the world. I get that you want to a more direct line to dating, but nothing is better than an organic meeting. So make Hinge secondary. Especially that, let’s face it, most of the men you’re going to find online dating are guys that are socially awkward, just looking for sex, or lacking in some weird ways — that’s why many of them are online. That you’re not fitting into that culture is a good thing. Get out more. Make conversations with everyone. You don’t even have to do anything except be more open. I’m so positive that this will yield beautiful results for you.
I’m convinced that there’s no good dudes rn. I gave up lol
Well first off they didn’t read when swiping. Then they match. And the negging shows you that they are not looking for a relationship. Either they don’t think you are worth the effort. Or they understand that women may just sleep with assholes when horny, but tend to make men they want a relationship with wait. Because they want their respect or they want to set a tone of more effort from that man. But whatever the reason, negging is more likely to get a man a quick hookup. Don’t blame the men who kept track of the statistics of their dating tactics. Blame how women date and how they reward kindness (by weeks of no intimacy). Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.