I’ve been married for 10 years now. We have a 4 year old daughter. Early on things were pretty good. However there was always the sense that one small thing could boil things over quickly. Now 10 years in with about 15 years of dating, it doesn’t take much at all.
Just today we had swim lessons for my daughter at 5 pm. I work a second job (which is to support our family), which I normally start at 6. I called my boss and arranged to come in at 6:30 instead. Well we got there and unfortunately a kid took a dump in the pool, so they had to cancel her class. The only other lesson they had was at 6. My wife wanted to sign up, but I told her I already made arrangements to come in late to work so I can’t be any later. She immediately threw a tantrum, blowing up in my daughters swim place, saying I’m selfish and it’s all about work for me. Mind you I already rearranged my schedule.
The whole ride him was a fight. She went into bashing me and calling me a bad dad in front of my daughter, which happens routinely.
I do quite a bit for my wife. I cook, clean, do her laundry, run errands for her daily, work a lot to support her spending. I don’t want to work three jobs, but I do it because I love them. I want more for them. Then she calls me selfish and out for work only.
We recently purchased a very nice home and upgraded quite a bit from where we were. She hated our old house. I thought this would make her happier. She’s still as miserable as ever and says she hates being home.
As I sit and reflect this type of stuff has always happened. When things are good it is awesome. She can be a fun partner. When they are bad though it is like a tornado. Just makes me feel awful knowing I can never make my wife happy, even thought I try so hard. I don’t know how to overcome something like this or if we even can. I just think she’s always been a miserable person.
27 comments
Your wife is being abusive and I want better for you.
How does she treat your daughter?
Tell her to go work
Some people will never be happy.
She probably hates herself and is miserable from within so she’s taking it out on you. Or /and she has an abusive personality. I’d say she needs therapy but it would only help if she sees her behavior a problem and wants to be helped. Otherwise… it’s a sinking ship. Divorce, fight for custody…
>I do quite a bit for my wife. I cook, clean, do her laundry, run errands for her daily, work a lot to support her spending. I don’t want to work three jobs, but I do it because I love them. I want more for them.
I’m sure you do some of this out of love but it isn’t the real reason.
>We recently purchased a very nice home and upgraded quite a bit from where we were. She hated our old house. I thought this would make her happier. She’s still as miserable
There is the real reason. You think the more you do the more likely she is to be happy, the more likely you can have a healthy relationship, and more she is to start doing things to make you happy.
That isn’t the relationship you built my friend.
You have consistently rewarded negative behavior, it should be no wonder that it is consistently present in your relationship.
If your trying to train your dog to go to the bathroom outside you don’t give it a treat every time it pisses on the living room rug. But your wife has peed on the rug enough times to motivate you buying her a house.
Last thing is a question, if you had to work why were you ever going to the swim lessons?
Your wife sounds abusive. I’m sorry. You deserve better.
Does your wife work?
I don’t have any advice for you other than I can emphasize with what you are going through. I go through the same thing with my wife. I haven’t found a solution, she is unwilling to change for the better so that’s that. All the best, just know you are not alone.
Question: What does she do? I mean you’re working all those jobs AND housework and errands?!! Is her only job watching your child and bitching at you? Marriage is teamwork and I don’t see a team here?🤔. If I was you,I’d suggest counseling to see what her problem is because there are a lot of women who would love a hardworking man like you and appreciate him. Is she depressed ? Does she not realize how good she has it? Seeing as I’m a survivor of DV,she should consider herself very lucky if I do say so myself. Good luck. Please do something before you work yourself to death.
I am sorry this happened to you. Please remember you did not deserve any of her abuse. Her bad mood do not excuse her from being an adult- and you never deserve to be disrespected – especially in front of your kids. Her verbal spews are a projection of her on her she views HERSELF. You might be happier alone. Lol But seriously- you pull way too much (aka all) of tge responsibility.
Is this what want your daughter to aspire to? You know she’s watching and listening every minute. She thinks this is what a relationship looks like. Do better. Stop being a doormat. It’s worth it for both of you. Good luck.
You cook, clean, and do laundry because you are an adult and adults share housework.
Shit like this pisses me off. I wish all the reasonable people could find each other early in life. Based on what you wrote, hear me, you’re a GOOD MAN and GREAT FATHER.
I wish my husband cared enough about our family of 2 to consider taking a 2nd job. Hell, I wish he’d care enough to stop fucking up our family finances. Every time we ( I) tried to buy a house he’d wreck his credit score and run up secret debt. No lie, after I helped pay off a GAME STOP credit card he ran that shit up again behind my back. Didn’t find out about it until the mortgage lender ran our credit in person and asked about it. It was a slap in the face for mine to come back 795 and his 400s.
Sorry for the rant. I just get so upset when women abuse good men cause I desperately want the man I fell in love with to be one. I hope she learns to appreciate you.
Has she been diagnosed with mental health conditions? She sounds like me and I was recently diagnosed with BPD.
I am the most amazing person when I choose love but I am the most awful person when I split and see my partner as my enemy. I would consider couples therapy because that’s how I found out about my diagnosis.
Your wife sounds like a pretty ungrateful spouse
She sounds like she has an anger management problem. Can you get her into therapy? All of that behavior is what your daughter will do when she grows up. Better nip it in the bud now
This sounds like verbal abuse and extremely unhealthy for your daughter, she should never see you guys fight. You both deserve so much better, I’m sorry 🙁
I’m not understanding why she couldn’t bring your daughter to swim practice by herself. But obviously you have much bigger issues here.
What a brat. Verbal abuse is not acceptable in a relationship. Things happen and we don’t always get the results we want. That is no reason for anyone to be abusive. In the picture of life, one missed swim lesson doesn’t matter. Don’t sweat the small stuff is a great motto to follow.
Your job as a partner isn’t to make your wife happy. It isn’t to be her slave and give her everything she wants.
Your wife is abusive to you and has you convinced that YOU are responsible for her. You are not.
You need to take more/better care of your own mental health. You need therapy/counseling. If you can get lunchtime appointments at work with a therapist to help break out, it would be helpful.
>I do quite a bit for my wife. I cook, clean, do her laundry, run errands for her daily, work a lot to support her spending. I don’t want to work three jobs, but I do it because I love them. I want more for them. Then she calls me selfish and out for work only.
What does she do? Not to sound like “what does she bring to the table” buy what does she contribute in to the household and marriage? Emotionally, physically, and financially?
If your daughter was in a marriage where her husband treated her like your wife treats you, would you be happy?
Understand that your daughter is seeing how you are being treated and know that either she will turn out like your wife OR is very likely to marry someone like your wife if nothing changes.
Not to be negative or glim but that sounds about pretty normal for most relationships….either both change and try to maintain a good romantic passionate relationship or end it… it definitely takes work from both to keep it as such
It is not your role in life to secure her happiness. She has to take care of it herself, work on it and earn it, because personal happiness is internal, not external. If you just dump finished things and solutions into her lap, she will never learn what it takes to do everything you do for her and your family – your proof – moving into the new house and she still feels miserable.
Does she work at all? What are her obligations? If the only thing is caring take of your kid and making to-do lists for you, off course she is miserable. I have seen more than one marriage functioning like that, where one partner is ground to the bone and the other leans back and dumps all personal insecurities and frustration on the first one.
You are her husband and a father, not your wife’s personal assistant. I would suggest talking to a professional, before you get resentful and unhappy yourself.
This is absolutely an unfair relationship. You sound like you deserve way better
The reality is that you can’t make anyone be happy, other than yourself. Happiness is an internal thing. It’s about how you choose to see the world. Gratitude is actually the biggest factor to determine happiness. People who are grateful for what they have tend to be happier than people who don’t see the world through a lens of gratitude. You are trying to use external fixes, like new house, doing things for her, to fix something that only she can fix. She clearly has very little gratitude for all the things she has, which is sad.
She is probably very lonely too, my motto has always been. “Dont work your wife away”! I would rather spend 8 hours with my wife and have less stuff and thankfully she feels the same.
My husband doesn’t do 1/2 of what you do. Your wife is extremely unreasonable and spoiled.
There’s a book No More Mr Nice Guy. As a woman who has dated women, now married, this is the book that I advise to all my male friends especially the kind and overly loyal type of sincere doormat types. Not trying to be rude, I’m exactly like you. Women can be a dangerous and complicated species, you need to have some guidelines 😜 I’m not kidding my son will be forced to read this book. 😂