And I’m not talking about sex or having a girlfriend (too frequent a topic here although I understand why.) Folks don’t seem to even have time to or want to talk, let alone hang out or want to form bonds. Shared interests aren’t enough, availability isn’t enough, folks just seem so burnt out.
I went from a close and moderate sized social support group I felt pretty reliably would at the very least make plans and follow them through to just delays, flaking, and growing periods of silence in between communications. Attempts to form new relationships just die in infancy or don’t get very far. I really don’t think I’ve done anything to sabotage or undermine, I’ve always done everything I can to be good by people.
46 comments
Concentrate on yourself
Feeling lonely in a crowd is a major theme in poetry
We’re definitely a more withdrawn society these days.
I feel this post.
I had to stop myself from writing an essay here.
But in short, maybe all this constant “connection” through the internet is causing us to withdraw back into ourselves. We’re valuing our alone time even more? But it’s like a double edge sword.
It’s a confluence of factors. Younger generations have less income than the ones who came before, so they have to work more and really are burnt out. The 24-hour news cycle of negativity makes people seem less worth connecting with. Internet and technology lets people socialize without forming any real-life connections. All of this kinda chills the social climate.
Hard to tell whether this is something unique to you or you are experiencing a more general trend. I mean, there is a more general trend towards atomization, but hard to tell whether that is what is going on here or something more unique to you and your social group.
Big picture, people are socializing less in person than before because of technology, and I suspect COVID accelerated this trend.
Little picture, people do tend to go through different friend phases as they grow older. I’m in my mid 40’s, and my college friends drifted apart in my mid to late 20’s as we moved, got jobs, got married, etc… Then kids can also really put a damper on lots of friend contact. For me I held onto a core group of friends that is much smaller than what I had before.
All this to say that even if your situation is unique to you, it might not be anything you are doing as much as it’s you all traveling through different stages of life at different paces. I can tell you that it can get better. My kids are grown now, and what’s happened as they became more independent I’ve been meeting more with old friends as they get in the same boat.
I used to make fun of my dad’s “old guy breakfast club” that he did, but as I get older I’m starting to do the same with a few friends. Some are guys I have maintained contact with and done things with over the years, others are guys I barely knew 20 years ago but now have connected with. Some are people I’ve just met.
Still, no matter the age you have to make time for these things, and do it with guys who also are willing to make time to do it. It has to be deliberate, and you have to be flexible as guys will cancel/flake out/etc… depending on what is going on.
Social interactions have been commodified, at last. Social media has turned human connection into a game you can play, fueled primarily by dopamine. Several first world nations have begun to look into rising epidemics of loneliness, [such as the UK](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jo_Cox_Commission_on_Loneliness). The monumental disparity between ultra-rich and wage-slaving poor grew to even more astounding magnitudes during the pandemic, and it only seems to be accelerating. People are generally more resigned and certainly more mentally and physically depleted. The marriage between technology and capital is building a bridge into a new, strange dark age of spiritual destitution.
Offer people food.
Go to the store, buy a bunch of good ass cheapish party food. Make a small camp fire outback, and invite friends and their other friends.
Do this every weekend throughout the summer.
By the end of summer, I guarantee you won’t be lonely anymore.
cause we got bills to pay and being social costs time and money that could be going toward those bills
You’re singing a song I’ve been listening to regularly since the pandemic started. It’s hard and real and you’re normal for feeling it.
I don’t know why loneliness seems so omnipresent now. That’s beyond me. I know my life has gotten incrementally better as I’ve focused on things for me (i.e. fulfilling career, living where I want) while I’ve been lonely. My hope is that if I continue down this path, I’ll meet people along the way that have made the same choices and we’ll recognize that in one another and bond. That might be a fairytale, but it feels true, so that’s what I choose to pursue.
I hope you make some buddies. In the meantime, be a good buddy to yourself. You’re worth it.
I don’t know exactly how old you are so your experiences may differ, but I’ve noticed a few trends. I’m early 30s.
* The social gather size rules during covid really cemented groups in place. Gone are the days of get togethers where its open initiation. It has turned into explicit invite only, and the group is usually much smaller. This makes it harder to meet new people and develop friendships with people you only occasionally saw.
* Relationships that survived covid proved that the couple didn’t really need to hang out with other people as much, so they haven’t been. Most of my friends are in LTR and rarely want to do things.
* The large number of big life events like weddings and stags has drained people’s social battery for anything that isn’t a big event.
* Going two years without seeing some acquaintances has meant that I pretty much never see them, and don’t really have lines of communication open anymore.
* People advancing in life are just generally less inclined to do things as they get comfortable in their relationships and family.
you’re not alone brother, my friends do the same, no one wants to hangout on weekday nights, on weekends they’re usually with their gfs, i work from home get off and then just stay in my house.
Honestly the people ive been hanging around with most are girls i match with on Hinge cause at least they want to do things.
I don’t live, I merely exist
Sadly, the older I get, the less time everyone has, so most people just hang out with their spouse or something instead of their friends.
I feel you man. Idk why, I’ve been dealing with similar feelings lately. I live with my partner so at least I have her. Even still, the monotony can get to me. Most days after work, she plays the sims for hours while I exercise a little then we go to bed.
I used to think I had a close group of friends. I’m a musician so I mostly socialize through jamming. I had a band going and then all but the drummer quit because they had better people to play with. I haven’t seen them in months. I’ve been feeling bummed about that. I’ve not really been going out to open mics and stuff much anymore and keepna low profile. Feels bad man. I can only think of one person I could text to grab a beer or something and he lives way out of town and is really busy. Good guy but not always available. I guess I just wanted to vent lol.
I’ve always been extroverted and nobody has energy anymore. Even me. I still make my routine calls. But I gave up trying to make friends. Nobody trusts anyone either . It’s a shame. If people aren’t perfect , they go NC. Or drop them without explanation. It feels like an extension of highschool.
Lots of people I know are working several jobs just to survive. They’re exhausted on any day they do have off. The work life balance is trash nowadays.
Could be getting older. People get jobs, get married, have kids, buy houses, gotta do yard work, refinance the house, organize that insurance coverage. It gets harder. You have to make a concerted effort.
I’m married with no kids, all our friends have kids which makes scheduling for hangouts hard, but we do it.
I reached out to a best friend from college I hadn’t spoken to for years. I told him I was leaning on our friendship for support and that I was going through a rough time. We hung out once, he told me he loved me and that he would make more of an effort to hang out (because the effort was always coming from my side). After that, I haven’t heard from him again since.
The saddest part of this is that he lives less than 10 mins away from me. I’m not asking that he hang out with me every day, but it still surprises me that we can’t get together at least once a month or so considering how close we live.
I’ve given up at this point and I’ve learned to embrace the solitude.
Everyone’s struggling to survive we don’t have time, hit up everyone.
Seems like 80 to 90% of kids and teens are autistic or at least act like it
Well, this is actually just a consequence of growing up. You can blame the world, but realistically socialization is, by design, easily accessible to you when your school or college age.
As you grow up you need to apply effort to go out and meet people.
not to be the red neck boomer in a 19 year olds body but: its technology :[
i highly recommend Cal Newports “Digital Minimalism” book. it really demonstrates the human need for connection and technologies catastrophic consequences on daily social relationships.
to sum it up: we are connected/communicating more than ever but the quality of them are severely hindered. human brain is tightly webbed to process so much social cue(tone of voice, face, body language, mimics etc.). the screen is simply not enough. you need fuel your social battery as well for your well being.
plus we used to visit, call, hell, at least comment on our friends baby pics. but now we only like her insta post. believe me: THIS IS NOT WHAT HUMAN BRAIN HAS EVOLVED FOR.
to sum up, quality over quantity + less is more.
take care (‘nd call a loved one)
We can start from now if you want. Lets collect all dudes here and have some discord calls or play some MMOs together.
I’m juwt exhausted all the time, no energy after work and gym to do squat.
There’s not really a sense of community anymore. It’s still possible to make friends, but you must be open to a wider age range in adulthood.
Joining your local running or cycling club regularly and starting off with simple greetings builds up over time.
Dance classes for things like salsa, swing, tango, or country are great ways to make friends, just don’t be weird and try to get with the women you’re paired with.
Local political, volunteer and activist groups are a good way to get a monthly social activity in.
Recreational basketball and sports leagues are another way as you begin to see the same faces weekly.
The reason I said to be open to a wider age range, is because a lot of people in their 20s are either staying in, are out at bars and clubs, grinding in their careers, or are starting families. Retirees, empty nesters, older childfree, and people in their 30s and 40s rediscovering or finding hobbies make up the majority of the people in these groups.
Throughout most of my 20s I’ve always been on the younger side.
A book id recommend on the topic is Bowling alone by Putnam.
>And I’m not talking about sex or having a girlfriend (too frequent a topic here although I understand why.)
It’s scary the amount of men that think sex or a girlfriend will magically solve all their problems
>Folks don’t seem to even have time to or want to talk
Agreed. We are all so burnt out from the last few years that we don’t have the energy anymore
Sometimes I’ll get a message but it’ll take me over a day to reply because I don’t have enegery to create a proper response to their message
People already have freinds that they have a stable relationship with sometimes they don’t think they need anymore freinds or some people just don’t want to be bothered anymore due to social media and rapid rise in tech people are more focused being online and making freinds there than rather in generally atleast that’s my observation
Oh man, as a man who’s recently gone through divorce, I feel this. I’m a pariah, persona non grata. I must have this stench about me, because I can’t make friend or acquaintances. Good luck.
Where do you live and what do you do?
Those are two big factors
I don’t see this at all. Loneliness is a choice. While it’s true it’s harder to make friends as an adult, it’s not impossible. Get involved in causes you believe in and you will meet like minded people. Volunteer. Be a friend to have friends.
Because all we do is work, sit at home, and are broke. We can’t afford to meet new people or see old friends.
I’m getting into my thirties and it’s the same here. I just think as you grow it’s harder to maintain those bonds. It’s OK cause you’ll be left with the really real ones…or atleast I hope.
I like to think that things are different in other countries but I know what you mean
I noticed a long time ago that my dad really worked about 4 hours a day before personal computers (in the 1970’s). He did lots of civic and church activities. I worked 14 hours yesterday 7:30am to 9:30pm. Took about 30 minutes for lunch. My wife brought dinner to me. If you are working like I am, it’s lonely! I make a really good wage, but they work my ass off. My company requires I bill 40 hours a week, the customer expects more like 50 hours a week, then the company wants about 5-10 a week for admin and training.
I’m want to change this. Gaming groups, real social games not CoD on a computer. Truth or dare, poker night, stuff like that.
“don’t talk to me at the gym/I’m at work to work not be your friend/leave me alone if I’m in public/I go to gay bars so guys don’t talk to me/I hate when my friends hit on me/the best Ubers don’t talk/datings become too hard I’ll just pay for sex/use porn/I wear headphones everyone so I’m left alone/I loved lockdown cuz I hate people”. Being introverted became quirky and respecting people by assuming their introversion and leaving them alone became manners. Dating got harder, rules got blurred and guys just don’t even know how to do it anymore it’s just gotten harder. Women see online stories about men and naturally draw back from them. Overall you interact less
Reddit loves to spout “I don’t owe you anything leave everyone alone” then wonders why the only way to date or make friends is online and why everyone’s lonely. There is no way to ask someone out that won’t potentially upset them. There is no way to casually see someone and pick up being friends without someone feeling irked.
As the saying goes “you made your bed now lie in it” everyone wanted the internet to replace all these interactions and now we realize the internet can’t replace them
I honestly feel that my social circles go in waves… Sometimes I’m super extroverted, and sometimes there’s nobody really there to be extroverted with. If you don’t like your situation, I can guarantee you that there are other people on their ups, cycle of being extroverted, just go out and find them.
Social media
I’m seeing a lot of negativity in this thread so just to offer some optimism 26 may feel like you’re getting up there but it’s still very young. Just keep plugging away at it. It’s a numbers game eventually you’ll find your crowd.
Sounds like you’re doing everything you need to to put yourself out there so just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll come. People still want to connect you just have to find your People. Good luck buddy.
The misandry epidemic is getting worse, as is the number of gender traitors piling on because they were successfully shamed into hating their own masculinity
I don’t know, but the pandemic really did a number on my social life.
well, look at whats happened in the last few years. Who would want to bother with humanity? ya’ll suck to be honest.
It’s especially bad in the US. I went to Mexico, went to a random bar and talked to the person next to me (i speak Spanish). They invited me into their group, introduced me to their friends, and brought me to the club with them haha.
They made sure I got home safe and hit me up to hang out. American culture sucks and I want to move soon if I can
What are you talking about? I wish I had more time to myself. It sounds like you
should be posing these questions to a professional vs reddit.
I literally have coworkers I hang out with after hours, it’s not hard to meet people and be social these days you just have to put yourself out there and take risks.