So I (26/M) have been with my gf (27/F) for a year and a half now. The other day we were playing stardew valley, and everything was going good. We share money in the game, and she randomly asked “what would you do if I spent all our money right now.” Being just a game I said go right ahead, and she asked “Well, what would you do if I did that in real life?” I asked her to expand on that, and she phrased the question like this. She said; “if we are married, what would you do if I spent all of our money, down to $0 on something for the both of us, without consulting you first.”
I was honest and told her I would probably divorce her, to which she was shocked. She asked if I’d even talk to her about it or try to reason with her first, and I told her if she would make a massive decision on something that would affect both of us like that, that’s not someone I would want to be with. She obviously didn’t like that answer and it’s kind of been left how it is.
Obviously this was a hypothetical but it’s honestly kind of raising red flags for me. We don’t share any accounts right now, but we have different views on how we see finances. I want to bring it up to her again but I could use some advice on how to go about that, or on what else I could dive into because this honestly kid of worries me.
TLDR; gf asked what I’d do if she spent all our money without consulting me, I said divorce, she didn’t like that, raised red flags for me
23 comments
This is stupid and she’s too old to be playing these childish games. If she’s mad, let her be mad and tell her you’re ready to have an adult conversation when she’s ready.
If you two were married and she made a unilateral decision to spend all of your money on anything without consulting you, that’s a major issue. I don’t know if it’s divorce worthy, but I would certainly have completely separate finances after that. Being married takes maturity and there’s nothing mature about blowing all the money, no matter what it’s for, without it being a joint decision.
You’re right to consider this a red flag.
*I was honest and told her I would probably divorce her, to which she was shocked.* ***She asked if I’d even talk to her about it or try to reason with her first***
Why? She wouldn’t talk to you about her purchase or try to reason with you first if she – hypothetically – bankrupted the 2 of you.
Your GF is a tad too old to act this way. I’m not one to marry but my answer would be exactly the same as yours.
My advice is to really sit down and iron out your different views on finances. Both on the stupid hypothetical she gave you and overall. I believe that planning a future with someone is fundamentally unromantic. It’s about pragmatic decisions about money, job, chores, geography and real estate. I couldn’t plan a life with someone without making sure we’re aligned on the essentials.
It’s time to look at the practicalities of marriage and finances are one of the very top spots. It sounds like you two aren’t on the same page there and unless you can both get on the same page about what reasonable spending with shared finances look like then it’s going to cause a lot of difficulties in a marriage. It’s one of the top reasons couples fight
Your gf is too old for these childish games and hypothetical tests. Finances are always one of the top reasons people divorce. I don’t think you’re wrong to be apprehensive at all. She baited you with that question and you answered honestly. Her upset response was very telling.
i hâte playing mind game but i feel like she is acting like a child. obviously what she is suggesting was outrageous … but like she is testing out the water to see your reaction and she didn’t expect an extreme one?
i mean, i am with you. if someone, even my wife, robbed of me of all of my money, i would take it as a betrayal and divorce her too. and i would expect the same if i did it to her, hence why i would never do it.
i would wait till she comes to you and you guys need a serious heart to heart talk about future finance. you guys are grown adults now.
Might be time to have a serious discussion about finances in your relationship if you plan to stay together long term.
As someone else pointed out she is being highly unfair with her point of view since in this hypothetical she wouldn’t even put the effort to discuss until after the fact. The only case where she would win this discussion is if she’s having a gun to her head or some other life, death situation.
Stay strong on your boundaries! You’re response to that hypothetical situation was very realistic. Don’t apologize, she has to respect you and your boundaries concerning money issues.
I see another issue. You are married, they do something massive, and your reaction is to divorce. She may have hoped you say, “I would be mad and we would have a serious problem to address”…. versus just divorcing, no discussion.
The fact that she legitimately was taken back by this…might be a flag already
Not a red flag but…be mindful now
Based on past experience, I would have this conversation out with her, get her to explain exactly why she thinks she’s entitled to do that. See if you can divine if she’s thoughtful, just bad with finances (this is something that most people can learn to work on), or if she’s just inherently selfish and entitled (much, much harder for a person to change this element of their personality).
For fun, you could add your own hypothetical to see how she reacts: “What would you do if we kept separate finances?”
Have her read all the pennyhoarder articles where a spouse felt betrayed, horrified, fearful, etc. because the other hid enormous debt or made big purchases without conversing with their partner – they probably help articulate your reasoning for divorce better and it sounds like she needs the education.
She sounds like the love conquers all type and is likely offended by that alone. It’s a naive philosophy for sure
“Fuck around and find out.” Also would have been an appropriate answer to her question.
She basically asked “What if I did something disrespectful to our partnership that would greatly impact the both of us in an irreversible way?”
And you gave an honest answer.
And she is shocked.
Think about that.
>we have different views on how we see finances.
What the fuck is her view on finances?
“Paying your bills is optional”?
Hypothetical question : what would you do if I fuck your sister on the kitchen table while you are at work ?
Wouldn’t you try to reason me ,?
Get a prenup my guy
If a partner asks you something like this in the future, don’t answer. Ask them *why* they’re asking you that, but ask in a way that shows you just want to understand. Don’t make it sound negative and judgmental.
It was a dumb question, but it could have been one of those “what would you do if x happened” to understand you better. Maybe not. There’s no real way of knowing at this point, but the fact is that sometimes people ask random questions about everyday life and wild scenarios that are not sinister, but simply inquisitive.
I worry about her saying she is taking birth control and not being honest about it and you falling into a trap.
A child with this woman trumps any 7 year bankruptcy on finances then anyone could ever play.
Honestly, red flags all around. Her even asking this is extremely childish. If you were married she definitely should not make a unilateral decision without consulting you first. That’s just Marriage 101.
However – you jumping straight to divorce without even the thought of discussion is also concerning for her.
I mean, this whole hypothetical scenario is beyond asinine, but here you are.
I can never understand why people play ridiculous games like this! I equate it to the same level as, ‘do I look fat in these jeans?’ Just no! Wtf! She needs to grow up and stop trying to cause a shit fight for no reason!
The red flag isn’t the money; the red flag is the game playing and then having a tantrum!
Spending all the money without consulting your partner first is, understandably, a huge reason for concern. Why wouldn’t she consult you first?
Ask why: fi she expects you to be the adult and be reasonable AFTER THE FACT, why she cannot be the adult and be reasonable BEFORE THE FACT?