I always try and be nice to anyone and everyone. I always try and be there others need someone. I always do my best to cheer someone up, and I always try and include everyone. Though I never get that back. I’m always left behind, I’m shut down when I want to be included, I’m forgotten, when people insult me or get angry at me I apologize and try and make it right instead of trying to defend myself or insult them back. Maybe I’m too weak and others take advantage of that. It feels impossible to make friends and keep them because something bad always happens and it must be my own fault. I don’t know what else to do when I feel like I’m doing the absolute most I can. I’m scared to try and make friends now and I want to give up because everyone ends up hurting me.

29 comments

  1. It’s better to have an edge.

    An element of “I have important shit to do and you’re welcome to be a part of it, but I’m on a mission…”

    Nice is a low bar – anyone can be nice or fake it. And it is important for society, but it’s a passive trait really.

    You need active traits like aggressiveness/assertiveness, passion, confidence, decisiveness, etc.

    Go on wild adventures and add depth to your personality.

  2. Stop being too accommodating, just be a decent human being. The feeling of “unfairness” which causes you to feel hurt usually stems from being too nice. Try to focus on yourself every once in a while.

  3. You can’t trade “nice” for anything else of value. “Nice” is a default attribute like breathing and table manners. If all you bring is “nice,” then people will accept your favors but they may not accept “you,” because all they perceive you as is Nice.

  4. No idea how old are you,,,, but if I can go back in time I would be an aggressive sadistic person!

    I’m doing my best to be an evil aggressive selfish but it’s not easy.

  5. The feeling of unfairness probably stems from the empathy that makes you want to be so helpful. I think others don’t think other people even think about this.

    I’m much the same but I stopped self sacrificing because at some point I didn’t have anything left for the people that REALLY mattered. Now I try to focus more on bonding with people and THEN helping them if necessary. It broadens my friend circle slowly, and I take joy out of having many people that enjoy being around me. Not all great friends obviously but still. Idk if this is very helpful, but I hope it gives you some insight in someone having the same problems.

  6. The meek will inherit the earth, after everyone else is finished with it.

    You’re learning the hard way that people value things which come at a price. If you give things freely then people will treat you as worthless. You need to value yourself, your skills and your time and decide when to bestow those on others and what you expect in return. That doesn’t mean be entirely transactional, but don’t be a doormat.

    People who insult you may be doing so as a test to establish social status. If you always apologize, you’re going to be right at the bottom.

  7. You’re people pleasing, not nice, not kind.
    “Nice” has become a blurry concept, pointing at behaviors ranging between ‘Pleasant’ and ‘Errand person’, and it’s becoming complicated to identify the flavor.

    Focus on being kind instead. Be kind to yourself by setting boundaries and learning to say ‘no’ without justifying yourself (‘I can’t’, ‘I don’t like it’, ‘I have other plans’), and kind to others by practicing sympathy and empathy.

    For starters, the ultimate kindness to yourself is to understand that you’re enough for you, and that you don’t need to stand by people who hurt you. Being alone is okay if you like, respect and care for yourself.

  9. There is nothing wrong with being nice, but you are being nice for the wrong reasons and probably being nice to the wrong people

  10. I have faced the same problem even my best friend have the same problem being nice and nothing in return.

    lets start by saying being nice is good but not anyone deserves it, You need to classify who worth it and who is not, and if you expect you can make friends by just being nice, this is completely wrong because people will take advantage of you, I am not saying to be aggressive, but be nice without putting expectations that they will return it back.

    Strong friendships that you will be happy to have is usually by actions not words because everyone can be nice with words because it cost nothing, another thing be the initiator of the invitation when you hang out don’t expect to be invited, but the most important thing that you need to know who deserves it and thats will be gained with experience and of course you will have ups and downs.

  11. >Being too nice ends up hurting me

    Yes, yes it will. Giving everyone else everything they want all of the time doesn’t make for healthy relationships. They’ll just learn that they can take anything they want from you and will start to see you asking for anything in return as unreasonable.

    It’s more important to establish healthy boundaries and stick to them. Yes, do something for someone if it’s within your power and within your reasonable boundaries but don’t go out of your way to cheer people up or include them if it’s clear that you’re not getting that energy back. Don’t apologize to people after they insult you. Don’t always assume that things are your fault and that you’re the one with ground to give.

    Behaviors like this tend to stem from low self esteem. You believe that everyone’s feelings are more important than your own so you always prioritize their feelings over yours and try to make sure that other people are happy. Work on your underlying self-worth and this will all get much easier.

  13. I know how you feel. Im always super nice and there for everyone, but Im never included, im always forgotten about and no matter what I do I cant keep friends. It sucks. Im here for you, if you ever want to talk DM me.

  15. You don’t have to be mean but you do need to have healthy boundaries. Only toxic people like to form friendships with people without boundaries. Try thinking more about what you need out of friendships and work from there. The people who still want to be friends will actually be worth being friends with.

  17. Set expectations. People won’t treat you as you treat them, but as they’d think you like to be treated. If you are always people pleasing, they are going to assume that you enjoy pleasing people and don’t really need that much attention yourself.

    Set boundaries. When someone insults u, you are in your right to get angry and defend yourself. You don’t need to be aggressive, but stabilising clear boundaries is always helpful.

    Learn what YOU want. Stop trying to guess what other people want from you to make friends. It is their responsibility to communicate that, and anyway no one who is not a narcissist asshole will enjoy having someone pleasing them all the time. Look inside, learn what YOU want, and look for that in other people.

    I learned this after months of therapy, so I just saved u a couple thousand $ lol

  18. Be nice for yourself, think of it as this is the kind of person I want to be. And you only be as nice of a person as you want to be. If being taken advantage is what you like to be because you feel like others need that advantage, then that’s fine. If you’d rather not listen to other people’s problems when you’re stressed out, don’t.
    Pushing yourself to be someone you don’t want to be is only going to burn you out. I think others can also sense it when you’re ‘trying too hard’, and it makes them uncomfortable.

    You shouldn’t do things expecting certain things in return, in this case, not being left behind. Because you don’t know what’s going to happen. Expecting something is like a gamble or even entitlement. You probably won’t get what you want in return.

    So you need to change your mindset on how to make friends. Start small, try to be yourself unapologetically, and you’ll come to love your own company. When you’re comfortable with yourself, people will start to feel comfortable around you.

  20. Grow a spine man. Set boundaries. Being a doormat (inclusive) is what hurts you. Be the kind man. You’re appropriate with people, but if someone steps over the line, step away or call them out.

    Be the warrior in a garden than the gardener in a war.

  21. Keanu Reeves once said ” I hate being in a world where being kind is a weakness ”

    Having said that, we be kind and do good things not because we get something back, but because it’s the right thing to do right?

    But if you defend someone else who is being insulted or being mistreated, you must also do it for yourself. Do not lose hope, there are good people everywhere, they are rare but they are there.

    But you have to be strong and firm at times. Which does not mean, being arrogant or unkind. Help people who need help rather than people who are too lazy for their work and are looking for ways to get out of things.

    Thank you for being kind and good, the world needs more people like you.

  22. First of all, thanks for being really open to liking other people. It’s a nice change from the cynical side eye many people give to strangers.

    Maybe try being courteous instead of nice and leave enough room around you for people to come to you. (It’s hard to pet a dog when it’s jumping all over you. That might be what some people are experiencing energy wise.)

    Change your methods and don’t give up.

  23. I feel like I wrote this.

    I cut so many toxic people out of my life this past year and it feels like the best thing to do for me. It hurts, but I feel like I put a stop to the hurt because they can’t hurt me anymore, like the only way to win is not to play.

  25. Same here, and when i try to defend myself they see it as me coming across agressive, rude and people get ofended!

  26. Me too. But we end up getting walked over and lose in the end to more confident people.

    I can’t stop being the genuinely nice person I am but I am learning how to not give a damn about others and how they perceive me. It’s not easy because I have always cared too much about others, but at a certain point you realize that you are valuable too

  27. “The worst part about doing everything right is that you make yourself invisible”

    I love this quote, it reminds me of my girlfriend, she’s very consistent, disciplined, and naturally draw to doing the responsible thing.

    But, this often leads to her being forgotten, or a bit of an after thought.

    This hurts her cause she’ll be like “nobody will checks in on me” so I have to remember to randomly ask her if she’s good or not because I often forget to check in.

    I think you can acknowledge this, it’s a part of your charisma to be like what you explained, but it is your responsibility to remind people and yourself of what you expect or need from them

  29. Its impossible to get along with everybody. You could do everything that’s supposedly right and you’ll still have ppl who don’t like you.

    Just be authentic. You’ll get bad vibes from the ppl you’re not suppose to be around. Your real friends will accept you the way you are.

    Don’t change who you are, just find ppl who value the same things you do.

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