well after seeing a therapist for awhile and getting on the right meds, it turns out, I actually wasn’t (or shouldn’t have been) seeking a partner or a hookup!
I was just using dating apps, dating, and hookups as a way to get validation and ignore my real feelings and issues. And it turns out what I thought was loneliness was really just a lot of past trauma that I didn’t figure out.
I wasn’t a serial dater because I couldn’t find the “right one.” I simply wasn’t the right one for anyone, not even myself. Completely emotionally unavailable, although I would swear up and down that I was ready and craving a relationship.
And now that I’ve figured all this out, I don’t even feel the need to entertain people on apps or at the bars etc.
My urge to fulfill my self destructive tendencies of sex, partying, drinking, and convincing myself that i’m in love with people I don’t even know, has ceased. Doesn’t even sound like fun anymore. I would rather stay in with my self and my thoughts, then try to drown those things out with what I told myself was “love at first sight” but was really just mutual using. I was using for the feeling of lust being mistaken for love, and they were using for a hole that was GGG.
I’m sure people will call me shitty for this, but reaching this level of self-awareness, especially when I’ve centered so much of my self-worth and time on dating has been life changing.
And maybe just reading this could help someone else too 🙂