Hey reddit 👋
My partner (26M) and I (27F) have been shopping for a house over the last 5 months, we have been together for just over 2 years.
We have a real estate agent, mortgage broker and bank onboard, we have told many friends and colleagues about our excitement in doing this.
We were very fortunate to find a home that we both loved and were looking at putting an offer down, however when it came time to do so he got cold feet and has decided it’s not a good time for us to buy, for the reason he feels we need to build the foundation of our relationship more, and that we shouldn’t be buying a house only 2 years into our relationship.
This hurt, I thought we had a great relationship that was strong. In my mind I had been building our life in this home for the last month or so, even before that the journey to becoming home owners was such an exciting prospect. It feels like so much time has been wasted and so much work has been done for nothing. I can’t help but feel resentment, I can’t trust the next time we go to do something big the same thing won’t happen, how will I ever know if he’s going to feel 100% about this, he doesn’t even know.
Has anyone been through something like this before? Is it salvageable am I being dramatic? I want this relationship to last, how do I forgive him?
Sorry this feels super brief, happy to provide more context if needed.
38 comments
It’s absolutely insane to me to buy a house with someone you’re not married to.
If you’ve been looking at houses for five months and you’ve been together for two years, you started looking for a house after being together a year and a half which, yes, seems too soon to me. But honestly, the real crazy part is committing to a 30-year mortgage with someone you’re not even engaged to
I agree with your BF. It’s far too early in your relationship to be buying a house together.
Your partner is right. 2 years is a short time to be making serious joint financial decisions. What are you doing buying a house with a partner you are not married to?
… life can be full of unexpected surprises. maybe he got layoff? or maybe he lost a lot of money in the stock market? or maybe you guys didn’t think it through properly. owning a house is actually quite expensive with all the maintenances, properties taxes, etc.
why are you in such a hurry anyway? i don’t understand the rush. you guys are not even married. if you guys break up, no laws will protect neither of you. i’ll say it. owning a home as a couple before marriage is stupid.
He is right that you shouldn’t buy a house together this early. (Did the two of you talk at all about what would happen with the house if you broke up?)
He isn’t right to only bring this up at the last minute. All your feelings are valid. You should talk to him about how you’re feeling.
I’m not weighing in on the timeline- I just want to say that I would feel badly too. It would have been a lot less upsetting If he expressed his reservations earlier. I’m sure it felt super dissapointing when you were so excited. I’m sorry OP.
2 years is a bit short to think of buying a house, that’s just my take. I do agree that your partner should have spoken up before hand, but still I agree, 2 years is way too soon
I would buy your own place and continue to move forward with your life. If he is still by your side great, if not move on. I wasted my early 20’s and bought a house and did all that. Ended up back at my dads and broke. I’m in my mid-thirties and married now but I wish I bought my own place and did my own thing and not worried about my boyfriend.
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He probably feels like he’s being railroaded and the relationship isn’t progressing organically.
Christ do not buy a house with someone unless you are married/civil partnered in someway. Unless you know how to split it upon break up. Also yeah buying a house after 2 years together seems very rash.
Buying a house together should come after you’ve both committed to living together for 20+ years. This commitment can come at 2 years for some couples, but it’s really up to you two – not the calendar.
Have you made those promises to each other and now he’s reneging?
Or had you assumed you were both there without necessarily having all the discussions (hearing each other’s sides fully) and now you’re feeling blindsided?
I can’t say i blame him. It’s very early, imo.
You just have to accept this or leave.
Absolutely ridiculous to buy a house with someone you’re not married to. He did the right thing and your resentment is completely unfounded. If you want a house, buy it yourself.
I would never recommend buying a home with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Did you discuss what would happen to the house if you break up?
I’m surprised at these comments; marriage is no longer a metric for longevity in a relationship. I know people who have gotten divorced after only a few months. I also know people who never plan to get married and have been together for years. Also regarding how to split the house if you breakup–it’s generally the same as if you were married. Marriage isn’t the issue here.
Your boyfriend feeling it’s too soon is his right, and two years in might feel quick to him. It’s unfortunate he let you get so far in the process but it’s possible he wasn’t confronted with his feelings until it was more “real.” I hope you two can resolve this and I hope you are able to buy the right house at the right time 💙
I wouldn’t even buy a joint pet with a partner after only 2 years, let alone a house.
You’re essentially getting married. But without spending on a wedding , you’re spending on foundations for a marriage.
Do you see both of you getting engaged?
I am so confused by these answers. Maybe this is a cultural thing or something.
You **can** buy a house with someone you are not married to. Have separate mortgages for both of you, and purchase and own the house 50/50. This comes with the added benefit that payments are adding for your wealth rather than simply disappearing towards rent payments. If you break up, you sell the house and move away. People do it literally all the time. You do not need to commit for life to buy a house.
I know many couples who have done it. Is this really just an absurd concept in the US for some reason? Why?
What it comes to being too soon, many people are getting engaged, married or having children at the two year mark. I don’t think it’s obviously too early to buy a house at that point. Yes people proceed at different paces and your pace is fine. But a house is hardly an unreasonable commitment.
To the actual question you asked OP: I suggest you talk to him about why he changed his mind. Express your fears and give him a chance to put them to rest. Maybe this is a once-in-a-lifetime event that will never reoccur. Maybe there are warning signs, maybe you didn’t quite listen when he tried to express his fears or he didn’t express them right, and just learning to communicate will assure there will be no surprises in the future. Maybe there are more deep-rooted issues in the relationship that he hasn’t quite put to words yet and those need to be discussed instead.
It’s worth a shot.
Yall aren’t even married, of course yall shouldn’t buy a house together.
Just continue renting and evolving your relationship. Why don’t you tell him you are anxious and resentful? The fact that you are making a reddit post about it and not communicating it to your partner means you are not ready to buy a house together.
I’m with your bf
I agree that he shouldn’t have let this gone so far but that timeline is risky. Instead of focusing on resentment, take the more constructive approach. Have a conversation and define what is the strong foundation for the both of you, what are your long term goals and what are the current pain points of the relationship.
He is absolutely right, it is INSANE to buy a house with someone that you’re not married to after 2 years of dating.
Logistically of you do go through with buying a house together under these circumstances you both need legal contractual protections about what happens if you break up. How is equity split, will each of you get back what you put in, are you splitting ongoing costs 50/50 or something different? I know it’s not romantic to think about problems in the future but it’s critical for both of you to be protected. Not to mention to save a potential boat load of extra stress and drama in the future.
He is right to feel this way. It’s not a good idea to buy a home together when you’re not even married. A lot of couples do this and majority of them end up regretting it. Secure your relationship as a married couple first. A 2 year relationship is nothing big.
He is likely realizing that he needs to decide whether he is ready to make a lifetime commitment to you before being financially tied with a house.
This is something that *should* be discussed and agreed on well before you get a mortgage together.
And if you both don’t believe in marriage you need to have the tough conversations about what happens to the house if and when you break up.
Sorry OP, I think your boyfriend is being rational putting the breaks on until this is sorted.
Naw he’s right and you are out to lunch. You talk about buying a house on here, and say nothing of your finances? seems weird.
Two years is not long enough to know.
And because he decides he wants out, you are like questioning everything?
that proves he is right,
*”am I being dramatic?”*
You are being so dramatic, are both of your parents drama teachers and you were raised in a theater of the arts in a small mid western town? at a community center that only plays Joseph and the Amazing technicolor dream coat. And the coat is a bath robe covered in glitter, and your dad is always the lead?
Here’s the thing a mature adult knows. When A big decision is made both partners have to say yes, otherwise its a no.
like getting a dog, going on a vacation, having a kid, having a threesome, buying a horse, buying a house.
He made the right call, you are too immature for a house. Maybe start with a tent.
Him changing his mind, makes you question everything? humans are allowed to change their minds, he was right all along if something so small makes you question everything.
grow up.
Your bf is 100% correct you should not be buying a house right now. Also fyi it took my parents 2.5 years of house shopping until they finally found the one.
Two years in sure IS early.
Not being married may be another point that makes him feel uneasy.
And: currently a bank has gone bankrupt. He may be afraid of economics and the investment market, as verly likely you would have to finance.
Which, to a certain point, is a game of hasards. It requires to always be able to pay back the loan taken. And hardly leaves space for being unemployee or other issues.
Many people are currently struggling to keep their houses. Many have lost theirs in the US when the last finacial bubble blew up.
Over in Europe interest keep going up so that house loans to really get expensive and need a very stable situation.
Who knows if bf hasn’t done you a favor instead.
I would never buy a house and be financially tied to someone I was only dating 2 years. Biggest mistake co mingle assets. Sorry I agree with his concern
Financially it can be a nightmare buying property with someone you’re not married to, and I caution against it. It’s messy and makes a breakup 10x more complicated
NTA. But committing to a house is basically committing to marriage or a long-term commitment. Are you at that place in your relationship? If your future plans include wanting to get married (and I get not everyone wants that), why would you buy a house before getting engaged.
He is right to think long and hard about it but not right to string you along right up to then. But it might be a good time to ask if you are more invested in the relationship than he is or does he just think it’s too soon.
Buying a house together after only being together for two years is not smart. You need to take a step back and realize that he is doing the right thing.
I understand why you’d feel hurt about this. It’s a disappointing situation. I can see why your bf might feel the way he does too. Two years feels soon to be making a 30 year financial commitment together. This doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t strong and wonderful and it doesn’t mean it won’t last either.
I think this is one of those situation where you need to wait and believe that better things are down the road.
If you really want to buy a house, you can buy one yourself. My husband and I had been dating almost a year when my rent increased 50%. I realized that I could own a home for less than what I was paying in rent and I’d had the money saved for a down payment anyway so I bought a house and my (now) spouse, (then) bf moved in.
If you can afford it, buy the house yourself. Solely in your name. You cover the down payment, and the mortgage payment / bills get split between you two. That’s what I did with my ex. Lemme tell you, if we both owned the house together, it would have made the break up much more difficult.
He is absolutely right.
Have you had meaningful conversation about both of your future? Marriage, Finance, Politics, Religion, Children, Family, Careers, Home Ownership etc… It seems like you’ve started but haven’t finished them.
>how will I ever know if he’s going to feel 100% about this, he doesn’t even know.
He may have some issues he needs to address before looking into buying a house or a huge life commitment
Do NOT buy a house with someone you are not married to.
I know too many people whose credit scores were ruined by a partner who failed to pay the mortgage payments after they split up.
Buying a house should be taken as seriously as deciding to get married.
Your bf did you a favor. Not saying you have to break up over this. But take some time to think and talk about your future together.