A little back story. About 2 weeks ago my wife’s ex sent her a message saying he missed their friendship and basically took an emotional dump on her. We had a big fight, which ended productively with each of us taking away some things we needed to do differently.
Last night I decided that this weekend we would all have a paint night. I pull open her art drawer and there is her wedding album from her past marriage and an album from their Disney trip. They definitely were not there a month ago, they were packed away. Should I be concerned?
Edit to explain fight: I reacted poorly initially, and told her I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wanted a close friendship with their ex. I asked her to set clear boundaries with him, communicate them to me and him. Keep the relationship between them friendly but about the kids. She felt like I was being controlling and had a come apart.
Edit 2: We have had fights in the past about her pictures with her ex, but they were posted in the kids rooms. I still don’t like it, but it is their parents. I’m more concerned that these were packed away and she has gotten them out, and seemingly tried to hide them.
23 comments
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I don’t blame you at all for being upset. On the one hand, who here hasn’t had a fight with a partner and thought about an ex. This isn’t a problem; this is just reality.
My wife and I have been married 20+ years and I think she still has her wedding photos from her first marriage. I can understand her not wanting to completely erase a former husband from her life like that. (I have one photo I’ve kept of a long-term girlfriend).
I would focus on the relationship and not read too much into it. When you are done talking through the actual fight, you could gently bring it up and let her know that it worried you a bit. Hopefully she’ll get your point of view and you can figure out where in her life these photo albums actually belong.
We don’t know your life so that question means nothing to anyone one the internet. Are you confident? I am. I respect that my wife has had a life before me. And it’s ok if she had good times and memories before me. She says she committed to me and I believe and trust her. Finding a picture of the past doesn’t destroy the future. I’d be more concerned about the communication level you two have rather than some old pictures. And the first clue is you running to the internet asking everyone how you should feel. Schedule an appointment with a couple therapist. That’s about the only advice worth talking off the internet.
You don’t trust your wife to know herself and respect you enough to know where and how to set her own boundaries with an ex she is co-parenting with?
Screw boundaries. Do not communicate and that’s that.
You have every right to have that say AFTER what you found
I’m concerned that you have fought over and continue to be irritated by the children having pictures of their father and parents in their own bedrooms.
You fought over her kids having pictures of their DAD???
honestly can you be a worse step dad???
Your wife and children have a past. Being a jealous individual is going to make your wife RUN back to her ex.
People got lost when you mentioned pics in the kid’s room.
Commenters – she was viewing and reminiscing THEIR WEDDING ALBUM. On what planet is that ok??
Im not sure I could ever be happily married to someone that was previously “happily married”. There is too many experiences you will never be able to have with just you and them. And definitely probably nothing in the bedroom that they haven’t already done. Im sure ill get a bunch downvotes but this is just my singular opinion and we all know what opinions are like.
Your wife shouldn’t be talking to her ex at all ever period. That wedding book would instantly disappear if it was me.
Op, sorry your upset about this. I feel its normal. We all have pasts that can intrude into our nows.
I think the concern for you both to talk calmly about is, why now? Why has she suddenly unpacked these pictures? What does she gain from this? What do the 2 of you as a couple gain from this? We all reminisce of people, places and things from our past. Normal. For some reason her thinking of their memories together over time could have lead her to forget why they are exes and has become this lost love romantic memory. Since they do interact with the kids, its easy to understand it happening. Its something you both need to talk about and understand how feelings can and do change over time, can become muddied with romantic fantasy. Ensure she knows you love her very much and the life you’ve now built together. About the openness of your future together and how its yet to be written. That the one with her exe was written and closed. Yes we all remember our exes, but she needs to remember there is a reason we call them exes.
I will never be in a relationship with someone that wants to be friends with their ex.
You shouldn’t be mad about something like pictures because it’s a thing. The children deserve to see them and remind them that their parents were happy together and they came from a place of love.
You shouldn’t be mad about something like pictures because it’s a thing. The children deserve to see them and remind them that their parents were happy together and they came from a place of love.
Wife gets told by ex he misses her ‘friendship’, she pulls out pics of him and pines away. Reddit starts screaming about how you should trust your spouse…..
Get some confidence, sheesh. She’s allowed to access memories of her life before you.
Many stories on reddit infidelity subs are with an ex. Speak with your wife and let her know your concerns.
The whole being uncomfortable about the kids having photos is painting the whole.post as if you’re a jealous and bitter fool who can’t handle that his ex is co parenting.
Is it a possibility the kids asked about the wedding and the Disney trip? Or she wanted to look at them with the kids?
Do you thank reason to think she would leave you? Is she not emotionally fulfilled?
She looked at photos of her and the FATHER OF HER CHILDREN. This man will always be in her life no matter what. She’s allowed to look at photos of a previous stage of her life and include someone she co-parents with.
She shares children with this man, you need to accept that part of her will always care about him. Ex spouses can absolutely still have deep friendships especially when they share children. It was a huge part of her life in the past and she shouldn’t have to hide it away because you’re insecure. You married her, you should trust her. It’s totally normal to reminisce
She’s checking out and checking back in with the ex. There’s a reason you feel uneasy. That’s your gut barking at you. Something is up.
I think you need to seek professional help to work through your own insecurities. I am not one to keep ex’s as friends, but the dude asked for friendship, not a relationship with her. Rather than telling your wife you wouldn’t be with her if she had a close friendship with her ex husband, you should have asked her how she felt about her ex’s message. Does she want to have some level of friendship? You jumped the gun on this one because…again, your insecurities. Even when the kids have a photo of their dad in their room…you take an issue with it. You are incredibly insecure about this man and until that gets addressed, professionally, this is going to continue to be an issue for the remainder of your marriage.