i’ve always heard that naturally married couples start having less and less sex, but lately l’ve been struggling with just the lack of sexual attraction to my wife.
We still have sex sometimes. I feel that my libido is fine. I still think about sex and getting off very frequently, but… just not about her anymore.
She has gained some weight since we first got together, but nothing outrageous. She is still objectively very attractive, so I don’t believe this plays a real part. Most nights we get to bed, I think about sex, but have no real desire to do anything about it with her. I feel terrible for this.
About a year ago we dabbled with an open-ish relationship. We brought in another woman for a couple months, which was amazing. We were both incredibly sexually happy. Things with this woman ended amicably, but it feels like that’s when it began going downhill.
Part of me thinks it’s because I finally got to “see what’s out there” (I lost my virginity to my wife). But if this is the case, where does this leave my marriage? We still get along. We still work incredibly well together, have fun together, and apart from this, our marriage is totally fine.
I realized I don’t even really know what I’m asking.
I’m just looking for peoples comments on this, because it leaves me at a loss of what to do. Is this what marriages are bound to become at one point or another? Our partner just becomes so common that the attraction completely disappears? Are other married couples still into each other sexually even after 5+ years of marriage? How does this even work?
23 comments
What would an outsider say about the state of your romantic relationship? Not just love, but romance.
Are you actively putting effort into viewing and treating your wife as a romantic partner and not just a roommate?
It is easy to let the spark get buried under bills and adulthood and all the boring but needed conversations that have absolutely no sexual tension involved. That has to be nurtured, still. Sexual attraction isn’t just about getting into bed and wanting to bang, it starts a long way before that in a long term relationship. What does yalls day to day look like? When’s the last time you went on a date?
Basically, more info needed on what you’re already doing.
To be frank, it seems you just don’t like having sex with her. People with experience will know that having sex could be vastly different with one or another partner. There are things like the chemistry, the involvment, the feeling of the skin, the odours etc which play a big role.
It’s not a matter of marriage duration. With time, you can have less sex because of the kids, work etc, but the desire should always be there. I have been married for 13 years and we enjoy it more now than at the beginning.
I don’t know what you could do because you are vague about the causes you lost attraction. Is it because she is passive in bed ? Lack of chemistry ? Depending on the issue, it could be adressed.
You ruined your marriage by bringing in a 3rd person.
I believe you guys could keep up doing different stuff. This always light a spark. The normalcy can be very boring. Maybe BDSM, or more of the open relationship thing
How do you feel about your relationship with her outside of sex? Any personality or compatibility changes ? My bf and his ex wife were hot for each other once upon a time for example but their communication and argument styles tanked fhe relationship to divorce – meaning that their thoughts on just each other as people is so in the dirt I doubt either of them could imagine being sexually attracted to one another again despite finding the other objectively attractive looks wise. Attraction is more about just weight gain so I’m curious is there’s more that changed between you both as well
I think people need to realize that sex irl isn’t like it is in porn videos, it does tend to get “samey” after awhile but when you really love your partner it stays being awesome, at least in my experience but it takes TWO to keep it going, each has to make an effort and not let yourselves fall into a rut, take time away from each other, go on some mini getaways, vacation sex is out of this world. 🙂 The main thing to remember is that it’s easy to fall into a comfy pattern and it’s up to you to break out of that pattern.
I’m going to tell you what worked for me.
My husband and I have been together 11 years. Around the 7 year mark, I felt the attraction dwindling. So I started doing things to train my brain into attraction.
I love his hair so I’ll comment about how luxurious and wonderful his hair is, how the color is this perfect warm golden brown but with hints of red and how utterly perfect and sexy it is.
When he doing something normal, like he’s in his role playing video games on a Saturday, I find something sexy about it, like the way the robe drapes, the expression on his face, the way his hair falls. And I let myself fantasize about jumping him and if I’m especially brave I’ll say it out loud and see if he puts the game down. Sometimes he’s in the middle of a match and can’t leave. That used to be a turn off but instead of getting impatient, I’ve trained my brain to think of the anticipation as an extra turn on.
It’s about recognizing that you want something – I need my relationship with my husband, he’s my best friend and life partner and I do not want to go through life without him. And realizing that neither of us want to fall into the comfortable, roommate rut. So we both have to keep the attraction alive.
For me it’s a habit thing. I think I’m using the same skills I learned in therapy to help with my anxiety – recognize the undesirable feeling (lack of attraction), then consciously work to replace it with the desired feeling (attraction). It gets easier over time, and it’s just the way I think now. And it’s so so so great, finding these really beautiful small moments, like when he bends over to load the dishes, or the curve of his back in the shower. My life is so full of these little amazing moments because he’s my husband, we live together, he’s always here, and he’s all mine to admire.
I hope this helps. 🙂
Loss of sexual interest is a result of putting less effort into a relationships. It’s not “natural”. This only happens in relationships where people stop putting in effort and stop growing together. Fucking another woman isn’t putting effort in to your relationship. If you’d put the same effort and passion into your own relationship you’d be fulfilled.
If you feel you’ve missed out then leave and go see “what’s out there”. You are clearly not invested in this relationship and looking to blame your wife. You’ll likely encounter the same issues in your next relationship. One thing to consider is that your wife has time and effort invested in you. She overlooks a lot that other women aren’t going to stand for. Ideally you should be working on yourself and on how your relationship endef up the way it did.
How about bringing in another person, m/f?
This seemed to work?
You have to do the work. Our marriage is great, but only great because we both do the work day after day, and choose each other every day.
Just being honest… you sound kinda lazy in the bedroom. It’s not her job alone to get things moving. If she’s open to threesomes it sure doesn’t sound like she’s not willing to do all kinds of fun stuff. And she’s attractive.
So what exactly is the problem here? Because it sounds like you just can’t be bothered.
You need to work on yourself dude. This doesn’t have anything to do with your wife or your relationship it has to do with something missing and lost inside of yourself. And honestly you’re not going to find it in sex or a relationship with anyone not your wife, not a different woman.
If you have access to therapy that’s the way to go. If not then get some self-help books, listen to some self-help podcast and start doing the work.
If you want to feel attraction to your wife again then, well buddy…do the fucking work to make yourself appreciate her like you used to.
As far as your marriage goes, you fucked up bringing another person to the bedroom. If your sex drive is the same as it’s always been, then you need to stop watching porn, stop looking at other women, and focus all of that on appreciating your wife. You’re not “missing out” on shit having only been with 2 women. Sex is an important aspect of life, but I can promise you that if you seek out only the best you possibly can get your life will end up hollow and meaningless.
The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered. If you don’t water your own fucking lawn then no matter where you go it will turn yellow and die.
I’ve been with my wife for 30+years and we get it on 3-5 times a week. It’s fire every time. It might just be how the both of you go about it that has you losing interest. Try something different with each other(not a 3rd party).
I did not see the open relationship ruined my marriage curveball coming on this one. Usually its right out there in the title.
Sex is something you do to excersise an already existing intimate connection, and that starts in your head. Sex will ebb and flow, that part is normal. What’s not normal is letting it die completely. You have to reestablish the intimacy and attraction in your head and the sex will follow. Start talking to your wife about it. Start figuring out ways that she feels loved and wanted and do those. Ask her to do things that make you feel loved and wanted, and do those. Spend time together doing exciting/bonding/relaxing things. Figure out what your respective love languages are, if you don’t know. Do the romance part first and you’ll be back to normal in no time.
What are you guys doing to keep the romance there? Me and my bf had a similar issue and it took us realizing we weren’t romancing each other anymore
>Is this what marriages are bound to become at one point or another?
If you open it, then yeah.
My husband and I can’t keep our hands off each other and have been married 12 years and have 3 kids (6,8,9). Idk what other relationships are like. Our only slumps have been pregnancy, birth and birth recovery related. We are adventurous and like to try new things, new toys.
Men seem to like like variety so I try to be open to what he’s craving. I can always tell when he’s thinking about doing something new but hesitant to do it for whatever reason. I don’t say anything but I’ll slowly encourage him to go for it. I give him opportunities and reward him via moans (1 of his biggest turn-ons). He gets to work toward something and feels gratified when he gets it. I could definitely communicate it with words but this way is more fun and gratifying for him.
The pandemic ended up being awesome because work from home meant we got to be together more. I feel bad for couples who don’t get along or felt stressed seeing their SO so often. All day long we’re patting each others butts in passing or squeezing other areas (when the kids aren’t around). Our free time we usually hang out and watch comedies, then he games or yo-yos (he’s always got some weird hobby going on and I love that about him), I read or write, and we’ll watch another show before sex and bed. We used to have sex every night, but around 40 we both developed problem skin that gets rashy if we indulge too much. Now it’s usually every other day.
It sounds like you have FOMO, but I warn you that “what’s out there” is a lot of trash and very little treasure. If you can’t find value in your partner, by all means break up, but don’t expect it to be easy to find what you had. It’s likely to bite you in the ass, where you feel like you blew up your life for some cheap sex with people who suck as companions. My husband and I both sowed our oats, dated duds and also nice people who weren’t a match for us.
I wish everyone could have experiences before finding their person. We both had a ton of experience by 25 when we met. I’d had 2 3-year and 2 1.5-year relationships by that time, and while my husband wasn’t as good at keeping relationships going, he amassed a much higher body count than I did. We knew what was out there and it was mostly trash. I was lucky. I always got whatever man I wanted, I never dated “bad boys” and STILL it was mostly trash. Cheater, liars, herpes… it’s a gross world out there. I’m happy to be taken but would probably have FOMO if I didn’t know the truth (That the majority of people are mostly awful or disgusting).
Honestly this is all about attitude. Are you still playful or do you only reserve that for a new partner? Do you make jokes that only the 2 of you understand? Does she? Just now my husband got a frozen burrito out of the fridge, kissed it and tried to make me jealous, and then we teased each other about his “having my way with a burrito”. as he walked out of the room he tickled my ribs and made me giggle more. Our days are full of interactions like that.
Ok, I’m out of time to ramble, hopefully something I said is helpful. Take care.
Stop jerking off dummy.
You’re being selfish. Because women don’t have to achieve an erection, we don’t realize how often they have sex with us when they otherwise couldn’t be bothered, but they love us, and once it starts it usually ends in fun for both. I’ve found in marriage and long term relationships, they’re successful longer if I do the same thing. This becomes difficult when I allow a dry spell to persist for a week. If that happens it could potentially go longer. I believe there’s a bond that gets broken by our lack of producing oxytocin. In love, cohabitation, for me at least 3x a week. After 5 days it’s not awkward. After two weeks it’s hard to get back on it, the approach is so awkward and that tells me we’ve gone so long there’s some weird emotional barrier.
As far as attraction, you are going to have times in your marriage where attraction waxes and wanes. You have a responsibility to overcome this for each other. I am not talking about a wife’s duty. You owe it to her to keep at it and break through whatever is causing your dry spell and do it quickly, that’s through sex. Therapy takes too long to initiate and get to the heart of the problems. If you want to go to therapy ymmv, but if you want to save your marriage you better be fucking because if you aren’t you are going to destroy her self esteem. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. I’ve been there. I’ve jumped into relationships where too much was riding in the balance and I found that I wasn’t attracted like I initially thought.
This is not that. You’ve been together awhile. Her self image and yours are no longer independent. I have two children, we divorced when they were very little. Now there were a lot of circumstances that lead to her early demise from alcoholic cirrhosis. People tell me it’s not my fault. I’m not saying this is you, but some behaviors of mine directly affected the way she viewed herself. I only know this in hindsight, it’s made me a better man, but I do believe we should know and feel guilty when our actions push our lovers into despair.
So I’m a man who really knows what a lack of attention can do to someone who has given me the privilege of building her world around me. I’d like to say my children suffered more, but I was there and that’s not the case.
What I’m taking away from the other answers is that at your age you are still very horny. Give it to her. You can play out whatever scenario you want in your head, but give it to her. Do not masturbate in these times. That’s selfish as fuck and it’s the easiest way to fix this. A lot of us jerk off once a day. But I’m a marriage and as you age you need to give that to her first. If not, it’s akin to waking up using the middle of the night, eating all the eggs and bacon and leaving her only a stale cold cup of coffee.
I saw no mention of masturbation, which means you don’t realize what damage it’s doing. If you were not selfishly keeping your sex to yourself, this would not be happening. At 30 your sexual urges are still raging, but your body is slowing down. I’m 52 and sometimes I jerk off once a day sometimes I go days without. When I would 30 I could come 5x a day, but if things were not great in my relationship and I did it before we got to it, it might not happen.
The first thing is to save it for her. Stop doing it, it’s gonna kill your marriage if you continue. And y’all know I’m right because he did not say a thing about it.
I’m going to be honest, “I’ve always heard that naturally married couples start having less and less sex,…” this isn’t true. Sure, for some couples – but certainly not for all couples, and it doesn’t necessarily “naturally” happen. It depends who you talk to of course but…I know a lot of couples who have been together for decades and still have lots of fulfilling sex together.
“Is this what marriages are bound to become at one point or another?” No. It’s not. And your mindset is certainly not helping you out here.
I mean, after 7 years my husband and I are having way less sex recently because we have our first baby and he’s just a few months old/we’re tired. But even we are still having fulfilling, hot sex and my body is way different…still quality of sex is way high. We talk excitedly about when we will be back to going at it as frequently/freely.
All of this is to say: maybe consider your mindset and how it’s priming you to just give up/feel this way.
I guess for context though…before we met, my husband and I enjoyed sex with other people so maybe the virginity thing plays into your feeling too in a way that I can’t see.
Good luck!
I have been with my husband for 17 years. After the 3rd kid I lost all interest. Then I started reading smutty werewolf books.
You need to have a conversation with her about how you are feeling. Open and honest communication. For all you know she feels the same. Come up with ideas to spice things up. Make sure you are taking each others needs into account.
Marriage is work. So what if you lost your virginity to your wife. My BFF was 32 when both he and his wife lost their Vcards together and they are now married 15 years. They are still in love, and even though life gets busy, his mind and thoughts are always his wife and kids
You cannot tell this man about another woman and wanting to see what’s out there because he made a commitment 15 years ago!
Op, you have to make it work for you both. There was a reason you chose to marry her 5 years ago. Do what you were doing to get her but you should have grown and matured 5 years to step it up. What you couldn’t do at 25, you should be able to do at 30. So if all you could do for dates at 25 is eat ice cream at home because you didn’t have a car, then pack up the ice cream in a cooler, with the essentials and drive to the beach and have a candlelight ice cream date on the beach. It’s the simple things, it’s about commitment. It’s about pushing yourself to care for her needs more than yourself. Your job is to challenge yourself everyday to make her day better than the day before.
Work on it! Work on you. Stop thinking about sex and be about sex but with your chosen partner.
Foster intimacy: emotional, physical and sensual etc
It’s time to grow up.
You get to decide how addictive your wife is or you can do random and meaningless hookups!
Good luck man!