I need advice. I ‘m at my wits end now as is my husband.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 11 years, married almost 6.
The years before our wedding the relationship between my mother and MIL was OK. They were friendly, greeted each other and talked to one another at social gatherings.
My SIL2 (DH youngest sister) did something against our wishes towards the wedding and my mother went to bat for me. MIL wasn’t pleased. They both have different characters.My mom is quite stubborn, strongwilled, good with words and fiery. She’s also easily insulted. MIL is also quite stubborn, not as good with words and less fiery in her expressions. Sometimes I think MIL might be frightened of my mother.
Since then their relationship has turned sour and gotten worse over the years. My in laws didn’t want to celebrate New year’s eve that year because they didn’t feel comfortable about what happened, my parents felt insulted.
From then on they only greeted each other and shook hands or waved, Then one party didn’t greet or congratulated the other and since then they refuse to do the same.
It has come to a point that my mother ignores my MIL when she’s there. All under the guise of ‘If they don’t want to acknowledge us, then we won’t to the same.’
My husband are sick and tired of it all. I don’t know how to broach the subject. I’ll be honest. My mother can be so fierce in her reactions that I sometimes fear them.
The dads on both sides are the calmer ones. My father will only explode when he’s really hurt or when you cross his boundaries. I’ve only seen that 3 times in the 38 years that I live. My FIL is the calm one as well. I’ve seen him angry but he has never raised his voice.
Please. I don’t expect for them to be friends but at least acknowledge each other and remain civil.
My husband is coming to the point that he would rather not invite them at all to birthday parties and such.
Can you give me insight, ideas on how to handle this?
30 comments
I agree with your husband why bother inviting them to the same event it’s uncomfortable for everyone. Home parties plan separately but big events like at an event hall should all be invited together. Sorry this is happening.
i’m afraid the only power you have is to let go. I doubt you can influence the situation. They’re both old and stubborn.
Hold your own boundaries. Figure out what you need and put that in place for yourself. And your spouse.
Your parentsandyour in-laws?! Whatever. They don’t get along. Sad but true. You do you. And time will take care of them. It sucks. But you have limited options in terms of actually effecting change here.
This isn’t a big deal at all. Also sounds like your mom is the aggressor. Anyways, stop inviting both sets of parents to everything. You’re probably afraid of not inviting your mom places and having your MIL there.
If they’re ignoring each other what’s the problem? At least they’re not fighting.
I think you need to have a conversation with your mom about how stressful and uncomfortable her behaviour is for you and your husband. See if she would be willing to lighten up.
Tell her if not, then you will move forward with seeing them separately but that means that she will not always be included as you will be alternating between your parents and your in laws. Depending on your relationship with your parents maybe you can engage your dad to help you mom move to acting more civilly with you in laws. Your mom might not realize that her stubbornness regarding your mil is actually going to result in damage to her relationship with you, your husband and any kids you might have in the future.
if she’s open to change then you can approach your in laws and have a similar conversation.
This issue will get more complicated if you have kids so best to start working on it now.
These are all grown adults. Their relationship is theirs, and completely separate from yours with your husband.
I have similar dynamics between family members and this is how *I* do it.
If there’s an event I want to celebrate, I invite them all with firm and clear guidelines on how I expect them to behave.
So for instance:
“We are throwing a birthday party and you’re invited, however X and Y are also invited. You can choose not to come, or you can choose to celebrate with us but at no point will I tolerate any rudeness or bad behaviour from anyone. Them or you. We hope to see you there!”
They’re adults, but so are you. Set your expectations for the get-togethers beforehand. It may mean you have to ask one party to leave if they can’t play nice but I promise you, after a couple of doses of “if you can’t play nice, you can’t play at all. Go home.” for both sides to take you seriously.
Why not just keep them separate?
See different families at different days/times?
Your husband is right. If they can’t act like grown-ups then they should stay home.
Your mom sounds like an asshole who demands that everyone cater to her.
That being said, just let them ignore each other. Who the fuck cares? When you invite them both to an event, let them know that the other will be there and they’re free to ignore each other and you don’t want to hear about any drama. If they try to complain to you about the drama: “I don’t want to hear about this, so I’ll talk to you later, bye.”
You’re the ones choosing to make this your problem.
“Unless the two of you figure out how to be civil and stop acting like toddlers neither of you are invited anywhere.”
Family therapy. It might look like hiring some sort of conflict resolution specialist that focuses/specializes in family/personal conflicts. Getting everyone in the room and allowing for each person to have time and space to express feelings and problems to the group with guidance from the mediator. It sounds like a very complex situation, having someone come from the outside alleviates pressure or blame on you when you are trying to coax things in a healing direction.
ETA: Reading other responses…most sound like bandaid fixes to the symptoms of this problem. How will this be resolved so that YOU aren’t stressed about it? Keeping the families apart forever? Sounds like a ball of stress….for forever. Good luck with whatever happens.
May I ask you a question? Why have both sets of parents over at the same time? If it is an event for you, you invite your parents but not your husband’s, the opposite if it is an event for him, and if it is one of your children’s birthday, you can plan to visit each of the grand-parents home instead of having them over. Not to assume anything, but the discomfort you are enduring seem to be the result of you not wanting to be clear and direct with your Mom and MIL.
*Why were we not invited to x event?* Because MIL and FIL were going to be there and you don’t get along.
*But why not invite us instead?* Yeah, that is what we are doing next time.
*But why do you still invite them, you know they are the one in the wrong?!* Not interested in this debate, we invited them because they are DH family, we’ll invite you next time because you are my family.
*But why*.. Not taking anymore questions on that subject. Goodnight Mom, love you, tell Dad I love him.
Same script for your husband. Will they be displeased? Of course. But they were going to complain anyway, might as well let them complain in their own homes.
Get them all in a room with you and your husband and tell them, “Get the fuck over yourselves. It’s been 6 years and this childish behavior stops NOW. Failure to act like gracious adults will result in us not inviting ANY OF YOU to anything again. You don’t have to be besties, but in our home, you DO have to be civil and polite. If you can’t, you won’t be invited to anything again. You all are important to us, but we will no longer tolerate the bad behavior. Figure it out and we’ll respond accordingly.”
Your parents and in-laws are far too old to be acting so childishly.
What does your husband propose? What ideas,to solve this problem, does he have? Is SIL getting involved to help?
Maybe get the three of you together and talk about a solution. Don’t take this on all by yourself.
They don’t have to meet each other.
*Stop trying to fix it.*
Next time someone brings up the drama, “I’ve made my opinion on this very clear, if you continue to bring it up I will end the conversation.” If they push, hang up or walk away.
A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with *both* families. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of upsetting your mom, especially not if you’re in the comfort of your own home.
This isn’t your mess and it isn’t your problem to solve. Your life will be so much easier when you start shutting the drama down as soon as it starts.
Be kind to yourself honey. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family who contributes meaningfully to that.
I think, based on your comments throughout, that you are the common denominator. You seem to be making the situation worse.
It sounds to me as if they are all being civil. I wouldn’t worry about it and live my life.
Yeah good luck getting a group of stubborn seniors to admit they’re wrong.
Your husband is right, don’t invite either of set to your family’s celebrations and tell them it’s because neither Mom is behaving appropriately. If you have children, make sure to pointedly inform them you don’t want your kids modelling such childish, petty behaviour.
Your husband is correct. Since the grandparents are all acting childish – they don’t get included.
Stop inviting them to ‘celebrations’ together. Neither set of parents gets an invite to birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
You can still get together with one set or the other for non-holiday meetups (at your home, their home, a restaurant), but if they can’t ‘play nice’ together, then they get separate invitations and miss out on all the celebrations. Tough shit!
Just have them round separately, go see them individually.
Why insist on everyone being together if them doing so sours the atmosphere. Kids don’t need a family party as well as a party for them and their friends.
They are adults. You don’t have to stage manage them. It sounds like they are at least being civil in each other’s presence. If you can alternate holidays/events, do that, otherwise don’t take on their mess. If they want to act like children, tell them to take it outside.
Maybe make a bingo/drinking game out it. Dramatic sigh? One shot. Passive aggressive comment? One shot. Attempt to outdo the other with presents/food? One shot.
Ignore them. Don’t feed their energy with a worried response.
For the next event you host, you each tell your moms if they can’t behave civil for a few hours, then they should not come.
If they throw fits, they are uninvited and not invited in the future.
I think this is too much for you to take on as your problem. Just see them less. Less conflict in your life. They are old enough to foresee how this impacts you.
I would stop inviting all of them to all events. If they can’t behave like adults, let him sit at home.
INFO: Has SIL2 apologized?
I would say if you plan on having kids. Your future kids don’t need this toxicity from the grandparents
I agree with your husband. I would tell them that when they are mature enough to treat everyone with civility they can come to gathering but until then they are not invited. This is their problem not yours.