Example, today I told him that I don’t feel comfortable when he tells other people embarrassing or hurtful stories without my consent. For example when we were at an outing all his friends he told them about when I was younger and was intoxicated and had something happen that I don’t want to be public knowledge for people to gossip about. His reaction was anger saying I can’t control what he talks about to his friends, broke a chopstick in half, and says he tells stories about his drunken nights so it’s about the context and he did nothing wrong. Why am I not allowed to express that I feel disrespected by him when this happens? And that it makes me concerned that he talks negatively about me. That’s why I felt I wanted to talk about it and he’s very mad at me. All he ever does is say I act like a victim. He also is the breadwinner of the family, blew through his money and then lashes out at me because I have debt and that I’m jealous he can blow so much money. His bonus ontop of his 6 figure salary is 6 figures… while I am sitting slightly below 6 figures so just to give perspective he makes well over double what I do yet I pay all daycare, the groceries/household, all my stuff, house stuff ,etc ontop of my student loans which he doesnt have because he didnt go to college and I have medical bills from complicagions after having our latest child. We have a family. He contributes, as do I, but it’s hurtful when he argues and shames me for my debt yet goes out and buys a Maserati he won’t allow me to drive and then calls me jealous. He grew up in abusive households, I did not. We went to therapy and the therapist brought it up that our perceptions are obviously very different. But not being abused, I am having a hard time coping with him when he acts like this which I’m concerned is abusive but he cannot see it this way (according to the therapist).
TLDR: husband gets angry because I say I’m not compatible with him sharing embarrassing stories about me for no reason in social situations.
12 comments
Why are you staying with someone who has no respect for you?
Your husband is either really immature or a total jerk… or both.
*In this week’s episode of Married to a Narcissist…*
I’ve always said that money can’t buy class.
Your husband has no class.
Your husband sounds absolutely god-awful to the point where I think it’s at least borderline abusive.
He treats your medical bills from the birth of your child as if they’re individual expenses and not household expenses???? That’s horrible. This man sounds abusive to me.
I can’t get over why you are paying for the entirety of daycare, groceries, and medical expenses when you’re *married.* Why isn’t there a joint account? Honestly, consult an attorney, file for divorce, and get that court-ordered child support.
>Why am I not allowed to express that I feel disrespected by him when this happens?
He never said you’re not allowed to express such things – he never questioned whether or not you had the right to bring such things up. In fact, by engaging you rather than telling you to never repeat the behavior, he acknowledged you have that right.
What he expressed back to you was that once you’re done expressing your desire, you can kindly shove it up your ass, and that he’ll do whatever he wants and share whatever he wants without your consent.
>All he ever does is say I act like a victim. He also is the breadwinner of the family, blew through his money and then lashes out at me because I have debt and that I’m jealous he can blow so much money. His bonus ontop of his 6 figure salary is 6 figures… while I am sitting slightly below 6 figures so just to give perspective he makes well over double what I do yet I pay all daycare, the groceries/household, all my stuff, house stuff ,etc ontop of my student loans which he doesnt have because he didnt go to college and I have medical bills from complicagions after having our latest child. We have a family. He contributes, as do I, but it’s hurtful when he argues and shames me for my debt yet goes out and buys a Maserati he won’t allow me to drive and then calls me jealous.
Right, so none of this is new. This is all existing behavior, and by your own admission, this began when he was a child exposed to an abusive home environment. That means he has never shown any capacity or desire to be another way. What’s more, he directly tells you he won’t be another way every time he behaves in the ways you’ve described.
So you got with him knowing he had never shown the capacity or desire to behave in the way you’re asking him to behave. You hand-picked him knowing that was his nature, he never deviated from it, and your *current* negotiations always fall back to the same conclusion: that’s who he is.
Given how long you’ve had all the evidence you need, this has long-since stopped being a “him” problem and started being a “you” problem. The situation now exists because you decide to allow it to exist – you are the one who has consented to this being a feature of the relationship. You are the one who has said that the relationship can continue with him giving precisely 0 indication he wants things to be any other way.
This situation will only end if you re-evaluate that decision – any notion that your husband will suddenly develop a completely new nature can, at this point, be dismissed.
My therapist told me that when I say to my husband “I just can’t tolerate this behavior” but I stay with him then I *am* tolerating it.
…. Broke a chopstick in half??
This is fucked up behaviour. They’re not his stories to tell…
I’m really interested to know why he thinks all of your stories are his to do what he wants with but that doesn’t apply to anything else in your relationship… say, his finances?
This man doesn’t respect your boundaries, then when you address the issue, he makes himself the victim, while simultaneously calling you a victim.
Baby, you don’t need us to tell you he is abusive. You already know that.
The question is, are you going to continue to allow him to treat you like this? You have tried and tried to talk about why this makes you uncomfortable and not only does he negate your feelings, he refuses to stop. This theme will continue to carry over into every aspect of your relationship, if it hasn’t already.
You really need to think about if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
> I pay all daycare, the groceries/household, all my stuff, house stuff ,etc
> He also is the breadwinner of the family
…is he the one who characterizes himself as the “breadwinner”?
If you’re providing everything for your family financially, YOU are the breadwinner regardless of who makes more. It doesn’t sound like he makes your life easier, happier, or less stressful. What are you getting out of this relationship that’s positive?