Repost because language
So we’ve been dating for nearly a year, long distance cause we live in neighbouring countries. Money wise he is a lot better off than me and is able to not work for months and just travel (while I can’t imagine taking a day off work and plus I like my routine) He bought this extremely expensive van/rv and I can’t understand why he couldn’t like, get a great car for that money, I just don’t see the appeal. He also has 2 apartments in his city so it’s not a money thing obviously.
Everything’s been wonderful except for the fact that when we talk about vacations, he always brings up going by van for like a month or something. He also once said that he wants us to do a 3-6 month long road-trip with the van or by cycling. I almost gagged at the idea considering I value space, commodities, routine, stability and a damn shower. I guess I can say that I’m more high maintenance than him, but I really like NICE places and nice interiors. The van thing is the opposite of that. He also doesn’t have a stable job because he doesn’t need to work and he doesn’t understand “normal life” because of his privilege. I don’t know how to approach this without sounding rude, but I really want us to have a future together and maybe children and we talked about this together. How are you supposed to raise a child with someone who doesn’t understand routine and stability? He also uses the van thing as an escape from problems, travelling and being without a burden for months. I’m the opposite, I try and sit in one place and tackle everything directly and make the best out of my stability, which I love so much. What do I do? Anyone had a similar experience? I really love him and this obstacle is building resentment.
TL;DR – Boyfriend likes to be “free” and wants to travel together in a van while not working, while I am the opposite and I like my apartment and job. What do I do
31 comments
He is living his life the way he wants to live his life, and it’s neither right nor wrong.
You live your life in a way that *you* want to live your life, and it’s neither right now wrong.
If you don’t like the way that he lives his life, it’s neither your place nor within your power to try to make him change *his* life in order to suit what you think it “should” be.
> I can’t understand why he couldn’t like, get a great car for that money,
He propably could. But *he doesn’t want to*.
> I just don’t see the appeal
You don’t *have* to “see the appeal”, because he’s not living *your* life according to *your* standards and predilections, he’s living his own life according to *his* wishes.
Stop resenting him for not being the person *you* think he should be.
Accept that this is the life he wants to live. If it’s not the life that *you* want to live, then the two of you have a fundamental incompatibility and there is no path forward for the relationship.
I know the answer on these forums are often simply “break up”… but this is truly a “break up” situation.
You want different lives! There is nothing wrong with his lifestyle if that’s what he wants and can afford it. He needs to find a girl who is also into van life (there are tons) and would just love to go on a cycling/camping trip.
And there’s nothing wrong with what you want either. You would do awesome with a guy who like nice things, fancy hotels, wants to settle in one spot and have kids.
You just want different things – and honestly, trying to compromise on that is just going to make you both miserable.
You should just find someone who wants the same things instead of trying to change each other.
Plenty of people raise families without the routine and stability of a typical residence-based/career-based life. There’s nothing wrong with that. The fundamental issue is that you two are completely mismatched in that regard. The obstacle causing resentment here is that you are trying to pair a square peg and a round hole. I’m sure he’s a wonderful person and that your love is true and deep. But, OP, level with me as an obviously pragmatic person—how on earth do you think this could ever work from a practical perspective?
You two are incompatible.
You are pathing ways. He wants to roam around, you know what you want.
It’s not a bad idea to overthink your relationship.
You’re not compatible. You don’t value the same things or have the same goals.
Don’t try to change him. Find a guy who likes hotel vacations and fancy cars.
>He bought this extremely expensive van/rv and I can’t understand why he couldn’t like, get a great car for that money, I just don’t see the appeal.
Because he bought it for him. Not for you. The purchase wasn’t for nor about you. He’s allowed to buy things he wants for himself.
> I guess I can say that I’m more high maintenance than him, but I really like NICE places and nice interiors.
Did you communicate that to him? You could just say “babe i love you and I want to go all around the world with you, but I don’t wanna go on vacation in your fucking van. Can we please book a flight and hotel? I’ll even chip in if money is an issue” (you can leave out the “fucking” part but I personally think it adds a bit more emphasis)
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>What do I do? Anyone had a similar experience? I really love him and this obstacle is building resentment.
Talk to him? Tell him how you actually feel? Maybe you two can reach a compromise.
You two simply don’t want to live life the same way.
Let’s assume that he “gets this van life phase of his system” in a few years, and at that point he’s ready to live in a house and own a car and whatever else you’re looking for in a partner. By that point, you’ll have wasted valuable connecting time by not going on vacations together, and you’ll have become even more resentful of him for “wasting your time” despite you being the one who agreed to “wait it out”.
But what if that’s him? What if he never “grows out” of this lifestyle?
I can sense contempt on your end regarding his finances, lifestyle, and sense of responsibility. That’s never a good sign for the future of a relationship.
It sounds like you want to date someone vastly different. So, why don’t you?
You two are not compatible with your dreams and future plans. He will always want to be a free spirit. You will always like your routine. One of you will always be miserable because you aren’t getting that need met. You can love him all you want, but love doesn’t make up for the fact this will not work out.
Dating for nearly a year, not even.
Just break up. That’s what you do.
Also for anyone interested, here’s a great analysis about van life by Tiffany Ferg! [Van Life & The Housing Crisis](https://youtu.be/jStHQr8gdbY)
it doesnt matter how much you like someone if your lifestyles and life goals are completely incompatible. you have to be honest with yourself and him. you’re long distance now – so in order for you to live together and build a life, a big commitment and relocation would be necessary. can you really see yourself being happy with his lifestyle? if not, then there’s no point continuing
Why are you dating him?
You could try to be more cool and fun
You guys want to live two totally different lives, and your interests don’t align at all. The ONLY reason this relationship currently works is because you’re long distance and your daily lives don’t intersect much. When they do, you don’t like it.
Van living is popular amongst certain groups of people and they are very very intense about it. I k ow this because I have family.member like this.
End it now
You’re not compatible. You want different things from life and that’s okay. Break up and go your separate ways.
Sounds like you’re not compatible. End things amicably and move on.
Y’all want totally different lives. Imagine what you want in 5 years and what he wants in 5 years. There is very little overlap. It’s nice you have a positive relationship but this thing doesn’t have legs
You two are way too different. I don’t see a future here, to be honest.
just break up to be honest. you’re very different people.
because to me, road tripping in a van for half the year sounds awesome! you both deserve to find people who align better with your versions of what is a “good time.”
Sometimes it can be good to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. There’s always going to be things that need to be compromised on while in a relationship. Maybe, rather than doing a 1 month or 3-6 month van venture, try it for a week. If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you, but at least you tried and made an effort to be open to doing things he enjoys. I’m sure you’d appreciate him getting out of his comfort zone to do something that you truly enjoy or want to do/try.
It’s been nearly a year- have you ever sat down and actually discussed life goals and long term visions?
Because that conversation in clear terms would basically confirm what everyone is saying: you two have no long-term compatibility.
This isn’t a “there is this one little detail we aren’t on the same page about” issue–– this is “on an ideological level of how to live life we have nothing in common” issue.
Op, I think you already have answered your question. You can’t change him just like he can’t change you. If you force yourself to change, then eventually you will become resentful.
That’s what dating is for. You try to see if you are are compatible and now you know the answer.
This kind of reminds me of my ex. Had the disposable income and wanted to buy a van and live out of it, crisscrossing the country. Didn’t have a normal job, made good money, and seemed unable to really develop deep roots anywhere. In the back of my head, I worried he’d just get up and leave me behind because of that kind of the instability of “van life.” I get the appeal, but that’s not a life you can have with a partner who’s not also 100% into that and has the freedom (ie, same responsibilities) to do it too. It seems like a huge solo endeavor that’s great for a single person.
> I really want us to have a future together
Why?
You’re both clearly incompatible.
You have not just differently but actively opposed values and wishes for how to live your life, and this is a very new relationship and long distance on top of that. Why are you even bothering with this? He sounds like a great partner for someone but not for you. Let him go and you can both seek out partners who actually want the same things you do and are excited about what you each have to offer in a relationship.
You should date me, I am the exact opposite of this guy. I hate van life and camping, I would much rather spent 3 nights in a penthouse with awesome views, amazing food, and classy materials. Go to some shows, meet new people, and then fly back to home to my routine and plan another trip.
If you gag at the thought of living like he *wants to live* then you’re completely incompatible. You will absolutely never change him and you will absolutely be grossed out by the van life and bugs and mold and random problems that happen on the road.
This isn’t really about the van.
You do not want this man, you want another man who is similar but totally different. If you swap out the parts you do not like will he still be him? Of course that probably does not matter. It sounds as though you are going for the female version of the Stepford Wives.
Are you trying to change you? It does not sound like it. You expect him to change to meet your specs. Maybe you can buy a different model.
So you want completely different things out of life. What’s the question? This relationship isnt going to work if one of you will be deeply unhappy if you cave to what the other wants, and there’s no in between here.
You’re not compatible.
yea you two just arent compatibile. You want different lives and thats okay. I could only dream to have a rich boyfriend who would rather travel and have a van life than work. People have different values and I think itd be better for both of you to end it now so you can each find someone more compatibile to the lifestyles you want to live.
Sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible. Maybe it would be best to end things, so you could find someone who wants the same kind of life you do, and he could find someone who wants the same kind of life that he does.