title. my gf of a year and i are on a break to think about our future after a lot of tension/arguing. it can be summed up as: she goes really “cold” when she’s was upset, which makes me an anxious, clingy mess. we are great when things are good. i started tiptoeing around her for fear of upsetting/losing her, which i now regret.
along with this disconnect, a few things worry me: When we were LDR, we had an unequal, lopsided relationship. she only called me from the car. she stopped traveling to see me and stopped picking me up from the airport when i visited. i traveled to see her a ton to try to stay together. when questioned about this/our ‘ship, she answered often with “i don’t know.” We’re back in the same place now and things are better, but her general level of effort concerns me for the future when things get hard. To that point, she hasn’t shown up well during stress or hard times, and she prioritized her schedule over me at times. it was also hard to raise these issues because she tends to run from arguments–literally leaving the room or emotionally disappearing. she hates arguing, and aims to do better, but resolving anything calmly has been a challenge. she experiences lots of defensiveness, silence, & tension, based on her childhood and some bad experiences, but she is committed to getting better. for those of you who had these issues, what did you do about it? did it worry you to take that next step? Why/why not?
tldr: on a break with partner so we can think long and hard about marrying. what to do?
6 comments
Committed to getting better how? What efforts is she making? Have you set out a 3, 6,9 and 12 month goal for bettering herself? Perhaps some therapy is in order. I personally would never enter a long-term relationship I had to tip toe around in. It would make me feel trapped and unwanted.
Then Don’t marry her. Do not get married if you are not 100% sure.
Doesn’t sound good at all.
Options:
1. Step back and see if she steps up
2. Break up
It’s only been a year, however much of that year being long distance, and you already have to take a break from one another.
“She’s committed to getting better.” I mean she’s already had a year to BE better. She’s had 30. You’re not a rehab facility for dysfunctional partners. I mean, maybe you are, but you don’t have to be.
You are 30. You have SO much life ahead of you. Why settle so early and for so little?
She sounds like a bad partner, and you sound thoughtful and caring. Consider looking for someone else who will treat you better and appreciate you.
Check out “attachment styles”. It sounds like you might be anxiously attached while she is avoidant (a common but unhealthy relationship dynsmic). The book “Attached” is super informative and helpful. I would not marry her unless she learns to manage conflict and support you more.