I (24F) have a “best friend” (25M), or at least I thought we were but I haven’t been enjoying his company much recently. We met in college and I am normally very proud of his accomplishments but I think he is talking about it a little too much. He is an engineer and makes very good money with almost 100k in savings; he is doing much better than most people our age. However, money, his job, and self improvement are like his personality now.
When we attended my friend’s birthday trip (he was the only guy) he brought his study materials for a test (he gets paid extra for passing a test) and was telling the girls how much money he makes and about his work. I brought him over for a family event once and while my family thinks he is nice, they said he was rather dry/boring as all he kept talking about was engineer related things such as his work projects. Another time, we went to a theme park with a girl friend and he would point to things such as the concrete, paint markers, buildings, etc. and relate it to engineering. He even opened up his bank account (I never asked to see it) to show the breakdowns of his 100k and how he divided them. The last time we talked on the phone, he mentioned how he gets a couple extra hundreds on his paycheck now so he is close to making 6 figures and that his real estate friend said he should invest into a house “because he has so much money”. Another time, he asked how much my car was as he was looking to buy a brand new one, and after getting the answer he said, “Oh okay, my budget is double of that”.
He also has been showing a bit of a superiority complex recently as he tends to look down on people who like to party, drink, smoke, whatever habits are “nonproductive”. He also sees himself as a high value man compared to other men in terms of dating; while I do agree on paper he would be one of the “better ones” it’s kind of annoying to tell him about my dates or who I am seeing now. I have not been meeting with the most “high value” men which I can see myself over time, but my friend is quick to say something like, “See that is not a real date, if I would take a girl out I would do \_\_\_\_\_” when I tell him about my dates.
I smoke weed and so I went to the dispensary and got myself a “good” deal from a sale and my friend said something a bit condescending along the lines of “Oh that’s good but see that’s how they get you” in terms of dispensaries just naturally being expensive no matter what.
My friend and I have quite a long history since college of being friends and he is normally considered a best friend as he has been there for me and saved my ass in many situations. He truly cares about how I am doing and my mental health and such, but I have been extremely turned off by the whole money-self improvement thing. I have been getting embarrassed to bring him to my family and friends because he’s the only one I know who actively talks about his income and work without anyone asking about it. It’s been bothering me but my aunt says it stems off from insecurity and possibly about him being short, she doesn’t want me to say anything as he is typically a very loyal and good friend to me. How should I approach this?
TLDR; My friend is very successful but talks too much about his money and self improvement and I don’t know if I should say something about it.
6 comments
“You know that I like you for you and not for your income, right?”
An enemy would encourage it; a stranger would let it go; and a good friend would simply tell him.
People can’t see themselves without a mirror, but they’ll never see their behaviour in one. If he’s turning repulsive and has no self awareness, one function of being his friend is to help him become less so.
Be his mirror, drama free and without judgement, and give him an opportunity to see himself as others are seeing him. High chance he’ll resist at first, but so long as you maintain an objective standpoint and buffer it with a caring energy, the result will likely be positive. If not, then that’s his choice and you did your best.
If he really is dear to you, you tell him just that. All of it. He is on a slippery slope to douchebagistan. I saw decent people getting eaten up by exactly this.
He’s clearly proud of his career, finances, and his self-improvement. Which is great! But sometimes that can lead to us (unintentionally) bragging. If you’d like to give him feedback, you can do so directly, by letting him know what you’ve told us, in a more diplomatic fashion. You could also poke fun at him a little when he starts bragging (not in an underhanded or passive-aggressive way, but in a humorous, teasing way).
Let him be. If you can’t be close to him as he is right now then fair enough and completely understandable. But if that talk and drive motivates and satisfies him then so be it.
He may revert, meet obstacles or need you in the future and he does seem to care about you quite a lot. He may possibly be into quite un- Reddit motivations and/or self talk/media but he needs to find his own self worth.
Please don’t accept other commenters who call home names or reduce him to stereotypes. If he is a friend to you then he is your friend, if he isn’t then that’s a shame but life goes on.
In our current world, it can take immersion and sometimes an arrogance to specialise in a field and excel. It takes what others see as obsessive behaviour, “douchebaggery”, to be a bore in some circles or to follow unfashionable learning to make something of oneself in a technical and competitive sector. He may seem socially limited for now but he has a drive.
The social limits may remain but hopefully so will your friendship. If not, wish him well and hope he does the same.
If he comes unstuck and you still like home and merit his company then be honest and blunt with him, but let him try to make his plan work first. I wish you both every success.
Easy just stop inviting him