I’ve noticed it’s been taking me a long time to get over a girl i dated for a short period of 1.5 months.
I think the problem is that it’s so easy to idealize someone when you don’t fully know them yet and you’ve **only** experienced fun and good times with them. In my case i got along easily with this girl and she’s my type. The only dates we had were us cuddling on the couch, watching movies, talking and being intimate. We brought eachother food we liked and even tho we didn’t have a strong spark or chemistry, everything was just comfortable. I only seen her best sides and it was too short to see real flaws.
I have no idea what spending a full day with her would be like. I don’t even know what it would be like waking up next to her in the morning or getting into a argument. I have no idea what it would be like to go through a difficult time with her. I don’t even know if we would really be compatible. Hell, i haven’t even seen her outside the house or done any normal, mundane activity with her.
Now my mind is free to guess on what it could have been like if we had continued. And ofcourse, it makes up all the **best possible scenarios**. She’s suddenly the potential dream girl i lost. It’s hard to shake this feeling. She left me for her ex who came back, so i guess i’ll never know what it could have been like if her ex had not came back.
How can i think more rational about this?
49 comments
You just need time to go through all grieving stages
Don’t worry, you’ll be fine again, eventually
You’re cut off from your drug supply at the height of the honeymoon period. Of course you’re going to get hit with the withdrawal symptoms harder than when you’re tapering off. This is normal.
100% I generally think that ending a relationship in a honeymoon period, no matter how long it actually lasts, is the most painful thing. I commonly see that people are ashamed to not be over 1-2 month relationship but your feelings are valid, no matter how long the relationship was.
Situationships suck
Because you didn’t have time to get sick of them.
You’re mourning the loss of the idea of the person you were with during that time. It was just an idea though, dust off and get back up.
You build up the potential in your head and it doesn’t get to play out in real life
Like yourself and others have said, I think it’s a combination of still being in the honeymoon period (on your end at least) and falling in love with the “potential” that never came to be.
You sound very wise, though. Even before anyone commented, you already had sort of figured it out. Now I think you need to plan what you’re going to do or say, when she gets tired of her ex and contacts you again.
Because we idealize people in our heads, and that goes away with time and getting to know the real person, which happens in long-term relationships. When a relationship ends early, we are still partially idealizing said person, and that creates thoughts similar to “what if I was still with them” or “this would be different if I was with them”
So it is just your brain playing tricks on you.
Enjoy the memory of your good times, and know that you can find it again.
I think that it’s difficult to get over shorter relationships versus long ones because of the fact that you wanted something with that person. You liked them, saw something in them, and wanted to carry it out. But it never happened. The bright hope you had didn’t exactly work out the way you wanted to. I think it’s about doing good for at least a satisfactory amount of time, and the amount of time to at least feel a small bit successful in a relationship varies from person to person. Having that amount of time that you are satisfied with even after you break up let’s you understand and realize that you tried and at least it worked for a little.
Yearning for what could have been and never finding out
I think it’s because we mourn over the potential like you said. I got over my ex in about 2 months, but this guy I liked on the apps, we only knew other for 1.5 months and met twice but it took me 2 months to get over him 😂. I’d say the best way is to remove them from your life and go out, keep busy, meet new people, and know there’s better!
In answer to the question you posed, I think you’re onto something, dude. I believe you answered your own question.
Question is how did she and her ex break off? Because it sounds like she was just lonely for the time and wanted some company.
I dated for a quick drink a woman once recently. She wasn’t terribly excited about a second date. She said yes to a Xmas thing and then said no. So I cancelled her immediately despite being into her, but I’m shit at playing games and want a Yeh Sayer as a gf. Anyway I join Instagram and she follows me within 30 mins. A couple of days later, Valentines Day, I like one of her posts and she blocks me. Probably better off without her, but still think about her. Ridiculous really but…
Take whatever time you need to grieve. Short term situationships are the hardest to get over because we still have that idealized version of them and haven’t really been able to get past the good times and honey moon phase to see them for who they truly are.
We also never fully got our needs met in these situationships, which is also hard. It’s the “what ifs” that kill you.
I feel you. I was recently dating a guy for three months and he cut me off cold turkey and now I can’t stop ruminating. I keep replaying the scenario in my head and wonder how it could have played out better.
This too shall pass!
It seems like you are thinking rationally about this, but you can’t skip feeling your feelings by being rational about them. Mourn and grieve the loss, and then begin the steps of actually getting over her. Do things you enjoy by yourself, make some new friends, try new activities. It’s difficult and you will get through it.
Thank you for sharing, short term situationships really are difficult to get over as I’m going through something eerily similar too. It’s the potential and the what-ifs that get you, but know that if they wanted to be here, they would. Hopefully that helps.
I’ve had this happen to me very frequently. Because you see the hope of what could have been quickly crushed
Buddy the hard harsh truth is she chose her ex over you. Any nice feelings you have and dreams you need to realize that she chose to eat with her ex , cuddle with her ex , be intimate with her ex. All the good stuff meant jack because there was a reason for him to be an ex and she chose him again. Right now you mean nothing. Harsh truth but unfortunately a wake up . And a hug for you buddy.
I definitely agree. I’m still not 100% over my ex, and it was short lived.
Girl who cackled her way out the door of a 9 year relationship yet also had a mental crisis over a 4 month relationship here…
Shorter relationships are harder to get over because usually you didn’t exhaust every single “what if?”
The long term ones are easier to move on from because you tried and tried, thought through every “what if?” And stuck around until you despised the person.
I once heard a piece of advice that said the best way to get over your crush, is to get to know them better. Sounds counterintuitive, but once you get to know them, the flaws come out and you realize they’re not as perfect as you imagined.
The “almost” and “what ifs” after it is the most painful part. Totally agree with everything you said.
In my case it was 3-4mos, and I can tell he’s developing feelings and is trying hard to not fall anymore bc of his fears. Sad but yeah. I’m totally fine being friends with him as he asked but I could tell it’s hard for him, cause he’s been avoiding.
We did the things you guys didn’t tho. Ours was long distance. I went there we went on dates, I came back and I slept everyday with him. Sleep at the same time. Watch movies, eat together, long drives, go to other cities, make pizza together, play games, wake up next to each other. Honeymoon stage, everything was so nice 😩 and then his fears got in the way of this long distance. It still hurts me, but the hope of living in the same country soon inspires me. Maybe one day. Idk. But yeah it is hard to get over this short ones.
At this stage, you are grieving the loss of what could have been, not of a real relationship.
Ideals are shinier than reality.
Yes you’re right. I’m just getting out of a situationship that lasted 3 years and the one thing that keeps me from talking to him is remembering all the times he was rude, uncaring, and completely disregarding of my feelings. It’s definitely easier when you can remind yourself why it ended but if you don’t have that then idk what to tell you
Holy shit man you literally described my last intera with this girl it was about the same time around 1.5 months trust me it gets better it really does suck when it ends that way since you feel so close to this person and since you only saw the best side of them
100% agree with the hardest to get over is when things ended during the honeymoon period. I had a huge crush on a guy for a long time and we dated for a couple of months, then he ghosted me while i was still very into him. Took me years to get over it.
Y’know that whole ‘you either die a hero or live long ebough to become a villain’ thing? It applies to a lot of relationships. But before you become villains to each other, there’s usually a longish period of just becoming bored with your partner.
Not every relationship does this, of course. But a lot of them do. Finding a life partner is hard.
I’d argue it’s better to have an idealized view of someone you didn’t know that well than someone you’ve known forever.
My ex got back together with her ex, who happens to be someone who had a crush on her his entire life.
They treat each other terribly, and while I was dating her, he was her (unhinged) friend. I’m convinced that they’re terrible for each other because he’s in love with this idealized version of her, and she likes him for his endless devotion and that he expects nothing in return.
So I’d say it’s better to have an idealized version of someone who is out of reach, or you don’t know that well than someone in your life. It’s fine to be sad, just don’t text her, and make sure your putting in atleast the bare minimum to dating someone else. If that’s going to the bar and trying to talk to someone great, if it’s asking out a dating app match, great. Doesn’t matter what it is, just make sure you do it consistently.
Holy shit, I spent the last 6 months missing a girl I dated officially for 3 weeks (all in all like ~2 months) and you just cracked it for me.
So easy to miss her when it was 98% good times. I miss the idealised version of her (my best, entirely warped and unrealistic version), not the true her.
It’s sucked ass logically knowing that I’ve missed her for 3x as long as I dated and knew her but lessons can be learned and most often truly learned the hard way.
If nothing comes from this post but this… thank you. You have truly helped some stranger today! Feel free to PM me if you wanna hash it out
I think it’s because we never had the chance of knowing what it was like to have forever with them. In everyone, there’s always this piece of us who long for that with someone.
You don’t have time to resent who they are in such a short period.
Because you are probably thinking of the relationship’s potential. You are wondering how good or bad it would have been if you’ve both tried harder.
>I think the problem is that it’s so easy to idealize someone when you don’t fully know them yet and you’ve only experienced fun and good times with them.
Oof i feel you. It took me about a month to get over a guy that i seen for a month and we never even had sex lol. Time will heal you pal
I’m experience the same thing as I broke up with a girl that I saw for 4.5 months and we were exclusive. It’s been alittle longer than 2 months and I don’t feel completely over her. I could relate to this post so much, you idolize about them so much and it feels like the one that got away. Can’t help how I’m feeling but I’m pretty sure I’m being hella delusional so atleast I’m thinking logically lol
Ooooof, I feel this man, I really do….
It’s been 2 months since she left, and we were dating for only 3. And I’m still so bothered by it every day… We never had fought or anything either, but I beat myself up all the time because the last little getaway we had together wasn’t a good one on my behalf and things ended right after. Even though I was positive we cleared the air after a long talk when we got back, and it ended with napping together and kisses goodbye after that. The next time I saw her she broke up with me..
If you want to chat more about it my inbox is open. I don’t really have any advice, as I’m seeking the exact same answers. Because I really wish she didn’t cross my mind all the time anymore.
Because in your mind you made it a fantasy. If you don’t experience your fantasy in real life you don’t satisfy your desire and your mind constantly dwell in it.
You answer yourself, cuddles and hugs and gets attention till the better option who dump her pick her up, MOVE ON BUDDY SHE DIDN’T LIKE YOU SINCE THE BEGINNING ONLY WANTED ATTENTION
It’s because your infatuated by them still so you’d rather have been loved by them and hurt, than rejected. Also you only see their best and you don’t have enough time to grasp the bad parts of them so you believe they’re perfect in your head.
This is putting my feelings into words, and I am so glad I joined Reddit now. I’ve been having lots of short situationships and they have just been all fun and nice. I feel like crying cuz this is the best description of how I’ve been feeling and I honestly feel less alone about not being able to get over these short things. Thanks u/Difficult-Ad-5801
Just realized I didn’t give you any advice. Sorry bout that.
You nailed it. Your model of her in your head is not complete, it just has the honeymoon phase stuff. So when you imagine what could have been, using this model, it’s all peaches and cream.
But her leaving you is the only evidence you need that she wasn’t right for you. Feelings are complicated. She probably has strong feelings for her ex. That has zero to do with you though, so go easy on yourself.
I do wonder if we should be going for what’s comfortable vs the strong chemistry. You definitely can have both but if you’re in a situation with only one, of the two, I do wonder which is the right one.
My last date ended bc he didn’t feel that strong spark with me the way he did with someone he went on only 3 dates with. And this is despite us having a good connection like friends who have sex. The guy said he was hung up on her because he had been ghosted by her, which was why he had put her on a pedestal and he couldn’t stop thinking about her. So all I can do is wonder what could have happened had there been no distractions
Oh yeah I totally get this. You get way more attached to the possibility than to the actual fact.
It also happens with ONS in my opinion. If the guy was great and handsome and not seeing him ever again I think it can be quite traumatizing…
But instead maybe you’ll know him and discover he hates cats and you love them. So imagine.
and that s why you don’t have sex for fun. rationally: listen to what Jesus said (and I m not particularly religious, but I am spiritual and I agree with Jesus on that) get to know someone and love them for who they are before you get primitive with food, sex and cuddles. instead of coping with life and your emptiness by getting comfortable and choosing the path to shallowness: get to know yourself and quit being a weak little whimp every time discomfort occurs, seeking comfort in a meaningless itch you scratch. you didn’t even like her like that, yet your penis was inside her. that’s not what I call sexual freedom. that’s what I call addiction to cope with life stressors. take that experience as a lesson: and next time you feel bored or empty, look within instead of looking for external gratification. I know the majority of people, hell: society thinks casual sex is cool. but it’s really really sad and pathetic. and delays many of us from learning how to self regulate our emotions in ways that honor us to higher grounds.
All the casual sex bigots gonna hate. Go ahead. I know my truth.
What if you would’ve had a bagel instead of toast this morning? Just stop it. Obviously, it sucks. Move on bud. Life is too short to wonder if things could’ve worked or not.