My partner and I met in high school, during a musical we did together. Our school had just re-opened after the pandemic, and that time was really hard for him. He began using drugs in 2020, (I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you what) and he was still using when we met.
We started dating a few weeks after we met, and the musical was still going on. We were together constantly, and everything was going really well. I wasn’t aware of his drug use yet. Shortly before the end of the musical, my boyfriend went on a trip about 5 hours away. He was also using drugs during that time.
While he was away, I received a bunch of texts telling me that he was cheating on me during the musical. They told me that he had gone in the orchestra closet while I was stuck in rehearsals and did whatever with this other girl. I really didn’t want to believe what I was hearing, so I guess I just ignored it.
I called him to ask what was going on, and he told me that the girl was crazy! He said she was making it all up to try to break us up. I let it rest, I have no clue why. But we didn’t talk about it for a bit.
When he came back from his trip, I received another message with a screenshot of him basically admitting he had cheated on me. He didn’t say it specifically, but here is the direct quote from the picture: ‘I did yea. I got way too fucked up. I literally have never been more filled with regret with anything. Who did you hear it from? And you can not say anything if anybody asks”
I asked him about it again, and showed him the screenshot. He told me about his drug use, and how if he did do anything it wasn’t on purpose and he doesn’t remember. then, after a while, the story changed back to this girl trying to hurt his feelings? He told me that she was taking advantage of his drug use to convince him that he cheated on me?
Now, it’s two years later and I have absolutely no clue what to do. Every time that I bring it up, he will bring up something that I’ve done or just make fun of the girl that he did it with. He never wants to talk about the real issue. Should I bring it up again? Or just let it go and try to leave?
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TLDR: I have proof that my boyfriend cheated on me while under the influence, but I let him convince me that it wasn’t true. Now it’s been two years, can I still bring it up? Or should i just leave?
5 comments
To me, you get my trust only once. Break it, and you’re done. That is just me showing myself some self respect. I don’t think that kind of trust is something you can get back after someone cheats.
I think everyone can make ‘mistakes’ but what truly defines a person is how they behave after making such a mistake. Your partner obviously chose to hide the truth, and even lie to you. You’ve tried multiple times to talk about it. He doesn’t seem like a person emotionally capable of having such a difficult conversation, as he will probably try to gaslight you again by bringing up stuff you did. It sounds like the trust between you two has been broken for a long time. Realistically, do you think after such a long time, he will suddenly change and start putting in effort for the relationship?
> Every time that I bring it up, he will bring up something that I’ve done or just make fun of the girl that he did it with.
So this … is not acceptable.
If you have a residual issue, and you bring it up respectfully, it’s not okay for him to turn the tables and make it about your behavior. He’s allowed to bring up issues he has with your behavior, but not in a tit-for-tat way.
The appropriate response when somebody does that is, “We can talk about that later. Right now we’re talking about this.”
And if they keep doing it the appropriate response is to break up with them.
I’m a little skeptical about his story, but I wish you had told us what drugs he was using, because it would help us contextualize his behavior and his comments. But the simple truth is, look: if somebody uses drug or alcohol use as an excuse to justify bad behavior (which sometimes does have some merit) then from that point forward they are accepting that when they do that drug they may do that bad behavior. It’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card, rather, it moves the moment of responsibility from the moment of the bad behavior to the moment they go so intoxicated that they’d do the bad thing.
Choosing to get drunk or high or whatever becomes choosing to misbehave, and should be treated accordingly.
If he had told you right after it happened and showed genuine remorse I would MAYBE believe it was a mistake and give them another chance. I may still not do it. But it would at least be something I would consider.
The fact he deflects whenever you bring it up is what truly puts it beyond the point of no return if you ask me.
And if you still are going to give him another chance despite people here telling you to leave. One of your conditions for staying together needs to be that he is not allowed to get drunk or high again. If he can’t control himself while under the influence, he can not be allowed under the influence.
it has been two years, you tried to forget and forgive. its obvious you failed, since the chances of you doing it are slim, its better for both of you to go your separate ways.
in the end, no matter what he tells you, you will never truly believe, trust is broken