So for context, bf (27) and I (27f) have been together for almost 4 years, I moved with him to his home country a year ago, we have lived together for almost 3 years and have pets together. He has adhd and I have anxiety and bpd.
So I was diagnosed after we met, he was going through some shit when we met too and our relationship was rough at first. Lack of trust on both sides and bad communication. I started therapy and things really improved. I still have trust issues that I am working on.
So as I mentioned we moved to his country a year ago. He has many friends here, most of them from childhood and we live in a small town so everyone knows everyone. The other day he met a friend at a store. Apparently they were really good friends until she moved away and then he moved away so their friendship kinda died.
He suggested she comes home one day and hang out and she says yes. Some days later she texts him to meet and suggests to go for a beer, just them. Apparently she just broke up with her bf of like 10 years and moved back home and kinda needs to vent.
He showed me the whole convo and asked if it was okay. She seemed very eager to meet and it made me feel uncomfortable but I said yes because I am making an effort to trust him and give him space.
I did mention to him that she seemed too eager and made me feel like she was interested. He said he felt it too but that he doesn’t know and doesn’t think she will do anything and that he wants to he a good friend to her in case it’s true that she just needs to talk and that he will obviously reject her and leave if she tries anything.
They are meeting next week. He said at 5pm so he has an excuse to leave early for dinner if he needs it. They are meeting in basically the only bar in town, which has window walls so you can see the whole place from the street. As I mentioned, it’s a small town so anyone could see them. He has not talked to her since then. He has assured me he has no interest and nothing every happened between them. There is also a chance we may be meeting some friends at that same bar when they are done for some beers so I will go there too eventually. It all sounds good, right?
But in my head I am absolutely terrified. I just feel like he is with one foot out and this was just a perfect opportunity for him to meet someone else and cheat on me lol. He has said he wants to be transparent and won’t do anything, they are just friends. I know realistically in life he will meet with other women in different situations and I need to learn how to deal with it.
So, does this situation sound good to you guys too? Am I overreacting?
How do I accept that my partner will sometime meet other women without me and stop thinking he will cheat on me at any given opportunity?
I accept any and all criticism.
Tl;dr: My partner is meeting a girl friend alone and I having a hard time with it because she seems she has interest in him.
4 comments
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I want to suggest, just as something for you to think over, that your lens for interpreting other people’s feelings is warped. You keep saying “she seemed too eager” “she seemed very eager.” Well yeah she broke up with her partner of 10 years and just moved, her life must be kind of shit right now. And then she sees someone who was her good friend from before life got complicated who she can vent to? Wouldn’t you also “seem eager” to just go out and have a drink and complain about how shit your life is right now to someone who already knows you in your little town? Maybe she wasn’t even actually “too eager.” We can’t really know the tone of the texts, so maybe she is “too eager” or maybe she said something perfectly normal and polite like “looking forward to it!”
My point is that if you are already anxious or insecure about your boyfriend cheating, then *everything* is going to look suspicious to you. Some nice woman gives your bf a hug goodbye or hello, well she’s aiming to get with him. A woman talks to him at the grocery store, she’s angling to see if he’s single. A woman does him a favor, well she’s clearly doing it to make him want her. I’m not saying that I know 100% for certain this old friend is completely innocent, that’s impossible to know. But since you’re here asking questions about your thought patterns, I just wanted to add this perspective.
And the other poster is right in the case that this woman does turn out to be scoping out your bf. If he wants to cheat, he will. Putting him on lockdown or insisting he always keep all his hands visible and he only see her where there are windows to watch him will a) do nothing to stop him from cheating and b) won’t make him keep loving you.
What specifically about her behaviour reads as “she wants to fuck my boyfriend” rather than “she’s eager to catch up with an old friend she hasn’t seen in years”?
What could she do differently to make you think this is about friendship and not cheating?
Anyone can cheat at any time. You can’t control it. Either they want to be with you or they don’t.