Do people just like, talk with other people about themselves?

15 comments

1. It sounds like your anxiety can be pretty debilitating, you might want to seek some professional help for that, because for me, sure, I get nervous interacting with people I’m not familiar with but I don’y automatically think they’re out to get me y’know?

2. I was worried about the knife edge for a long time too.

   Then I realized there’s no knife.

   Now I talk with people and the interchanges are usually quite free.

3. Yes, for most people talking about themselves is easy and enjoyable since they are experts in the subject. The trick though is avoiding overdoing it. A conversation often has to be a back and forth so you have to remember to ask the other person about themselves and take interest. Most of all you have to try to listen attentively and remember what they say. Of course if you are afraid that certain details about you may be used against you you can always omit them from conversations and dodge or brush off questions about them.

4. Most do. I meanwhile just say random unhinged thoughts I have. There’s a random word generator in my brain that goes 24/7, sometimes it coughs up good words that can be a topic and I roll with that. That’s a surprisingly good way to socialize I’ve found.

5. I think you’re smart. A lot of people do speak of their hobbies, yes I may have to draw it out of them, and yea, its boring asf for me to listen, but that’s part of the job of being a good friend

6. **TLDR:** The knife’s edge you mention, there isn’t one in reality. People don’t judge or hate you from one thing, especially in the adult world. The knife’s edge you feel exists is a combination of your negative self-talk, feelings of inadequacy, fear of being vulnerable, not being genuine, and low self-esteem. I highly recommend this book for understanding and overcoming these: [https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questionnaire/](https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questionnaire/)

   Long explanation:

   You have a lot of negative beliefs wrapped around this topic, I’ll just try to address the aspect of being judged.

   The vast majority of people are worrying about themselves or what others think of them too much to care about whatever insecurities you have that seem like a big deal to you. It’s probably easy to recall times when you felt embarrassed, but think about times other people embarrassed themselves: it is easy to recall, do you judge them for embarrassing moments , and do you consider it a big deal that other people embarrassed themselves? For most people the answer to this question is no, no, and no, so you are probably vastly overestimating how much people care about these things. This is called the [spotlight effect.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect)

   Generally, being judged is a non-issue when socializing as an adult, but more depending on how emotionally healthy you are.

   * Perfectly healthy emotional people are not negatively impacted at all by being judged because it’s not a threat to any of their needs or wants, from basic self-esteem to high levels of fulfillment.
   * Somewhat healthy emotional people might be slightly impacted by being judged, leading them to experience vulnerable feelings, but they are able to process these feelings in a way that restores any harm done to their self-esteem. Furthermore, they may be able to see incidents of being judged from a more neutral or positive perspective in terms of the value of that experience. Especially when vulnerable feelings are shared with the right people and without reservation, this kind of thing creates emotional bonds that are often deeply connective and fulfilling.
   * The risk of being judged is usually not worth worrying about, because 1) most judging is done silently, so you don’t know if it’s happening 2) people often pretend to judge, as part of banter 3) when people judge right in your face and it’s not banter, it’s almost never personal, and more commonly that person having a bad day or having an insecurity that they’re compensating for by redirecting to an external target 4) outside of work, there’s basically no benefit to suppressing yourself out of fear of judgment.

7. Many people enjoy talking about themselves and sharing their experiences and perspectives with others. This is because self-disclosure is a basic human need, and it can help us feel understood, validated, and connected to others. When we share information about ourselves, it can also help us build rapport with others and establish trust and intimacy in our relationships.

   However, it’s also important to remember that communication is a two-way street. While people may enjoy talking about themselves, it’s important to also be an active listener and show interest in what others have to say. Engaging in active listening, asking open-ended questions, and showing empathy and understanding can help foster deeper and more meaningful connections with others.

8. There isn’t really a knife edge, it’s more like a gently
   sloping hill if at all. If something awkward is said, nothing terrible is going
   to happen. The important thing when starting a conversation is to be
   respectful, pleasant, and look to how the other person reacts. If they’re not in
   the mood to talk, people will be polite about it and will show it in some way.
   If they don’t want to talk – no biggie, just move on & they’ll forget about
   it in a couple minutes! But if you start a conversation, there’s a possibility
   they’ll enjoy it also & that alone makes it worth it. Most people aren’t looking to find the worst in others & usually just want to mind their own business, but if they do they’re not worth getting to know in the first place.

   Starting conversations can be awkward/stressful but the things you say in beginning are really just small talk so that both people can get on the same page & figure out how/if to develop the conversation. It’s a low-stakes numbers game.

9. Open up.

   I know the world hates me, but I can’t shut myself off from new possibilities even if they are real or just staged by someone as a reward or a trap.

   You won’t know until you open up. You may be great at mirroring but people will never love you, they’ll end up Loving themselves and when they find you’re just a facade, they’ll hate you even though they might have loved you for you

10. I have the exact same problem. I don’t talk about myself at all, as people would just judge. I honestly make up socially acceptable stuff for these conversations (“yeah we went to see a movie over the weekend”) so I don’t have to explain or justify my hobbies or activities.
    People say I’m such a good listener 😀😄as I let them ramble about their shit and feel special.

11. Letting fear and how people judge you will ruin your life. 99.9% of people aren’t going to care about you asking them some conversational questions. Just like you probably wouldn’t care if someone came up to and asked appropriate questions in whatever setting you’re in.

12. as a 35 year old living in an area not that familisr to me, meeting people IS really hard. but i believe in more populated areas (like the one i moved from and grew up in) it is easier. nonetheless, many people say making friends gets more difficult as one gets older, at least in the USA.

    as for talking about hobbies and interests and myself, yes, there are people i have found who really like hearing my stories. and i like hearing theirs. if it isnt genuine listening and interest, i can tell. i also dont like faking interest in someone else – that is exhausting and a waste of my time. if they are a kind, trustworthy person and have some shared interests and values, i am definitely interested in hearing their stories. in terms of knowing they are worth my time and trustworthy, that takes time to figure out, so striking up conversation with a new person and exchanging contact info are vulnerable steps in and of themselves. its hard and scary, but that risk of getting hurt by a person who may end up not being my friend is worth it – because maybe we will have a really great connection! and there is only one way to find out.

13. I get what you mean, I come from a place similar to what you describe,judging and everyone worried about themselves. I’m learning that we are social creatures and they are some real evil people out there but also some great people. We have to seek happiness (at least I do) whatever happiness means to you. For some reason interacting with another human beings positive energy around if it’s a good conversation. Dont get me wrong there is stages to meeting people start with basics and see if there’s common interest. You might find people that are really comfortable sharing personal things and vise versa and they each have a reason being why they are the way the are… Sometimes a strong simple question as ‘why?’ Can always follow up any conversation jammer

14. OP, you need to start asking people questions. You’re so convinced that people don’t care that you’ve become the one that doesn’t care. You assume they’re not interested because you’re not interested.

    You will be judged, hated, and rejected proportionately to the amount of judgement, hatred, and rejection you bestow on others.

    Here’s something to try: Tomorrow, ask a stranger something. And then ask them another question based solely on the information provided in the answer to your first question.

    Here’s what that looks like:

    “Hey, what’s that logo on your hat?”

    “It’s the mascot for the Maintown Tigers”

    “Is that a baseball team?”

    “Yeah”

    “Ah, cool. Sorry to bother ya, I just thought it looked cool”

    That’s just an example, I don’t really know what context you’re coming from. But I *can* tell you aren’t cultivating interest in others and its wrecking you.

15. so like, yes. but also no.

    a good conversation is when both people are contributing and can be about shared or opposite experiences, hobbies or interests, etc.

    when a conversation isn’t great sometimes it’s easier to ramble on about yourself because there’s nothing to talk about and you are scrambling for common ground, OR you don’t realize you’re rambling on about yourself and ruining the convo OR one party intentionally redirects the conversation to the other (like only asking questions and dodging talking about themselves at all) as a power play.