My (25M) gf (24F) is utterly helpless and I don’t know what the long term vision of this relationship is.

41 comments

1. Therapy only helps people who want to help themselves. In this relationship, you could stay as a partner but that would mean working together on the problem. She’s not working on anything. That’s not partnership, that’s her using you.

2. You have to assume she won’t change. Change is always going to be more painful and difficult than the status quo. And even if she does it will be a slow process and may not be enough for you. So while you are waiting for change that may never happen you are missing out on other opportunities.

   If you had just met your partner, and you knew all you know now about her, would still you enter into a relationship with her?

3. taking care of grown ass functional people is a nightmare in the long run. i’ve done this with a few family members and it’s incredibly draining after awhile. i still have to pay my sisters phone bill and give her money because she refuses to work more than she already does/doesn’t. she’s 27 and doesn’t drive. i hate this because when something goes wrong for her, she turns to me.

   bottom line, if a person is healthy enough to not be eligible for disability, they should work to support themselves. otherwise they drain everyone. dealing with people like this you will ALWAYS be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

4. Isn’t dating about finding if you both can make it work long term ?

5. So what’s her plan after school? She’s going to have a graduate degree but is she going to work?

   You’re already carrying a lot and based on what you said it appears that once school is done her anxiety, etc will keep her secluded so even then she won’t have any income. It seems like college and then a graduate degree we’re the next logical things to keep her from really having to be an adult with adult responsibilities.
   She’s showing no motivation to really do anything…driving, job, any form of social life, etc. if you stay you will be the sole bread winner and the gofer for absolutely everything. It’s also possible that once school is done and she continues on this path that she will become abundantly more clingy to you.
   This is going to sound harsh but do you want to be permanently tied to that?

6. If you don’t want to date someone who you consider helpless then it is ok to end the relationship.

7. I think if you either left her or set more boundaries, you’d be doing her a huge favor. Some people can’t and won’t grow up for themselves unless they are forced to.

8. Why the heck is she even working on a masters if she has no intention of ever using it for work? Yikes dude. She doesn’t seem to want, or be capable of, being an equal partner. And that is something you are wanting and needing in a significant other. I think it’s totally ok to end this relationship over it. Matter of fact, I think if you don’t you’re going to really resent her and be very unhappy long term. No one wants to be romantically involved with someone that needs to be taken care of like a child.

9. You summed up my 12 years of marriage in your post.

   Fast forward. She is codependent as hell and I feel like I wasted my life on her and she is missing every opportunity to grow and become independent. I can’t save money.and I feel financially vulnerable. I’m living in constant fear. Sometimes I don’t even sleep well.

   On top of all this and because of all this, I don’t love her anymore. I still care for her though.

   My present is your potential future, OP.

10. For work:
    What would she do without you, notably to get and sustain work? Like does she plan to rely on you for the duration?
    If you stay with her, can you be okay with her not working OR moving somewhere that’s either close to her job or has public transit?

    For friendships:
    Fine if she’s not super sociable but she needs to work with that therapist to give you space and not depend solely on you for companionship. That’s a heavy burden.

    I think people can change, but only if they want to.

11. So what’s the point in her going to school, getting an education if she won’t be contributing member of society by actually *GETTING* to work?

    Are you willing to live with this burden for the next 10 yrs? Do you realize that you are also partly responsible for this dynamic? You are an enabler. Maybe in the beginning it was feeling good to be chivalrous and needed but now it’s time to include reality in your relationship and it doesn’t feel so good. It’s draining and it WILL cause resentment. This is not sustainable and contrary to popular belief….Love *is* conditional.

12. Honestly, I’d break up with her.

    >Her plan thus far seems to be to depend on me her whole life

    I’ve actually broke up with someone for this very reason, and based on how you describe your gf’s behavior…the relationship sounds like my personal nightmare.

    Even if money wasn’t an issue, I don’t think I could be happy with someone who doesn’t want to strive for *something more for themselves* outside of being someone’s **dependent** — and I mean that in the most literal sense.

13. You say you have great communication then list all the ways you have terrible communication. You gf has serious problems she is unwilling to seek help for. It’s up to you to decide if you want to be a part of that or not.

14. Love just isn’t enough. No one wants to stick around for relationship with someone they’re actually just parenting . You’re still young but 24 is way to old to rely so much on another person for basic needs. She’s not a partner and this is NOT a partnership, you’re a caregiver right now; how long do you want to stay in this situation before enough is enough ?

    It’s great that she’s starting therapy but some of the ideas she has aren’t “fixable”. I mean, she’s in a masters program but doesn’t ever want to work or …drive, or…even make any friends ? I’m not sure therapy will fix that , assuming this will remain the same you deserve to go find an equal partner who is capable of taking care of themselves without your help.

15. You can love someone but not be the right partner for them. Full stop. Someone you are a “surrogate dad” to cannot be your equal, and ultimately I think you will lose all respect for her inability to run her own life (if you haven’t already).

    Question – what did she do to get by before she met you and glommed on as her sole provider? If you are feeling any guilt about leaving her, know that she managed to get by for 22 years before she was your partner. She’ll figure something out if push comes to shove. Until that point – she will continue to use you as much as you allow her to.

    It’s definitely possible to find someone who will treat you with compassion and respect, WHILE being a whole, individual, independent person *who is willing to work on their issues*. Don’t stay for the good parts because you’re afraid they don’t exist outside of this relationship. You’re young! Cut her loose and see what’s out there in the wide world. You got this.

16. You mention she’s not lonely, but it seems like she is if she’s constantly trying to communicate with you. She wouldn’t need your attention constantly if she wasn’t lonely.

    She’s dependent on you emotionally, physically and financially. You may be enabling her codependency further if you stay and if she doesn’t align with your boundaries. Sometimes breaking up is what someone needs to improve themselves because she’s clutching onto you for dear life

17. If you stay in this relationship as it is now nothing will change and you’ll just build resentment. That’s a recipe for a miserable life. So, you’ve got to address this with your girlfriend. When you bring this up with her she feels like a burden because she IS a burden – it’s ok for her to know that! Her feelings will be hurt for a little while. That’s ok! She needs to understand that her refusal to take any action to gain independence will have consequences. So far, there haven’t been any consequences because you backpedal when you raise these issues and because you answer your phone to hear about her cats when you’re writing a paper. You have to set boundaries and stick to them.

    If she wants to stay with you she needs to put together a plan to be more independent and follow through with that plan. If she doesn’t do that then you end it. It won’t be easy, but you can’t let this be your life.

18. You should talk to her more about this. And let her know if she doesn’t work on it you’ll be forced to leave.

19. You will only resent her when the honeymoon phase is over. You two have only been together for a year and a half. It will only get worse. You should get out of this while you still like her. It will be much harder later.

20. You found someone that is kind…That is a bare minimum in a relationship.

    Have you ever thought that maybe she is so kind and understanding with you because she is highly dependent on you and she would be screwed if you leave?

21. She has just started therapy. Why? What were her motives for starting therapy? What are her goals from therapy? Did she choose therapy for herself or did you push her into it? These answers could tell you whether therapy is likely to help your relationship problems.

    There’s three problems- no work, no friends and no driving. If therapy helps with social anxiety and driving trauma, that could fix two of the problems. Treating the social anxiety could also help the work problem if it’s effecting her ability to interview or get on with coworkers.

    So depending on how much you want the relationship to work, giving therapy a chance to work might be worth it.

    I would also try to reword everything you’ve said to your girlfriend to explain the problem differently. You come across as attacking your girlfriend here- you want her to change and become more independent because of problems with her. With a traumatic background, I would guess she sees this as you telling her she is a failure and you don’t want to be with someone who is a failure. But that’s not the problem is it- if she was rich and could support herself, pay for a driver, and had no friends but a parent who she chatted to when you were busy, I’m sure you would be fine with her not working or driving or having friends. Or at least not have as much of a problem. So it would be better explained as you want her to be more independent to take some of the pressure off you- if she doesn’t have an income then it’s more pressure on you to make money. If she doesn’t have friends, all her emotional needs (which are normal to have) fall on you. If she doesn’t drive, you have to. Which is extra stressful because what if something happens to you? It’s a lot of pressure.

    If you manage to clearly communicate this problem, and she just doesn’t want to change, or is unable to, then there’s nothing you can do really. The options then are break up or live with it forever.

22. Run. This isn’t going to get better. It sucks but better to split now than deal with it for the rest of your life. 🙁

23. I understand the love and wanting to support someone with this kind of pattern of behaviour and in this situation, but in enabling this helplessness you are also doing her no favours. She is even less likely to start taking SOME responsibility and control of her life if she has someone like you picking up all the slack. In the end, regardless of the good elements and love in your relationship, it’s a situation that will benefit neither of you.

24. You are not responsible for meeting her basic needs. You can tell her that you can’t give rides and leave it up to her to figure out other arrangements. You can tell her you need to cut down on your budget, or turn your phone off to work, and then do those things. But you have to be willing to actually follow through and let your girlfriend figure out (or not figure out) how to solve her problems herself.

    That’s not going to be a fun process and may not improve anything, but you could try actively making those changes in your own boundaries and seeing what happens, if you want to make an attempt to save the relationship.

    You can also just leave. It’s fine. She will figure her shit out, or she will find someone else to rely on.

    What you can’t do is stay and passively hope something will change. It won’t, if it hasn’t by now.

25. > Her plan thus far seems to be to depend on me her whole life

    I mean, don’t say you weren’t warned. She’s told you pretty bluntly that she’s not interested in doing anything that would make her less dependent on you. What you see is what you get.

    Do you want what you’re getting?

26. The world is full of incredible people who I absolutely could not share a life with under any circumstances. Unfortunately, you have found one of those and you have only truly realized how incompatible you are after getting attached. It’s a bummer, but if this feels like a problem now, imagine how you’ll feel about it 1, 3, 5 or 10 years from now if things keep going the way they are (which you should expect, given her stated intentions).

    I’m sure she’s absolutely perfect if you ignore all the dealbreakers, but unfortunately you can’t build a healthy relationship around that. You’ll both end up miserable if you stay.

27. Hey, I had car trauma and didn’t get my license until I was just turned 19, before that I hadn’t driven in 2 years. While I was younger than your gf now, the only reason I kicked my butt into gear was because my now husband (then boyfriend) and I were sorta long distance and he was unable to drive me all the time and I needed a job to be able to save and move in with him. I was so comfortable relying on him, but when he told me he was unable to support me in the same way it was important to me to get over my trauma to be able to support myself to be with him.

    Your gf is not going to change while you continue to enable her. Operate under the assumption she will not change and this is how your life will be forever, and then decide if you want to stay like this or leave. Make that decision known to her.

    You can give her a timeline, maybe 3-6 months to make notable and tangible change (outline what that looks like) because some people DO have the capacity to change. But nothing more than that.

    Side note, empathy for humans and animals is a bare minimum standard to have for a partner, not a significant plus or feature to their personality. That’s like saying “my husband doesn’t cheat on me, he is literally SO SWEET to honor the most basic term of our agreement to commitment ♡”. Don’t praise your gf for being empathetic 🤦🏼‍♀️

28. Dude, it’s not codependency, she’s actively taking advantage of you, and you’re letting her.

    > Gf doesn’t drive and we live in an area where driving is extremely important… There is no negotiation on this matter so I simply have to be her caretaker in this regard.

    No you don’t. What on earth… No you don’t. This is on her, she’s an adult, she needs to learn, or find her own way around. And fwiw, that is coming from a 33 year old who only learned to drive at 32. From a woman who had massive driving anxiety from trauma as well, who had a whole damn kid before learning to drive, and has been in a relationship for 5 years with a man who drives. He always helped me if I *needed* it, but I **never** expected him to drive me anywhere. I took uber, I took public transport, I made my own way around, as not driving was **my** choice. You are letting her take advantage of you, and it’s time for you to stop.

    > Gf has no money on account of being a graduate student and not being able to have a job due to not driving. So I usually pay for everything.

    This is also on her, and more proof that she is taking advantage of you. Stop paying for everything. She needs to get a job, online work exists, public transport and uber exsist, she’s being lazy and you’re enabling it.

    > But being the one person in her life outside of her family (who are extremely abusive) she is constantly calling and texting me when I need my own space. I’ll be panicking, trying to write a midterm paper, and she’ll call me 5 times until I pickup to tell me what her cats did.

    This is totally unacceptable behaviour. She doesn’t care abOut your emotional needs the way you claim she does, if she does this to you, and makes you her single support person for everything.

    > She seriously cannot make any decisions on her own. It’s tough to set this boundary because when I try to let her just do her thing she often makes terrible self destructive choices that honestly baffle me.

    You have to let her. She’s doing this to manipulate you into taking the decision away from her so she can continue to coast. Let her fuck up.

    > I often don’t feel like her partner.

    That’s cause your not. I don’t know if I’d call you her surrogate dad, but *partnerships* are between two equals, where being together is a benefit to each. Where they help eachother, where they support and lift eachother up, where they are an added benefit to their lives. She just uses and manipulates you dude. The only thing you could possibly be getting out of this “relationship” is good conversation and possibly sex. No fucking wonder you’re unhappy.

    I can’t see this changing tbh, but there is no chance this is the best relationship you will *ever* have. She just uses you.

29. Start creating healthy boundaries, OP! She’s an adult. Let her know how proud you are of her that she’s going to therapy. Tell her nicely but clearly what you are willing to do and what you’re not willing to do for her. So maybe you’re happy to carpool to uni and do weekly shopping together, but not driver her anywhere else. Let her know that your phone goes on mute when you’re doing uni work, and that you will call her back later. You’re also completely allowed to have your own friends, she doesn’t (always) have to come along when you hang out with them. She is your partner, and again: an adult. You are not responsible for her.

    If you decide to continue this relationship, make sure you have a talk about a possible future together at some point. Make it very clearly that no steps to progress this relationship will be taken (moving in together for example) before she is a fully functioning adult (getting her own means of transportation, a job, her own social life, etc.) I think these are very reasonable expectations from your end.

30. What kind of self destructive choices does she make?

    What would happen if she just faced the consequences of her own actions?

    Won’t learn to drive? Sorry, no can do — car’s in the shop / I’m busy / out of town. You’ll have to walk, take transit, carpool, explain the situation to your boss, etc.

    Blowing up your phone inappropriately because she’s lonely? Sorry babe, can’t talk right now — and put your phone on silent or do not disturb for the evening. Turn it off if she persists. She will live.

    Your boundaries aren’t up for negotiation. She doesn’t actually get a say tbh! Boundaries are something *you* decide for yourself — actions *you* will take in a given situation. You don’t need her permission to enact them or follow through. You don’t even need to verbally communicate them — you simply **do** them.

    She may not like this, and may protest. She will likely get upset. That’s ok. Grown ups can handle being disappointed or frustrated.

    Don’t you want to date a grown up?

31. How is she one of the most empathetic ppl you have ever met when she is causing you to suffer this much?

32. How did she manage getting around to places and paying for things before she met you? And how is she able to do a master’s degree when anxiety keeps her from working? Graduate programs can be incredibly intense.

    I agree with others that she’s using you. 🙁

33. A relationship needs more than love to work. It’s great that you love eachother, but she does not make your life better. In fact, it sounds like she makes your life harder:

    > There is no negotiation on this matter so I simply have to be her caretaker

    > I usually pay for everything

    > I feel constant anxiety about vicarious embarrassment.

    > she is constantly calling and texting me when I need my own space.

    > Her plan thus far seems to be to depend on me her whole life

    > I’ve repeatedly tried communicating all of this to her and all it has done is make her feel insecure, but she refuses to do anything for herself all the same.

    This is not a good relationship, no matter how much “love” is there.

    Also, I think I disagree with you on something:

    > She is one of the most empathetic people I have ever met. Cares so much for animals and people, always trying to be as conscious of her actions as possible. Even from our first date, I have always felt like I can talk to her about anything. She’s hardly ever judgmental about anything

    People who are insecure about themselves (and especially people who come from abusive families) are very good at giving the impression of being warm, wonderful and caring people. They want people to like them, so they will maximise the behaviours that get good responses: being good listeners, high levels of empathy, mirroring other people’s interests, being super easy-going.

    But if she actually legitimately cared deeply for you and wanted this relationship to succeed, she’d be doing more to lessen the ways in which she burdens you. She would respect your need for space. She would listen to your concerns and would act on them. She would push herself in address areas in which she’s uncomfortable (socialising with your friends, finding ways to live independently without you as her personal driver) because it would make your life better.

    I don’t think she cares about you as much as she wants you to like her. Her love isn’t “I want to make your life better” but “you make my life better and I want to keep you around.”

34. That’s not a healthy relationship in my opinion. Nobody should ever expect their partner to be everything for them. Romantic relationships aren’t replacements for parent-child relationship and they also don’t fill the “friendship void”.

    Personally I get really annoyed when a friend of mine or a coworker complains about an issue but refuses to solve the issue. Even if I come up with a possible solution they haven’t thought of, and it could work really well, they just shoot the idea down.

    Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like your girlfriend does this too. She just allows problems to hold her back and is making you responsible for fixing them when that is actually her responsibility.

    If I was in this kind of relationship with someone like your girlfriend I wouldn’t be happy either.

    One question I would ask is are you ready to leave?

    If you are ready, then leave.

    If you feel a strong hesitation to leave or are not ready, then think about what you would need from her in order to make this relationship work, think about what you can do to be part of the solution, and then have a conversation with her and include what you need and what you can do to participate in improving the situation.

    If you aren’t ready to leave, talk to her and give her time to show you she listened. This issue may be fixable. If she doesn’t listen, or she only follows through temporarily, then you know it’s time to go.

35. You’ve gotten good advise here, I think you should break up for your own mental health and future. That being said, I think your girlfriend is on the spectrum/neurodivergent. I have a lot of the same traits as her, but I do have drive to take care of myself thanks to my family not doing a very good job of it my entire childhood. You’ve been sheltering her from reality and I think she needs to be thrown into it to realize her own potential. Change is hard but it’s extremely hard when you’re..different. I’m so glad she’s in therapy, though! I hope she can get some perspective and help because it is hard.

36. Do you think maybe your girlfriend may be on the spectrum? School smart, life dumb, socially inappropriate and highly anxious – very classic presentation for Asperger’s in women. Or have some mental health condition that’s not being treated? Because it seems like you either need to leave for your own sake, accept her as is, or ask her to get evaluated and get some help which result in her taking on more responsibility in the relationship.

37. Autism. Your gf sounds very likely on the spectrum. Once you know the signs they stand out like a sore thumb and this is a pretty classic presentation: smart, unusually rigid thought around what she can/will do, socially unaware, anxious, lacking interpersonal boundaries. Sounds like she may not know this is a possibility about herself. A diagnosis may help clarify a path forward. Otoh it is also totally your call if you are willing to work through that with her. However, having an explanation could make things easier.

38. Your girlfriend is exactly who I fear becoming. I really don’t mean to be rude to her though I wish her the best in life. I really feel for her. I can relate to her anxiety of driving. I’m 24 and only just recently started driving myself to work. It took a long time lots of practice and lots of crying. Even today I cried over the anxiety because I’m getting a new job which is good opportunity but I have to learn a new commute. It’s hard for me it really is I feel so embarrassed that something people can do so effortlessly is my biggest challenge in the world. But at the end of the day we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. I want to do my best ease any burden I cause my loved ones. Honestly she has to want to change. If she doesn’t she never will. Ultimatums often have strong toxic associations but I think in this case it’s warranted. You do not have to stick to these guidelines for her but in my opinion with someone with sever anxiety and self esteem issues this in my opinion are the most realistic absolute minimum things one should be able to do for themselves. 1. Drive to a grocery store. If working is not her priority she needs to step up and ease the burden of labor in terms of cooking and cleaning. If she is able to drive to a grocery store then she is all set. Cleaning products, grocery shopping, household goods, self care items, a one stop shop. All she needs it’s to manage to get to point A to point B and back. 2. Be able to give you personal space.
    I can be needy at times but we all need space. You set how much time you need. And set strict rule if you are studying she cannot interrupt you unless it’s a matter of an emergency. 3. Get a part time job. Of course this is up to you if you want as everything else mentioned goes. But I genuinely believe getting some sort of income will improve her self esteem. It will build up her social skills and bring her opportunities to learn more about herself. And of course ease some of the financial burden. At the very minimum she should be able to treat you out once and while, pay for her own wants, and have the responsibility of paying for one household bill or need. This is not just she should strive for. But rather what in my personal opinion should at minimum be what one should be able to contribute to relationship. It’s still heavily un-balanced and she could do all that and you still have the right to feel as though that is not enough. Instead these are stepping stones towards her gaining more independence. She still has so much more to work on in terms of mental health and personal growth. Another suggestion I would strongly recommend but for her to find a hobby. Something she can just do for herself and keep her busy from needing you. Strongly recommend a hobby that gets her out of the house but understand more difficult with the lack of driving. But she really needs to make her life not so reliant on you. Good luck.

39. my best friend now drives his wife around still 6 years later.

    she refuses to take public transport or ubers.

    do not stay OP. he’s miserable and only staying because they have a kid.

40. It sounds like you’re already low key codependent. There are so many red flags here. In your 20s it may not seem like a big deal but by the time you get to 40, you realize there’s just that much time left to live and you don’t have time for time wasters. Like, you need someone with their head firmly attached to their shoulders who can stand on their own two legs, not an adult child who refuses to learn, grow, or develop and is just an overall drag on you.

    Just because she has one or two qualities that you find amazing doesn’t mean her other qualities that aren’t so amazing don’t disqualify her from being life partner material altogether.

    It’s a big ocean with plenty of fish in it. Go find you one that ticks all your boxes, not just one or two. And definitely avoid the ones who actively introduce negatives, neuroticism, and toxicity into your life.

41. Your gf is not the most empathetic or loving person you know. She has great communication skills which means that she definitely has heard you when you tell her her mooching off of you is bothering you, but she doesn’t actually care.

    A truly empathetic person would not need to be told multiple times to pull their weight in some way in a relationship. A truly empathetic person would be bothered by their SO providing everything while they do literally nothing.

    Your gf is knows what she is doing and she doesn’t care. Find someone who truly wants to support you and be your partner.