So my husband and I live in my hometown and have for about 3 years. We have a 10 month old daughter and I work remotely from my parents house while my mom watches our daughter Tuesday-Friday (we have a sitter come to our house on Monday). His parents live 2 hours from us in a beach town in FL and come to help as often as they can when they’re off work. We’re all very close and our moms are college friends (how we met).
So out of the blue my husband tells me he’s unhappy in our town, he’s never been able to make friends and feels it’s too small and close knit. He feels like an outsider. I had no idea he was feeling like this, mind you when we decided where to move before marriage I actually suggested his beach town and he said no let’s go to your hometown he didn’t want to move back. He also hates his job, he doesn’t make much money and it’s more of a job than a career so I’m the breadwinner currently.
So here we are now with a baby and he is taking courses for a new career he’s excited about but now wants to move back to his hometown. I love the town and wouldn’t honestly mind living there but my mom and I are so close and leaving her and our childcare situation is going to suck for sure. Also the cost of living in his hometown is way higher than where we’re at, paired with no child care because his parents work and their schedules vary.
Anyways super long way of saying I am torn on what to do. Has anyone gone through something similar? I want him happy more than anything but we bought a house here and property and I thought we were happy here. He’s clearly unhappy and I am just overwhelmed with this all, he sprung this on me on a Monday.
Any advice?
7 comments
Is he willing to take on half of the child care? I mean he may say so, but is he really?
I am sorry that you are going through this.
By chance, and given his situation, is there any chance that he might be depressed?
Yes. I’ve been there near the beginning of my marriage. The big thing is to make sure he isn’t looking for a change for the sake of change. Sometimes people are depressed and unhappy and up and move hoping things will change- but you move with you. So make sure to outline pros and cons and deep dive into why and specifically what will change. Because as you’ve pointed out there are definitely stresses to moving.
Ultimately we moved. Because he truly hated where we lived and there was not any good job opportunities and that outweighed everything else. I was able to transfer with my job so it wasn’t me choosing his career over mine and ultimately a marriage won’t be happy if one of us is miserable. On a side note, one of my coworkers was in the same position- her husband at the time was miserable and she refused to move. She felt that he just wasn’t trying and she made more…it lead to a lot of animosity. For the next several years as we kept in touch for a while the disagreement was still the main discussion in their marriage.
I would however be concerned that he jumped on this out of the blue. That deserves a deep dive and discussion too.
My wife and I are going through something similar now as we countdown to retirement. I want buy land and live rural. She wants to downsize into a low-cost city.
As hard as this decision is, and is becoming very hard on our relationship, it points to different goals and visions of our future. Finding commonalities is key, as is understanding what needs to click for happiness.
There may also be underlying triggers like depression, ADHD, etc. pushing the “change button” and triggering restlessness.
I suggest a deep self-inventory for each of you to really understand what within you is creating the want for change. There are likely external – like jobs, cash flow, physical space – and internal reasons to move.
Next, sit down together and find what is common in the list, what is different, and what can be compromised. If your partner isn’t willing to do the work, then a counselor may get you there. That’s the path we are on.
>mind you when we decided where to move before marriage I actually suggested his beach town
People are allowed to change their mind. People are allowed to decide after 3 years living somewhere that, that place isn’t for them. It’s ok and not a sign someone lied to you or deceived you.
This conversation didn’t come out of nowhere. Obviously he’s been thinking about it for awhile it was just the first time he brought it up. Keep talking, keep thinking. He doesn’t like his job and wants to change it, GREAT. And he’s putting thought into the environment he’s in.
I think you need to be part of the discussion with him, and again not act like he’s somehow deceived you. People are allowed to slowly figure out they aren’t happy with their lives and why.
Your husband being honest with you, communicating, and taking initiative to solve career problems is not a burden.
Therapy is cheaper than moving
I’m getting a new Eustis vibe.