I feel really petty about this but lately it’s really been wearing on me that my (29f) husband (30m) puts very little effort into his appearance, particularly with respect to his clothes. I don’t know how to bring this up without sounding like a petty, shallow asshole as well especially since he’s more or less always been like this since the beginning of our relationship.
To give a bit more detail, husband dresses very very casually 100% of the time. And 99% of the time I don’t mind this as I dress quite casually as well and have very little interest in designer fashion or high fashion etc. However the other 1% of the time it really really irritates me that he can’t seem to read the room/situation/event and put a little more effort in.
For example I had heard about a great restaurant in town that does a fancy high tea spread and wanted to go for my birthday a few months ago. I asked if we could please go and get dresses up a little, and if he could maybe put on a nice shirt and the best pants he has. Minutes before leaving he starts almost having a breakdown because he ‘feels uncomfortable’ in the shirt (it was not incorrectly fitted or buttoned up too high, or causing any real discomfort as far as I could tell) and then asks if he could please not wear it to the restaurant. Okay, fine. He grabs a pretty casual sweater/jumper and at that point I didn’t want to have a big argument and we were late-ish so I just let it go, but deep down I was really upset that he couldn’t even stick it out two hours for my birthday in a nice shirt and was getting emotional about it.
It seems he also does this when attending other events such as family birthdays or other gatherings and to my knowledge they also seem to have issues with him, but the way they bring it up is pretty heartless and derogatory which is why I suspect he does not take any of the criticism on board and just digs his heels in even further.
But even besides the casualness of the clothes, he often wears clothes until they have holes under the arms and is ripped or torn in various places and when he does this out in public it’s honestly just embarrassing. To be clear this is not a monetary issue as he earns nearly double the average salary for our region, so it’s not exactly as though he can’t afford to replace any worn out items. And even if this wasn’t the case I’d still find it kind of ridiculous to be going out in public with obviously torn clothing when he could either grab a different item is his closet or just replace it.
As I said this is how he has generally been our entire relationship which is why I’m not expecting he change everything about how he dresses. To leave it on a positive note I do think that generally speaking a lot of this stuff comes from the right place, as in wearing clothes until they’re properly worn out, not buying excessively expensive items, not being caught up in trends and high fashion that will be out of style next season etc etc. But even so I can’t lie and say I think clothing never ever matters because I think it does, at least a tiny bit.
Any advice on how to bring this up constructively would be immensely appreciated.
23 comments
I was your husband until I met my SO. She just started buying my clothes. Issue solved.
Yea, ur gonna have to throw his old clothes away and buy him new clothes… Of course it’s not ur fault but I do think it is part of ur responsibility to do these things 🙂
My wife was blunt with me. I had every right to dress the way I wanted, she pointed out that she had every right to expect her husband to be able to dress for to the occasion. It was time to grow up.
My wife didn’t marry a hobo. Like I said blunt.
What kind of person do you want to be?
You say in your post that you find these other people “heartless” and “derogatory” for tearing him down for his clothes. Do you want to be one of them?
Take a mental drone video of yourself talking to him about how he needs to dress differently to make you happy. Do you like the woman in that video?
Now imagine a woman who defends her husband against the mean people. Imagine one who is happy with him and proud of his success regardless of his clothes. Do you like the woman in **that** video?
It could be that he hs sensitivities that he really struggles with. I would take him shopping for clothes that are comfortable to him and look nice to you. It might not be quite as nice as you want or as comfy as he wants but surely something can be found in the middle.
Just tell him. Say hun, 99% percent of the time, you can dress however. But that 1% you need to be able to put on a button up shirt with slacks and deal with it for a few hours.
That said, he probably doesn’t even know it’s an issue because you have ever mentioned it. He says “this makes me uncomfortable” and you say ok change instead of saying you can manage it for a couple hours.
It seems like he’s just being immature and is trying to claim that the uncomfortable, probably ill-fitting, dress clothes he owns are indicative of ALL dress clothes.
Go shopping with him and buy a quarter zip sweater, which is exactly as comfortable as a hoodie, and khakis and sneakers or boots. That looks great and is dressy enough for vast majority of circumstances you’re referring to.
Also, I should emphasize GO WITH HIM. It will be a huge huge boost for him to try stuff on an you ogle over him and compliment how good he looks.
You’re in too deep.
Take a deep breath and step back.
You resent him, that’s dangerous to a relationship, and he will certainly resent you. Why shouldn’t he? You married him, you promised to love and honor him. Does he withhold money from you? Is he stingy and miserly?
What has been hurt here? Your pride maybe, but nothing un-mend-able.
When something bothers us then we have to go to the source, us.
Why does it bother you? Obviously because it’s embarrassing and he is a reflection of you. That thinking has to stop. He is a grown man, the only thing you can do is influence him.
Refocus on you, if dressing is important it shouldn’t be regulated to 1% of the time. Dress up and go out, married women often neglect their friendships, have dinner at a nice restaurant with a friend. Dress up just to go to the market. Make dressing for others your standard, if you don’t, why should he?
Don’t be cruel of course, if you’re going somewhere and he asks to join, bite back a “ not dressed like that” type comment.
Instead say “ I’m so sorry honey, I really wanted you to come, I was thinking of asking you but, there is kind of a dress code and I know you don’t like that kind of stuff.”
If he wants your help, he will ask for it, everything else will be considered nagging. No one wants to be the nagging wife.
It is a balancing act. Wearing clothes suitable for painting the house or yard work (e.g. torn, ripped, stained) should sort of be limited to when you are actually doing those tasks.
Expecting clean clothing that isn’t in a state of disrepair is not a high bar or unreasonable expectation. E.g. jeans and t-shirt is fine for running errands (but should not be the “yard work” level jeans and t-shirt).
Similarly, expecting that an adult be able to wear appropriate dress clothes with the occasion requires it is reasonable.
Does he not care? Not notice? Not see the difference between the torn t-shirt and the intact t-shirt? Is he willing/able to accept some categories around what to wear when?
For you, however, try not to take personal offence at what he is wearing. He isn’t selecting a cruddy jumper because he wants to insult you or diminish you – he is selecting it because it is familiar and comfortable.
We’ve been married 29 years.
My guy likes to be comfortable and will wear something until I throw it away. He just doesn’t see or think about what he is wearing if he’s home. (At the office it’s not an issue because they have a very particular dress code limited to just a few things.)
So… I do. I buy what I want him to wear, keeping his taste and comfort in mind. I throw away what is no longer appropriate. Half the time he doesn’t know what is in his closet until I point it out.
If we have an occasion, he asks me what I want him to wear. I point out a few options and he chooses.
So long as he has good hygiene and his his clothes are washed I would take it as win and embace his style.
He could be on the autism spectrum such as Asperger’s syndrome. I have a friend who has a husband just like that. He takes no thought to how he dresses and will wear the same pair of pants for weeks without washing them. It’s like she’s married to a teenager. Yes, he’s on the spectrum.
Throw his ripped clothes away and buy him clothes u would like him to wear. Make sure it’s within his taste.
Leave the lad alone. He makes money, treats you well (I assume) and doesn’t seem to abuse you. Everyone has their quirks, turn it into a joke between you two, laugh with him not at him. Maybe he’ll change, maybe he won’t but you already knew what you were signing up for. I myself sometimes want to dress fancy but they I realise how uncomfortable it makes me feel and I just wonder if it’s really worth it. Objectively speaking, male fancy clothes are not the most comfortable stuff, no matter how good they look. They are restrictive, depending on material can break easily, they become dirty easy and they even if ironed to perfection, they can get messy easily.
>It seems he also does this when attending other events such as family birthdays or other gatherings and to my knowledge they also seem to have issues with him, but the way they bring it up is pretty heartless and derogatory which is why I suspect he does not take any of the criticism on board and just digs his heels in even further.
Support him…fucking…get physical with those bitches. While I do believe certain occasions require a certain level of decency, unless he flops his dick around while aggresvely penetrating himself with a dildo in front of everyone then it’s pretty clear that the people there are focusing on all the wrong things.
I know OP wanted advice on how to bring it up but, and I am saying this with all respect, the only real solution is to get over it and maybe he’ll change in time.
>Minutes before leaving he starts almost having a breakdown because he ‘feels uncomfortable’ in the shirt (it was not incorrectly fitted or buttoned up too high, or causing any real discomfort as far as I could tell) and then asks if he could please not wear it to the restaurant. Okay, fine. He grabs a pretty casual sweater/jumper and at that point I didn’t want to have a big argument and we were late-ish so I just let it go, but deep down I was really upset that he couldn’t even stick it out two hours for my birthday in a nice shirt and was getting emotional about it.
It sounds like he could have sensory issues around clothing. People who are sensitive to the feeling of clothing especially hate collared shirts because they’re so tight around the neck. Have you asked him to explain what about this situation makes him feel so emotional?
I’m wondering if it’s a fabric sensitivity. I have sensory issues, and I cannot wear anything made out of standard “dress clothes” material. As soon as it touches me, it hurts. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s a real thing and it’s not obvious to others. It’s not that I want to dress inappropriately for the situation; it’s that the majority of dress clothes are physically painful and I don’t want to be in pain.
If this is the case, it’s something he can’t change and is likely something he’s very embarrassed about. It is also something he may find very confusing—I know that I had no idea why certain clothes were painful to me for years, since this is something that isn’t often talked about in my experience.
There are a lot more options of dress clothes nowadays made with various fabrics, so you can probably find something that will be comfortable to him. I wear dress clothes that are actually made out of canvas or t-shirt material, so they are just like my normal clothes, just look fancy.
It’s going to be hard to change him and depending on the person being overly confrontational might get him to go defensive. Does he have properly fitted dress clothes? Does he have any more comfortable smart casual clothes that would be more acceptable for these situations that he would feel more comfortable in? If he truly doesn’t or has very little I would say take him shopping. If my wife (or anybody rather) compliments a shirt or outfit I am much more likely to wear those regularly. Especially since it sounds like he is uncomfortable picking out something that you genuinely think looks great might help boost his confidence a bit.
Another idea is to try starting small. Rather than expecting him to wear full dress clothes pick out something slightly nicer than what he wears already. For example instead of dress shirt and slacks pick out some chinos and an untucked button up. He may feel more comfortable making these small steps to dressing up.
My husband was your husband.
I buy 100% of his clothes with his okay. It was a little bit to a journey but his biggest problem was buying clothes wayyyyy to big.
Hubs prefers his clothes now and says “I can’t dress bad, you don’t buy me anything that would look bad for me to wear”
If you notice holes or stains on his clothes and that bothers you, throw them away and replace them with new/clean ones of the same kind. Then at least his comfy clothes are in good condition and presentable.
Meanwhile, my wife says it’s awkward to see me in anything but a button up shirt. Always worked jobs where that was the right attire and it’s just what I wore.
But she has always had issues with the pants I pick out for myself. She says they fit terribly (I’ve always gone more for comfort with pants). I took her with me to buy some new jeans several months ago and nearly all her comments were geared around my bulge & butt. We bought two pare and I have to admit that while I’ve had to get used to fit around my groin, they do look better and I feel more confident in them than the my previous jeans.
So maybe go shopping with him and give him plenty of compliments on things you like. Maybe together you can find something he can wear for a few hours and that looks nice as well.
I had this conversation with my husband. I told him to wear what he wants in terms of style and stuff, but the ripped shorts, gross yellow t shirts (yellow from sweat stains), and socks with no elastic left in them were a little too much to me. I ordered him new socks and undershirts (found out which brand and style he wanted), and he got himself some new shorts. There wasn’t much resistance. To me there is a difference between style and condition of the clothing. When it is clean but looks dirty, when it doesn’t fit right anymore because its falling apart, etc. that seems like a reasonable request to me.
On special occasions, sometimes he does underdress but I just let it go. Choose your battles and all. I figure if he looks underdressed, judgement is on him, not me. However, I don’t care much what other people think and if my family commented on it, I would say I am his wife not his mother and he dresses himself…
Here’s an idea. Work on the problem with him. Take him clothes shopping and have him try on lots of different things until he finds something that is comfortable and flattering. If he starts to bristle at the gesture then it’s time to sit him down and be a little more direct with him.
I am very picky about the dressy clothes I wear, and I’ve absolutely had moments like what your husband went through when you start to panic thinking that you’re going to have to be out in public in something that doesn’t make you look or feel good. Maybe to you it makes him look good, but if he doesn’t feel that himself it really doesn’t matter how he looks to anyone else.
Have patience with him. Sounds like he deals with a lot of undue criticism from family over this, and it is certainly an issue. It’s not something to blow the whole relationship up over, but I get the sense you understand that.
Why is it that big of a deal that your husband dress up and be someone he isn’t for you?
He’s uncomfortable and dressing up in a way that brings discomfort to him and you don’t seem to care about that.
Switch roles. Some women don’t like wearing dresses. What if it was a husband complaining his wife doesn’t put on a dress for him once in awhile to go out. Even though she hates it.
That’s telling your partner to be someone they aren’t to appease you. I don’t like that idea. It’s telling that person they aren’t enough.
Your husband may not be the kind of person you can go have afternoon dress up tea with. Take a friend.
You need to have more people in your life than your spouse. They can’t be the burden of your whole life with you. You have to recognize that your spouse may not like to do certain things and in those instances you find someone else to do those things with.