Hi, in the past few weeks, the idea of my girlfriend moving in with me has come up in my 5-month long distance relationship. It came up very suddenly when she was switching colleges due to financial reasons, and noticed the new college provides online classes which she can do remotely if she moves in with me. I currently need to live near my own college that I go to, so we would share an apartment. She said that if I said no, she would likely break up with me as she cannot do long distance much longer, which is understandable. At first I happily said yes to the idea, before anxiety crept in and told me things: what if we broke up later on because we end up not being compatible and I have to deal with the financial fallout, what if my girlfriend misses out on the real college experience, what if i dont get alone time anymore, she is still 18 which is young (im 21), etc. I tried my best to communicate these ideas with her, but she began to get upset, saying that because im even considering not living with her when the stake of the relationship lies on it, that it means I dont love her as much as she loves me and wouldnt sacrifice as much to be with her as she would with me.
And I will admit, I led her on for a while by saying yes then becoming unsure, and I felt terrible and apologized a lot for it. After talking through the issue, I decided that I would commit 100% to living with her, since it is best to try rather than give up, and I promised her it was my decision.
Today, we woke up happy, knowing that we were now both committed to living together. However, she told me again that the fact that I was unsure about it while knowing that the relationship was on the line was getting to her. She told me she felt as though she would give anything to be with me, like leaving her family behind or going across the country, but I would not do the same for her. I told her that family is one of my priorities and I wouldnt want to move too far from them, and she said “what do you expect me to do, follow you around the country like a puppy?” and I think this is fair and not something I considered until that moment. I told her later on that my choice about living with family changes a lot (my decision was different just a few months ago). However, she began to spiral, saying that I never sacrifice for her or put her first, that im a horrible person, that shes extremely hurt, and she hates me. She broke up with me within a few hours, saying that she wants to find someone who prioritizes her first like she would for them. She says the only way she will consider being with me again is if I give her real reassurance that I prioritize her, but it cant be words.
I have personally felt like I do prioritize her. I always leave class or my gaming with my friends to call her if she has an urgent situtaion, Ive driven 11 hours to see her in a day, Ive paid for her gas to drive to me, I give her gifts on valentines day, etc etc. I may be clueless but I feel like I’m checking all the boxes.
I wrote her a long apology last night for being so indecisive about the future and letting it affect us so much that it led to breakup, and that I now know I cant jump into relationships being unsure about my own cirumstances/future. I also said that I hope we can get back together soon.
My current thoughts about this are that I dont think im fully in the wrong, and many rash decisions were made today. However, I also think it is fair to be angry with me after my indecisiveness becomes such a large problem. Should I pursue getting her back or is this a lost cause?
TL;DR – girlfriend wants to move in with me due to financial reasons. After initially agreeing, I become unsure from anxiety, leading to a fight and ultimately a breakup. Girlfriend wants someone who prioritizes her first and wants me to reassure her that she is my priority, but I cant use words. Not sure if this is a lost cause.
8 comments
You’re incompatible. Stop trying to negotiate this and let her go.
It sounds to me like she didn’t really want a LDR and was trying to push closing the distance as soon as possible, at all costs, without thinking much about it, but from your side, you weren’t ready for that. I don’t think you should be getting back together; five months of long distance are not the kind of relationship you should grovel and make serious sacrifices for. In reality, you are just getting to know each other; you have absolutely no idea what this person is like on a day to day routine basis.
She’s being completely unreasonable and you don’t owe her an apology for being unsure about moving in together so soon. Moving in together after only 5 months (of a LDR at that) is completely unrealistic. Of course you’re going to question it. You SHOULD question it. That is the responsible, adult thing to do.
She sounds very immature and like she has watched way too many romance movies growing up. Life isn’t like a movie where you get swept away by a prince charming who is willing to sacrifice everything for you.
She’ll probabaly grow out of this eventually when she realizes that her expectations are unrealistic. Unfortuantely, she’s likely going to have to learn it the hard way by driving a bunch of men away first before she realizes what she’s doing. That, or she will attract a toxic, codependent man that will want to jump into something way too fast along with her.
Prioritizing can be defined differently by everyone. So as much as you say you think you do, it may not be enough for her. But the problem is, she needs to be clear in her wants and needs and tell you what she wants you do, like she said, instead of just words to make her feel like she feels prioritized in her life.
As much as she’s giving you the ultimatum, i don’t think this is a healthy relationship. It seems like shes going to financially rely on you too but thats not your responsibility. She is still young so she may not know it yet but she should be with someone who is compatible with her aka guys who tend to get dependent on their gfs too.
I used to be a type that wanted my bfs to prioritize me as well but as i got older I learned that is not healthy. Some people still may feel this way and they should meet people who have same values as them. But for me, i have learned that despite being in a relationship respecting each other’s boundaries and not begging to make me as their #1 priority is so important. They have other things going in their life and I do as well. You are still young and she is still young. If she moves in with you to where you live right now I bet you wont even have your free time nor be able to hang out with your friends without your gf because then shes going to bring up the idea of you not making her the priority in your life.
I think you should SERIOUSLY reconsider about this relationship
You’ve been dating too short and you’re too young to live together. Experience life a bit before you start playing house. It won’t end well.
Ehh 5 months is too early to move in together.
Also. Don’t put her first. It’s only been 5 months. Put Urself first.
Definitely don’t move in together after only 5 months (and 5 months LDR at that). She needs to experience living on her own (or even with roommates) for a bit before moving in with a partner, and you need to prioritize your studies.
If you were interested in trying to make it work with her, I’d offer a followup option: she moves to an apartment (her own) in your town so that you two can “close the distance” and explore the relationship while still keeping your own spaces. Then consider moving in together later on, when you’re more sure about each other’s ability to navigate conflict and the daily decisions of living together.
Holding your boundaries isn’t “not prioritizing her,” it’s just establishing what’s important to you in your life at this point in time. If that means the relationship is incompatible – so be it. A boundary isn’t a boundary if you let other people’s whims influence it.
The things you mentioned are not prioritising. Buying valentines gifts? That is standard and expected of most people unless agreed otherwise. Same as the other things really.
You are very clearly incompatible. She seems a bit controlling/manipulative too. Giving you ultimatums. Let her go and try to find someone like that, because she won’t unless they are crazy.
It’s ok to want to live near your family. It’s ok to want all the things you do. You just need someone more similar to yourself.
At 5 months you are still getting to know each other. How can she expect to be prioritised above your own family? She obviously has some kind of schema. I would move on.