Hi everyone.
I’ve (20f) been seeing a guy (24m) for a little while now and we’ve spent a lot of time together and I don’t know whether or not it’s time to end things. In the past, he told me was wasn’t ready for a relationship at the moment and was still open to the idea of seeing other people since he just moved to my town. Initially, I convinced myself I was okay with this but it’s becoming pretty clear to me that I’m not okay with it. knowing in the back of my head he could be seeing, flirting with, and/or sleeping with other girls is driving me crazy and I can’t stop thinking about that. I know he is still using dating apps because I’ve seen the notifications on his phone and it hurts me every time I see it. I just don’t know why I’m not good enough even though I’ve tried to do everything I can to show him I am good enough and better than any of the other girls he could find on those apps. It is worth mentioning that I suffer from borderline personality disorder which is the biggest culprit behind my feelings. The thing is, I’m not head over heels for him because he doesn’t check all my boxes that would make me fall that hard for him but knowing I don’t have his full and complete attention and am seemingly just an option is what is killing me. I don’t want to end it because I don’t want to be alone again but at the same time, this dynamic hurts my heart and I just feel empty. I want to think over time, he’ll realize my worth and want to be with me but at the same time, I can’t keep playing this guessing game and hurting myself. If I do end things with him, I’ll just end up back in the dating app world and fall into another one of these dynamics. I’m considering having a talk with him and telling him that I like him but being his option isn’t good for my mental health and although I want to continue seeing him, if I’m just gonna be his option then I just can’t keep doing it. I don’t know what to do, I’m just really hurting, this keeps happening to me and I just want it to stop but it just won’t. Any advice and/or support would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: I feel like an option to the guy I’m seeing but I don’t want to end it because I don’t want to go back to dating apps and being lonely