I’ve purchased my apartment in a fairly nice new apartment complex, and I am the youngest person in the building. I live with my boyfriend and we are in our early 30s.
There is a man, probably in his mid 50s who lives in my building and he is starting to kind of scare me. I’m a bit scared that he is showing me particular interest and will go out of his way to chat to me. I live on the ground level, and am working from home at the moment. I’ve been getting into gardening so am spending lots of time on my porch, which is right by a sidewalk. He will often walk past and start up conversations with me, and I have a gut feeling that he likes me. My boyfriend has said the same thing, and he hates the guy too. He is disgusting, and generally very odd. He says things that are grandiose but make little sense. He wears tattered clothing which stands out as it’s quite an upmarket building. He talks very highly of himself, and insisted that he take on the main role of basically managing our apartment building, even though anyone could tell he seems incompetent and erratic. We had a building strata meeting recently, and he became furious about trivial matters, claiming that he has ties to the national government and will “come for” people as a threat. He seems extremely bizarre to me and I want to stay clear.
Basically my question is that I think I am too polite or giving off an open vibe to him, which is allowing him to think I enjoy his company. The last thing I want to do is have even one more interaction with him. I don’t want to cause any conflict because he seems unpredictable. I simply want to avoid contact as much as possible and give the subtle hint that I like to be left well alone. How can I do this?
Tl;DR: there is a strange man living in my apartment complex who seems to have particular interest in me. How can I avoid his attention without causing any conflict? Moving is not an option, and my apartment is on the ground level and pretty easily accessible so I can’t hide from him easily.
25 comments
Your situation is a bit different, and this is only a passive fix at best… but my wife was constantly being approached by a chatty neighbor when gardening, so she started wearing one earbud when out in the yard so that she could pretend to be on a conference call whenever chatty kathie came near lol
Upside is she was able to listen to podcasts🤷🏻♂️
You could politely tell him that you use gardening as your quiet time to yourself and prefer to be alone with your thoughts.
The best way to show someone you’re not interested is to excuse yourself when they approach. I wouldn’t worry about appearing “rude”; you will be perceived as rude by this guy not matter what, provided he has a modicum of intelligence.
Seriously, you see him coming, turn your back. He’ll learn to leave you alone very quickly.
Also there are audio phone call videos you can play from YouTube. That a fake phone calls for you to play on speakerphone so you are busy working.
Just have a few saved to a Playlist and if you see him come out hit play. There are all sorts of scenarios. Work related, personal emergency, etc
Manager on the phone is a 4 hour one.
Are you on good terms with other neighbors in your building? I would be curious if anyone else has dealt with this before from him and if they have tips for how to cope. They also might know what his “deal” is… whether he’s dangerous or just annoying.
(Edited: word choice)
You said you bought the apartment, is fencing in your patio area an option?
Wait, what has this man actually done? You only say that he has “gone out of his way to chat with you.” Obviously, you don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to, but start from reality here.
Then you say, “He is disgusting” and “He wears tattered clothing which stands out as it’s quite an upmarket building.”
Oof. **OOF.**
This guy likely has mental health issues, and obviously he’s functional at least some of the time, since he still lives in your “upmarket building.” Has he ever actually been an issue, though? Talk to some of your neighbors and ask. Don’t ask leading questions, either; just ask about the history of the building and if people generally get along and feel safe. If your neighbor is really an issue, it will come up. And if the answer from all your neighbors is “yes, we feel safe,” then that’s all you really need to know.
Again: if you don’t want to talk to him, you don’t have to. You can be cheerful, polite, and distant. “Hi, George! Have a good day! Gotta go!” every time you see him. But given that you react so strongly to things that have nothing to do with safety, such as smell, I don’t know if your instincts are guiding you well here.
Wear earphones and pretend you don’t notice him in future.
I’m sorry this is happening. It’s scary, especially as a woman, to have a uninvited man repeatedly approach you on your own property.
It’s annoying enough in public, much less while gardening.
Earbuds are good, so is telling him to please leave. I had a neighbor like this and I was super polite until he started banging on my door at night asking for beer or money. It doesn’t make you a bad person to tell an unwanted person to get lost, trust your instinct and look out for yourself.
Anyone telling you otherwise hasn’t watched enough Dateline. Good luck!
I would try to seem less… Pretty? Like farting, talking about my urine incontinence or how bad the food the day before felt and the gigantic crap I took and how I had to call someone to help with the WC.
Of ~course~ use the many excellent boundary setting suggestions already here, but could he just be a weird guy excited to be friendly with a neighbor? Would it make sense to you to be friendly with him if you knew he had autism or social anxiety? Would it change how you interpreted his comments? I’m not at all suggesting he has a right to your time/attention while you’re outside, but it might be easier if you spent some time viewing things like small talk with the perspective that he’s not really operating on the same plane as the rest of us, then figure out ways to communicate that you’re done for now (sometimes direct words like “I just want to work in my garden alone for a while” in these contexts can be less hurtful than hints because they’re clear)
Start purposely bringing in your boyfriend in front of him and make out with your boyfriend in his face. That creep needs to get a life
I ignore people a lot and tend to usually seem as if I am busy or doing something or regularly in my head ( tho assertive I will fight lol tho able to reciprocate ) and honestly if someone isn’t interesting I will simply shrug them off and seem rude and like Na I’m busy don’t come thru rn , do it enough and they will leave . Or be like damn no way wtf and then not talk to them again so “they know u kno so they leave u alone “ but with the same basic trivial mannerism s . zD it’s an art that needs to be perfected but it’s well worth it ! x) hold a basic value and don’t be afraid but don’t be pushy . Like I said . Lol shrug them off like I’m in my head . They all do it why can’t uu (@@,)
You could bring your boyfriend with you if he’s actually a creep you’ll know if he doesn’t talk to you when your bf is with you
Maybe your problem is that you are polite and you make a good convo with him. Try to talk like you are in a hurry don’t do eye contact stop smiling answering fast and quickly make up a mood like “Say it fast I’m not in the mood” kind of way. You will know that you did it right when he comes to you some other time asking you if everything is alright and if he can help you. You will have to answer “yes, thanks for asking my FRIEND”.
This sounds like a couple characters I’ve known, and generally the only way to get the message across is telling them to fuck off directly. Which is, of course, a scary proposition. I’d speak to the building management people. If enough people complain they’ll evict him. You may not want to do that, but if he’s verbally threatening people he’s not far from physical assault.
Might be a silly suggestion but I would try and look as unattractive as possible when you know he’s around. Or say things that will turn him off. Hope he leaves you alone soon 🙁
Ohh I know this problem too well! I am a huge people pleaser so I’ll often just let people talk at me, whereas others are dismissive or bold enough to be assertive. The best approach I’ve found is just to always have a polite excuse to not chat or seem like you are in a rush.
Wearing earphones and taking a call (or even pretending to be on a call) should do the trick. You can do a motion by pointing to your earphones and/or say ‘sorry, I’d love to chat but I’m in a call’. If you get caught in the corridor you can say, ‘sorry I’m on my way to a meeting/running late to take a call’. He might think you’ve just got a new job that’s taking up a lot of time recently, you can even fib a little and say ‘promotion’.
I’d strongly avoid telling him that you simply don’t want to talk, especially if he is unpredictable- who knows how he will take it… you’re better off simply appearing busy/unavailable/in demand, he can’t disprove this and will gradually start to back off. He has likely taken a shining to you as you are new and have politely been open to chatting – which is such an easy mistake to make.
Also can’t hurt to throw in mentions of your boyfriend every now and then – some of the ‘calls’ you could even make a point of saying you’re speaking to your boyfriend
Listen, girl: Trust your guts. All this people saying “Oh no maybe he is neurodivergent, you’re being too judgy” r missing the point. Being neurodivergent is not an excuse for doing things like harassing people (like lately some people started trying to excuse themselves) or in this case to trheat others. Why in the world a woman should try to become closer to a person that makes her uncomfy?
Some other ways to get away from him: change the hours you do your gardening (how awful changing your routine thanks to a dude but oh well, we all did that).
When he comes just says you need to do other thing to do and go inside.
Constantly mention your husband in the conversation and when he is home call him outside.
Maybe with the time you can found a friend in your complex that you can call for backup. He is gonna leave when he stops to find you alone.
I think a lot of people saying ‘he’s just an odd duck’ and calling op judgemental for saying he wears tattered clothes and saying ‘oh he’s just lonely and wants to talk!’ have never been in this situation.
As someone who has, I can tell you ops feelings are valid. None of us are obligated to feel uncomfortable in our own space so another person (a stranger no less) can have social interaction. Period. End of story. If we don’t want to talk to someone in our own home, that’s an acceptable boundary.
This man sounds infatuated with her (which a lot of people seem to be ignoring…). It also sounds like he’s probably neurodivergent or mentally unwell. It’s absolutely fine to recognize this but also still feel that you do not want a 50 year old stranger infatuated with you.
Again.. as someone who’s worked with older men with various mental health issues and has had several of them become attached/infatuated, if you haven’t experienced this, please don’t judge op. You don’t have the context to properly give advice. Sorry. It feels scary even if you know it’s most likely not dangerous. And it’s extremely uncomfortable. And I don’t blame op one bit for wanting to keep her distance. As a care giver, I was obligated to reasonably tolerate this. Someone like op does not have that obligation.
We can understand differences and challenges without turning that into an obligation to tolerate behaviour that makes us uncomfortable.
Maybe wear really obvious headphones as a deterrent? I used to have a pair of Jabra earbuds that had a feature called “hear-through” that would let you listen to music but also be able to hear everything around you with pretty good clarity. I’m sure it would come in handy to be aware of your surroundings but still listen to music and look busy.
I’d move or kill him. I’ve seen where there was a man in a apartment complex that tried to kill a couple with an axe I think and they shot him after he busted through their door
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: straight men leave women alone challenge
He’s a 50 year old man c’mon. There’s no reason to be afraid to tell him to fuck off if he’s making u uncomfortable. Seriously what’s he gonna do? If he tries to attack you your bf can fuck him up with ease he’s old af and ur boyfriend is in his prime at 30
I would not upset the guy if I were you… It could get unpleasant