My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. We’ve been through tons of ups and downs, but for the most part have had a very strong relationship. Our daughter (16) is older now and we’ve started to hang out with other couples on the weekends for fun. This past weekend we took a long weekend trip with his sister and her husband as well as their two close friends who have only been married a few years. Everyone drinks a lot on these kinds of weekends. I’ve recently tried to dial that back because of all of the negative effects of alcohol being too much for me anymore. Because I was sober I noticed a lot of behaviors from the group including my husband.
The younger couple with us always talks about their sex life in a rather explicit way. The husband (late 30s) makes comments about letting the other guys “have” his wife (mid 20s) for a while. I’ll call her young wife for the purpose of this post. It is presented as a joke but is constantly a theme while drinking, and the men progress to aggressively flirt with this man’s wife the more they drink. The husband of young wife does attempt to flirt with me but I shut down comments quickly and don’t allow that behavior towards me. So no one is flirting with me. This has always made me very uncomfortable when we are around them. I’ve been SA’d in the past and have a very high guard up in general.
My husband clearly thinks young wife is attractive, because she truly is. She’s also very nice but incredibly naive. Im not sure how she really feels about it. I do think it makes her a bit uncomfortable at times but it also seems like she enjoys the attention too. I was dreading our trip with them because of all of this. A day or so in my husband got very drunk and put his hand on her leg while she was sitting in between us in a golf cart. Later she had changed to go to the pool and came down in her swimsuit with just a t-shirt and no pants. I caught my husband in the kitchen with her with his hand rubbing her lower back and he did that light “accidental” brush of her rear with his hand that guys do. I didn’t want to make a scene so I stayed in the kitchen and he just kept coming back to see if we were still there. His behavior was similar throughout the day and I called him out on it that night when we went to bed. We didn’t sleep and discussed it all night. He swore he isn’t trying to cheat on me. When we got home I left for three days and didn’t speak to him. When I got back I read his text messages and social media. He doesn’t have contact with her outside of when we see them in those social situations. He agreed to stop drinking and admitted how bad his behavior was.
Here is part of the issue. I mentioned my husbands sister and her husband. They are best friends with young wife and her husband. If we visit them they are always there too, they even come to holidays. I’m not mad at young wife, my husband was the one in the wrong. I don’t know how to handle being around them though. I don’t know how to handle all of this. I do think he has a little crush on her and has let it get out of hand, but I don’t believe he is physically cheating. I don’t know if I can be around the group which is complicated since they are family friends.
TLDR – Husband got drunk and handsy with a family friend. Don’t think he is actively cheating, but I don’t know how to handle being around them anymore.
35 comments
You have a party infused issue coming up around here. I noticed people to get involved with this it’s usually when they’re drinking or doing drugs. I believe the other husband is sort of angling that way also like he’s ready to loan his wife out and your husband is interested. He may also be self-conscious, which is why he keeps checking on you.
So you’re gonna have to make a decision whether you want to open your relationship a little bit and see what’s there or to close it. Frankly, I would set a boundary pack his bag and tell him not to come back until he’s decided that he wants to be married. But then I monogamous. You definitely have an issue there. Good luck
Around “them”. I would not want to be around my husband anymore if he did this. Being drunk in not a valid excuse.
spoken words & action during drunk state are the actual sober thinking & intentions so be extra careful & watch your husband.
best to NOT be with them anymore no matter what the reason will be – party or not its just allowing it to happened.
It seems like they wanted wife swap/orgy etc when it happened before & to me its just the wrong crowd. I hope your SIL & her husband are not a closet swingers & try to recruit you & your hubby during this party. If they are close friends so they MUST KNOW & its bullshit if they don’t.
If its my SO doing that, the same night itself he will be admitted to the hospital as I will karate-chop him!! & then I will tell SIL & husband to stay away from my life.
Young wife and her husband are swingers. They are more or less openly looking for other couples (or maybe just guys?) to swing with.
Your husband is drunkenly, half-assed interested but “forgot” that you and he haven’t had a discussion about being non-monogamous and probably also “forgot” that this would likely involve other guys having sex with you.
Since you’ve been together for 20 years, maybe you can have a conversation about this. I suspect that the whole thing will drop off the edge of the earth when husband realizes that such an arrangement will involve other guys banging you.
Your husband was trying to cheat and take advantage of the couple’s offer. He would just use alcohol as a scapegoat to get away with it. He may not want a relationship with her but it doesn’t mean he won’t fuck her. Your SIL can’t be cool with this unless they are swinging with this couple too. Your husband may be giving the narrative that you are cool with this. You and your husband should not be hanging out with this couple. Everyone is intentionally pushing boundaries. You already kept quiet. That didn’t help the situation at all. Everyone needs to know where you stand. If everyone chooses this couple over your marriage then you know where you stand.
The problem isn’t so much that you don’t know how to handle being around this couple, it’s that your husband apparently can’t handle being around them without acting inappropriately.
These people are likely just swingers. One can discuss whether it’s appropriate at all of them to be throwing around comments like that in such a setting, but they are probably just doing it to get a sense of where everyone else stands on the subject.
You and your husband aren’t swingers like them though. That’s why you reject any flirting directed at you. So, why doesn’t your husband do the same? Why does he not only get tempted by this, but also act on that temptation?
You say he swore he wasn’t trying to cheat on you, but what do you guys call this kind of behaviour then? The fact that you’re so taken aback by it suggests it’s not usual for you or your husband to run around being physically affectionate with people of the other sex, even when you’re drunk. So what do you call it when one of you decides to go beyond the boundaries you have both agreed on and presumably always mutually respected?
Your husband is being creepy and predatory. This a married woman 20 years younger than him – closer to your daughter’s age! I’m glad you spoke to him about but I would be really repulsed. I’m also glad you recognize that it’s not the young woman’s fault. Your husband alone is responsible for his behavior.
That said, if this is how he acts drunk, he needs to stop getting drunk. It’s completely unacceptable. I personally wouldn’t be interested in staying with someone that acts this way to women/lays the groundwork to cheat on me, but I’m hoping this is just a one off. I would wonder how he acts when you’re not around and he drinks though. Also, I’d put my foot down on no more group trips. Sorry. He can’t behave himself, no trips. Seeing them for a holiday or something is a lot less pressure, but there’s no reason to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable so your husband can act like a predator to someone half his age. Sucks for him.
I would really consider your relationship overall.
Time for the 2 of you to back out of these weekends for a while!
Is it possible SIL & BIL swing with this couple?
The husband sounds like a POS even to say things like that about his wife.
Your husband crossed a line rubbing her body.
He is testing
He may not have had sex with her, but in my opinion he already cheated. Touching another women that way is not something someone I’m dating or married to would EVER do. And if they did, I would be gone. It’s clearly sexual touch. And highly inappropriate for a monogamous relationship.
Is there a big age gap between young wife and her husband? I ask because her hot/cold behavior reads to me like a woman who isn’t actually into swinging but does it because her spouse likes it. I’ve seen it a LOT in age gap relationships, especially if there is any D/s at play. You describe her as naive and it may be that she got into this thinking it was what she wanted but as she’s gotten older she’s realizing she actually doesn’t.
Anyway. All that said—your husband is way out of line. My husband and I have been together for 22 years, and I would have his dick if he tried this sort of nonsense. Just as he would be ultra disappointed in me and pull the dad face if he saw me getting drunk and handsy with someone.
He may not have technically cheated, but he attempted. That’s why you feel gross and upset. You’re stuck wondering how far he would have gone if you hadn’t been there which is like emotional torture.
If you stay—counseling for sure. And don’t see this couple anymore. Ever. Draw a line and stick to it.
It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic. His bad behavior is part of it.
it sounds like they swing and want to see if you two are interested. i would certainly sit my husband down and tell him no , i am no way interested in that at all. And, if he is i would take steps to end the marriage. i would also cut back on the time i spent with his sister and her husband if they are always around them. If they come to holidays fine but I would tell my husband to keep his drinking under control. I might even tell the sister why you are uncomfortable and tell them
you want to still do things with them but not the other couple and next time they plan a trip be busy. All of this is reasonable and if feelings get hurt “oh Well”. I would rather be up front than continue to see them and be uncomfortable!!!
Gotta agree with everyone else, no matter what this girls husband is saying, **yours** needs to realize this isn’t a green light to grope and flirt with you as a live audience.
Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself in those moments.. it’s not okay. If his drinking causes him to disrespect your marriage and black out, he needs to seek support groups and go cold turkey immediately.
please don’t put yourself in anymore positions where you all are watching your spouses flirt with one woman.. literally nobody deserves that idc how pretty she is.
INFO- why does your husband not know how to act around other people? How on Earth does he think it’s ok to joke about sleeping with someone else, particularly in front of you? It’s very easy to shut this kind of thing down. Has he never turned down someone’s advances before? The leg and bum touching is outrageous.
Jesus every man in that group is a huge pig
They are probably into sharing his wife w other men or they’re swingers etc. Maybe you’re sister & husband are as well that’s why they’re around them all the time. I’ve read that people in this lifestyle do spend time together as a friend group but the do other things later on.
However no matter what THEY are into you and your husband are not. And therefore he should keep his hands to himself and just take a glance or 2 here & there like every other normal marked man. Yes we all look at attractive women and so do women look at men. This does not mean we don’t love our wives.
What it does mean is your husband got drunk and let his inside thoughts on the outside. He needs to realize you won’t tolerate that nonsense.
As far as them being around all the time this is something you & your husband need to discuss. If you enjoy spending time w them minus their sex talk then maybe talk to your sister and ask why they talk about sex so much and put young wife on display everywhere.
If she insists on them always being part of the friend group y’all have to make a decision on whether to stop hanging out w them or not.
If your husband has acknowledged his screw up and is now aware of what alcohol does to him and has said he won’t drink anymore maybe you won’t have to worry about what he may do while drunk on the outings together and y’all both enjoy watching the drunks goof around.
The main part I think is that you’ve made him aware of his drunken touching and he’s said he’ll stop drinking which is a good thing.
Doesn’t your sil and bil notice this behavior?
I saw this when I was a teenager with some of the men (40s & 50s) who ran in my parents circles. They lost their minds around 20 something women at parties when alcohol was involved. None of them were bad guys IMO. Just guys who had been married for a long time and did not know how to act when they were buzzed around very desirable women. I see this type of thing play out at conferences with married people of both genders. I’d just limit contact and discuss it with your husband. Alcohol and the dopamine hit of attractive young new people flirting with you is a hell of a combo.
Honestly, you should confide in your sister how you feel about all of this and ask her what she thinks. Your sister and brother in law may provide insight into this whole situation. As of now, your uncertainty about what to do next is largely because youre working with only your experience of this particular situation.
My husband and I have been married 22 years. Our #1 rule, NO DISRESPECT. Period. It has really saved us from having a lot of problems. If either of us feels disrespected the other must stop the behavior. Marriage is work but if the relationship I’d worth it than so is giving up behaviors that makes a partner unhappy.
Based on the info you provided; it sounds like the young wife might be following this life style partially because she enjoys the attention from the opposite sex, but mainly to satisfy a fetish her husband has, from what you said she is a naive woman is in her mid twenties and her husband is late 30s so I would imagine it is easy for him to convince her, heck, even I will say manipulate her into doing what he wants, butof course I have to keep in mind that she might be enjoying it but sometimes she gets overwhelmed by the amount of men flirting with her, I mean she’s ought to find one of them sleazy or creepy or ugly and my theory is nonsensical, anyways, that was a side thought, anyways, your husband has shown remorse for his actions, you said it is almost impossible to visit your SIL without seeing this couple, would it be the same if you invite your SIL more than visiting? At least on a temporary basis until your sense of discomfort is sorted out
Honestly all these people guessing what’s going on with Young wife couple really are guessing and you know what, it doesn’t matter. People have different levels of comfort with flirting.
You and your husband live by your agreed upon rules. It really has nothing to do with outsiders. You need to make sure, even drinking, he understands. Maybe he needs to stop drinking around then. So he can control himself.
He may not be cheating, but he’d like to be, lol. Sorry to say, ma’am. That alcohol lowered his inhibitions and his true wants came out. If given the chance, he’d love to fuck that girl.
Again, I’m sorry.
Until he can prove he isn’t a pos, my boundary would be no more hanging out with them. Yeah, that means not hanging out with sister and bil but, honestly, I’d confide in sister why.
Young wife’s husband is enticing men, including your husband and I think it’s intentional. He gets off on it and she probably is too. I doubt she’s as naive as you think. Thus group isn’t good for your marriage.
Sounds like a hotwife situation, he enjoys sgmharing his wife, or they maybe full swing, so you need to decide if this violates boundaries or if it’s something you are open to explore, hubby is definitely on board.
Hey my husband did this to one of my dearest friends. I almost divorced him because of it, our couples therapist talked me down. I stayed because he swore to stop drinking and he is still holding up that promise. Our relationship improved exponentially when he stopped drinking in so many ways I didn’t expect. I also have a lot more respect for him. If I were you, I’d take a step back from that couple and make quitting alcohol a hard boundary. You can do it with him if you want, but don’t take on all responsibility for his continued sobriety.
I think that by hanging out sober you will effectively solve this problem.
Just tell the other couple, in front of your husband, “we are not swingers. Stop suggesting my husband sleep with your wife.”
Of cause he hasn’t cheated YET, you stopped it. Let’s be honest here, if you didn’t do anything, he would’ve been fcking her and you know it! So stop being in denial! What’s gonna happen next time, when you’re not around? Are you gonna stop him from attending these get together, when you can’t make it.
Y’all need a new set of friends to hang out with
I’m glad you’re settling firm boundaries and he’s remorseful. One additional boundary I’d set up is that if this couple happens to be around, he does not drink at all.
The problem is not yours it’s your husbands.
He should not be putting you and him in that position and he should not be doing “that thing” with his hand.
He should be backing away from these meet ups at a fast rate of speed.
Keep your guard up and if I’m honest I would be looking heavily at your relationship with your husband to make sure you are protected. As you say you’ve had your ups and downs.
Ups are fine, downs … mmm. I’ve never done this kind of stuff at all, let alone around my wife.
Btw not all men do that “thing”. I’d be mortified if somebody thought I’d do that, so it’s not all men. And your husband is married to you and you are not in an open relationship, so he’s in the wrong.
Stay strong sister
You’re hanging out with gross people. Your husband is catching fleas.
Make new friends. It doesn’t have to be that he doesn’t see his sister. Start hosting and only invite them. Be clear you’re hosting *them only*.
Do me a favor. Sit your husband down and point out to him that the wife of the couple he is getting handsy with and is so attracted to is actually only 4 years older than your daughter. Ask him what he wants to do if when she hits 18 this couple wants to include her in their games? I’m sure she’s an attractive girl. If her boyfriend at 18 wants to “loan” her out to other guys that’s going to be just fine with dear old Dad right?
I mean children learn by example and she’s not stupid. So this is what he would want for your daughter right?
Hit him with that one and if it doesn’t make him sick then contact an attorney.