First I wanted to thank everyone who responded to the [first post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11liirb/people_dont_seem_to_like_my_30f_partner_30m_and_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) I made about this. The post really blew up while I was asleep and I didn’t get to interact with a number of people who posted some really insightful comments.
My original post was spurred on by us trying to conceive this year, and thinking about the big changes in lifestyle for us really started making me examine our relationship internally and externally. I thought I would clarify this quickly based on some of the comments and DMs I received (some very thoughtful, others less so…).
For me at least, having a child is going to mark a big shift in my life, I know that this means closing off one side of my sexuality for at least some number of years if not permanently, and truthfully that is what I want. But I had to be 100% sure that my partner was the right person to take this leap with. Also I’m financially stable on my own, prior the the pandemic I made more than he did, so I think some might have had the impression that I was just with him for money, I would be with him even if he was poor.
My concern toward my partner was that maybe the version of him I know and see wasn’t the real him because out of my friends circle he’s never really had any friends. I kept thinking maybe he’s a show off or mean to people, etc. and it was a hard feeling to shake. There were also a lot of people suggesting that he might be neurodivergent which started to get me thinking and doing a bit of investigating.
I did have a couple of contacts who I could reach out to that he’s worked with in the past and I could tease out some information without crossing any boundaries of current work, etc.
Well everything turned out to be much less eventful than imagined, but also somehow weirder. They both basically told me he’s a stand up guy, and one of the most competent people they’ve worked with. The only thing that stood out in the end was the he is “very wholesome, very professional, a lot of people think he’s very religious “. 😂😂😂😂
Now I have no idea if this is the problem or not, but it made me burst laughing when they said that because he is not religious at all, and I have no idea how anyone could get that impression for him. The only thing I could imagine is simply his work with the non profit that he does talk about since it’s a big passion of his.
Now the neurodivergence suggestion. Honestly I did a bunch of reading about it and watching him over the past month and while I appreciate that a lot of people connected with that and DM’d me about that specifically, there’s really nothing there to suggest to me that would be something he has or is dealing with. From what I can see all around is that he simply likes some very specific things and I know he’s not going to make conversation about team sports, or the latest Marvel/Star Wars shows.
So eventually I had a conversation with him about all this, and again no real drama. He was feeling a lot of this himself and to keep it short and simple, he basically said that he would be fine having no friends but he’s so happy and grateful that he has me and my friends.
I’m sorry if this seemed a bit of a ramble on, and I’m not really sure if this answers any deep questions about anything really. I just feel really lucky to be with a great man who I can trust in any situation, and it seems the feeling is mutual on his end. I really got myself worked up over a whole lot of nothing. This might be one of the least interesting or eventful updates in Reddit history and I’m glad for that 😂.
What prompted me to write an update is that I just confirmed that we are going to be parents…to twins!!! But I am also grateful to all the people who commented on the last post helping me get through a moment of craziness, and I saw that a lot of people connected with our situation so I wanted to give an update even if it is a boring one.
5 comments
Wow congrats, that’s so great for you!
Awww, I’m glad you have such a great guy and that you were able to get to the (bizarre) root of things!! He sounds really awesome and I would totally be friends with someone like that!! I wish you both the best. 💜💜
that’s sweet, but i really think he needs some friends that aren’t just ‘wife friends’. if he’s into nerd shit, there are nerds floating about who are into the same shit
I’m just going to point out. He is an engineer. (I am one too). We have a hard time being human sometimes.
Literally, I have my husband, and a friend from childhood that lives on the other side of the country. Last time I made a friend, she turned into a stalker.
For your BIL, ego and pride can really get in the way when someone seems overly competent. From his POV, your husband is a high earner, does charity work, is a DIY master, and the list goes on. Your BIL probably won’t ask for help to get off of a sinking boat if he has to ask your husband.
And your parents might be picking up on BIL’s insecurity and are trying to speak kindly of him. Often we give attention to the squeaky wheel and ignore the people who quietly just get the job done. Never realizing that they need appreciation and acknowledgement as well.
Because we tend to have our heads in the clouds or hyper focus on a topic, engineers are well known for lacking social skills. Sometimes we see more of a friendship than is actually there, and we miss red flags all of the time.
Things you can do. Speak positively of your husband to your parents. Tell them of the cool things he does. If they hear about it, they will repeat it.
Otherwise, just love him. You and the kids will do more to give him a sense of community than anything else. He will always be overly passionate about some topics, and that will put some people off.
My only caution is that you both should work on open and clear communication. More often than not, engineers don’t seem to understand the importance of communication. I like to recommend “crucial conversations” as a great starting resource for improving communication. Especially for us engineers. It breaks down a lot of social situations into helpful step by step equations that are easier for an analytical mind to digest.
If people come off as religious to me, I will avoid them or make less contact for the purpose of respect. I have this feeling like I would do or say something that may be taken offensive and I just try to protect them from that.
I had a girl that liked me very much and in the end of our fling things didn’t quite work out because it was hard for me to cross boundaries with her. I always saw her going to Bible studies and keeping a stand up posture. Whenever she would tell me what she didn’t like guys doing, she ended up wanting me to do that. Communication on that level was entirely difficult. I just respected her too much to want to put her in a position I felt she would be uncomfortable in.
On the flipside, I’ve had women tell me I’m too intimidating and that’s why they didn’t make a move. One told me she had to get drinks in her to try something even though we were close. Meh, it is what it is.
Congrats on the twins! May you and yours live a happy and fulfilling life.