As of 4 weeks ago I decided to get divorced. Married 10 years, 2 young kids. Grieving for the life I had bc I really thought I was happy.
5 years ago my STBXH cheated on me and I forgave him. I recently found out he also cheated on me 4 years ago and I do not forgive him.
2 days after I found out about the cheating, he tells me he has been abusing alcohol and the past 3 years he has been drinking every day and hiding it from me. (I asked how much he’s been drinking, he said on a light night 3-4 beers and a heavy night 6-7 beers). I had no idea. He claims the alcohol and hangovers are what escalated many of our arguments.
I am filled with rage and using my rage as a jet pack to get out of this marriage. I feel really powerful. And surprisingly calm.
I proposed we do a 3 month trial separation / transition phase and he lives in the basement. I don’t know if that’s a bad idea or it will give him false hope but I feel it’s needed to press the pause button and figure out the childcare situation. But maybe it’s a bad idea and we should just rip off the bandaid since I’ve already made up my mind. Any experiences w trial separation? Mostly I just need time to figure out the financial situation.
Also he has been going to AA every day the past 4 weeks and we are both 4 weeks sober (I have no interest in alcohol even though I didn’t have a bad relationship with alcohol, now that it’s destroyed my marriage). He is very remorseful and says he is changing. I believe he is a good person at heart but bottom line is that I feel I deserve better.
He’s also been gaslighting me and saying rude things to me for years, saying I have no empathy, I’m abusive. I’m done.
I just need to keep reminding myself to be strong. It sucks feeling like it’s my choice to break apart our family; it was him who made the choices. How do I keep this strength and not doubt my choice?
17 comments
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You could try journaling your thoughts about this, to use as reference when you need. Write out what you *need* in a partner, what you would *like* in a partner, and what you *avoid* in a partner. Compare that to where your husband is at *right now,* and look at the discrepancies with a sense of wisdom. Best of luck to you.
It is three big strikes. I would give it a serious effort if he only had one, but not all three.
I am no doctor, but a professional alcoholic is unlikely to Get so hangover that it should impact fights at 3-7 beers, unless they have a really high %. If the alcohol content was that high you likely would have noticed the smell. So I think he is lying about this one too, basically either he drank much more or he is creating a scenario where the things he did could be explained by a horrible addiction.
In the off chance he is telling the truth and alcohol did all of these things, it is possible, it would be logical for him to make sure you and the children is financially secure before discussing anything. After all he cannot be trusted, hence this should be his first priority.
4 weeks is nothing. He is not changed, he has not made amends, and he is not worth forgiving again. Move on.
If you’re so abusive and shitty as a partner, why would he want to convince you to stay?
He’s trying to make you feel worthless so you’ll accept his bare minimums and continue dealing with his bullshit behavior because you’ll feel you deserve it/owe it to him.
Fuck that.
I was shocked at the grief I was going through in this divorce.
I learned that there is a grieving process even getting out of a toxic relationship
He *only* began AA when you told him you were done? That’s a no-go! Even if he gets on the wagon and stays on the wagon, you don’t have to give him another chance. He’s had 10+ years of chances and f*cked every one of them up.
If/when he tells you he’s “changed,” congratulate him and tell him you hope his sobriety sticks and he has healthier relationships going forward because that can only be of benefit to your children, but you, personally, are not interested in doing anything with him except co-parenting.
Think of all those nasty things he said to you that you ignored and let slide all those years. He was never sorry about the cheating. Focus on keeping your mind and body busy. Do things that you’ve always wanted to because other things / people came first.
I just want to point out that alcohol did not destroy your marriage or family. Your husband did. It was a choice he made both times he was unfaithful. He is gaslighting you into placing blame anywhere he can because he doesn’t want to be held accountable. Don’t let it work. (Also, if he cheated 5 years ago and 4 years ago, he likely cheated 2 and 3 years ago, and last year, too.)
I’ve been where you are, and I know how hard it is. You are doing great, and you are strong enough to get through this! You will be smarter and stronger in the end. Maintain your focus on you and your children. Therapy for any or all of you can also be a huge help if you feel any of you may need it.
as often, i don’t have enough info to give a proper advice.
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but of what you told, he is an alcoholic and as such he is untrustfull. his cheating and abuse have their source in the alcohol. but it doesn’t means he is not accountable.
he will not get out of it before hiting the bottom. and it may be you leaving him.
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so basically your choice is staying with adverse chance of resolving the issue, or leaving with the near certainty that he will get out in the next five years, but not profiting of hte love you gave him.
hard decision.
Good. For. You. We all know the doubts will creep up at times, but you have two children to raise, you have to live the example of whatever boundaries you want for them.
You’re right that it was his choice, so when you start to doubt just remind yourself that he cheated. He hid his drinking, and then he cheated and kept it from you. At any time he could have been 100% honest, but he chose not to until he was caught.
The gaslighting and pure meanness (so, emotional abuse) would be enough to leave without the cheating. Also, repeated cheating is abuse.
There is always journaling, ofc therapy, time with kids, family, and friends…but don’t forget to come back and read this post and the replies. He can be good-hearted all he wants on your mind, but it doesn’t negate him gaslighting, lying, or cheating. Get angry and be okay in that anger to process it. Find your friend(s) who you can lift each other up, vent about it but not dwell together-because what a sh!t a$$!-and focus on making as independent a life as possible.
The real issue for me here is that regardless if alcohol, he cheated on you twice and you are still accepting and overlooking that. He wasn’t even drinking at the time, just a failure of a husband and a father. I would consider that alone reason to break up with him, the alcohol addiction is just the icing on the shit cake he has brought to you.
Whether or not you eventually get back with a sober him, see this divorce right through. It’ll be better for you to approach a reconciliation as a single person with duly separate finances and a home if your own rather than be strung along while in a separation limbo.
Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row!!
It’s not just his drinking, it’s the lies and cheating too. You deserve better!
The cleanest cut heals the quickest. Also, try Alanon. You will learn a lot for strength now and in the future.
Why did you marry him? Seriously, I’m not trying to be snide or sarcastic. What did you see in him to make those vows 10 years ago?
Cheaters cheat. This isn’t your choice. He failed you as a partner.
Please be careful about a trial separation where you’re still living in the same house. Especially if he’s been gaslighting you and manipulating you for years, which it sounds like he has been. If he’s going to escalate to physical abuse, now is the time when it’s most likely to happen.
We had a family friend in a similar situation like 5 or 6 years back. He was living in the basement as she was trying to ease them apart after about 10 years together, but didn’t want to hurt him by just cutting things off all at once.
Which worked great for them, right up until he finally grasped that she didn’t intend for them to reconcile, and he turned on her and beat her so badly she needed emergency reconstructive surgery to save her eye after he crushed the bone around it.
Your STBX may never turn physically violent. But the most dangerous time to be around your abuser is when you’re working on escaping. If it becomes clear to him that you’re not buying his whole Reformed Man Schick, things may escalate. Better to make a clean break than have a potential time bomb in your house.
(maybe I’m being alarmist, but…that whole incident with the family friend and her STBX really left an impression on me, and better safe than sorry imo.)
I agree your marriage is over, and you will come out of this happier. I think you should do whatever will make this transition better for you and your kids. If you think he can handle the truth and move into the basement without going off the rails into a bender, or running away entirely then the best thing would be to tell him it’s over, have him move into the basement and start figuring out schedules and details hopefully peacefully. But I’m concerned that you might end up single parenting for a month while he falls apart and then starts to function again. And you might sprain an eyeball when he claims you blindsided him and he has no idea why you’re feeling this way!