My (27F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for roughly 8 months. He works in finance and typically works 60-80 hour days, 5 days a week. He is also studying (mostly on the weekends) for a licensure exam he plans to take later in the year. I love him dearly and support his work goals wholeheartedly. We’ve pretty much discussed how we both see this relationship lasting long-term with marriage as the end-goal, so I appreciate him even more for working so hard in order to make a better future for us. I try my best to accommodate his busy schedule by leaving him alone when he’s busy and not being upset when he isn’t the most communicative. But I will admit, as the months pass by, I do sometimes feel neglected.
I’ve brought this up with him, and he’s been really sweet about it. He recognized and apologized for our lack of quality time because of his busy schedule and promised that he’ll try to be more communicative in the future. I also brought up the fact that I get disappointed when he would suggest something for us to do later in the week, only for him to not follow through because he is either studying, making-up work that he’s behind on or just plain exhausted. And as a response, he did also make the promise not to make plans with me when he doesn’t know for sure if he can follow through with them so I don’t sit around at home waiting for him, only to be let down.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve brought it up, and already I can see a change in the frequency he texts, just to keep that line of communication open. Overall, things are okay, and I am glad I brought up my feelings to him and that he is actively making a change. I understand that this is something that is just part of his life, and that (at least in the foreseeable future) this is his work hours. But I fear that this feeling of neglect is going to creep up on me again, despite knowing and accepting things as it is. He’s a great guy and this isn’t something worth breaking up for, in my opinion. But I also don’t want him to resent me or think I want him to un-prioritize work.
So I guess my question is: What else can I do to support my boyfriend who works crazy hours to show him that I support him and his career while also not beating around the bush when I start to feel like I need some quality time from him from time to time?
Sorry if this is a jumbled mess of text, hopefully, it made sense. But any ideas are welcome. Thanks!
14 comments
Understand what he’s doing and recognize and appreciate that when he DOES have time, he spends it with you. PLEASE don’t give him shit about your feelings. Think about what your feelings are and why you are having them rather than acting on them?
He is doing what needs to be done. Dont give him hard time
I say this respectfully, and as someone that is extremely career oriented — people make time for what they care about.
It seems like he has a lot to focus on right now – and a relationship may be distracting.
Perhaps, have an honest conversation about his priorities right now. Being ambitious in your career can make relationships suffer; and it appears you are in the midst of that right now my friend. I wish you well!
Maybe ask if he could afford (time wise) to take a Friday off to spend with you?
Ask him.
If you feel like your needs are not being met, find someone else. If you can compromise with him, stay with him.
I’m not a man but I’ve been there, my boyfriend worked 60-80 hours a week and my job doesn’t do overtime. communication is key, find time that works around your job, plan date nights and make the best out of little things. it’s been on and off with him working that much, I’ve had 2-3 jobs at a time before while with him and we’re going on 2.5 years strong
Regarding the time he promised he didnt follow through with doing something with you during the week:
I feel this. His side. He is sensing you are disappointed and he too misses you and WANTS to do something with you during the week. So he hedges or suggests he will be available. But then assignments take longer and jesus fucking christ he is being responsible to his original goals and killer commitments, he is honoring his values which, in the beginning of your message—you lead saying you support him. But do you? It’s not like he’s having a party loving his assignments, choosing them over you. Homework and school are not a soothing break from his work schedule. Can we safely say he would prefer to be with you than finishing his work? He’s not playing a game or going out with friends, or just relaxing alone, which he probably needs too.
Consider the life and schedule but also the immense pressures of employees in every rung of finance. How well versed are you in this? Have you taken interest? Have you asked him? Asking him how you can support him would be the best approach. After the semester exams are over, let him know that you would like to chat sometime when he is free and start there
You’re doing an amazing job as his lady supporting his goals, and respecting his boundaries. You both have needs, and you both agreed to be in a relationship at this point in time.
As a med student, there’s high priority towards school (~70 hours/week) because the work you put in is what you get out. However, it’s important to have time to ourselves to recoup. So I can somewhat see it from his perspective.
Perhaps you two can schedule one or two days out of the week to connect. Meet in person, call each other. The good thing is that this is a temporary phase. It’s tough for the both of you now, but he will look back to this period of his life and see the love, support, trust and patience you put forth. Continue to discuss your needs with him. Hope you two remain strong!
You seem very reasonable but the best you can do is try not to upset him the way you’ve been doing
Honestly why not setup a vacation together to look forward to perhaps after the license exam? That way you both have a quality time event to look forward to
He’s doing all this work for your future together & perhaps he’s worried that if he slows down, that future will be farther away
In terms of daily support you could help make his day faster like clearing house stuff that normally delays his time to rest from work?
You come second to a bunch of numbers on a screen. This will be your lives together now and in the future. Finance types are driven by the acquisition of wealth and have no concept of ‘enough’. There is no point where the current situation will change.
Just be aware of that.
Tldr.
Offer a girl for a threesome. Best surprise ever.
This may or may not apply.
I don’t work long hours (I work a regular 40), but my 40 hours are pretty intense. I’ve also found myself in a spot where I’m the organizer/decision maker in most of my relationships. And it is absolutely exhausting. And I so desperately long for someone to occasionally just take care of arrangements and tell me what to do.
If he gets decision making fatigue, try to alleviate some of that. If you have a decent idea of what his schedule looks like and when he takes breaks, bring him food that he likes and eat with him. Do things like that, which both takes a bit of pressure off him and lets you get some time with him.
The guy’s working 80 hours a week and studying and listening to you and trying to take your feelings into account and and and and …
How about understand this is something he has to do for now, for short term, to set the two of you up for better things later on, and stop nagging him. If he was putting friends first or playing video games or was ignoring you then you’d have a legit gripe, but you know that’s not the case. Get off his back before he begins to resent you.