Me (26M) and my gf (26F) have been together for 5 years, the last year of which has been long-distance (i’m in grad school for two more years and she got a killer job so it makes the most sense for now). Since we are trying to make long-distance work, I thought it would be a good idea to do monthly check-ins: Things I appreciate about you/am grateful for, Things I you did that were awesome, Things that could be better, etc.
I find with long-distance, it becomes a lot more difficult to address any issues in the relationship since you have fewer moments to spend quality time together and want to keep things happy/fun. However, it ended up leading to unresolved conflicts that would build up and get blown out of proportion. Hence my suggestion for the monthly check-ins. We agreed that if anything immediately serious comes up, we have a safe word to let the other now there is something that needs to be discussed, which has been working so far. Otherwise, we will just wait until the end of the month for the check-ins.
We’ve been doing this for about five months now, but I feel like i’m the only one emotionally invested in our check-ins. For instance, If I don’t bring the meetings up, we would never actually have them. On top of that, it feels like i’m the only one that brings things up that upset me or made my happy. I know what you’re thinking. Surely it’s a good thing if there is nothing for her to bring up. I totally agree. The thing is, my gf’s personality is very laid back. Given the option between reflecting/thinking of her own ideas about something vs just saying “idk” or copying the answer of someone else, she’ll choose the latter. I’ve called her out on this as well. In addition to her defensive nature to the slightest criticism (trauma from her hypercritical parents), I feel like these monthly check-ins aren’t achieving the desired goal.
Is there something I am doing wrong? Should I be going about this a different way? All I want is for us to continue to grow together, but it feels somewhat one-sided. I know her past trauma is it’s own beast that needs to be addressed as well. No idea how to go about that one, but I’m really curious how else we can both feel comfortable bringing things up in the relationship.
TL;DR: My gf and I struggle to communicate in a way that productively grows our relationship so we can become better partners to one another and so I am looking for any suggestions.
2 comments
>We’ve been doing this for about five months now, but I feel like i’m the only one emotionally invested in our check-ins. For instance, If I don’t bring the meetings up, we would never actually have them.
Sounds like she thinks its a chore. And honestly, it can definitely feel like that.
Both of you need to be taking part in this equally…or it wont work. Maybe make it feel less like work/school, because thats probably how she views it.
Sounds like the check-ins were a good idea but they’re not working. Maybe they’d work in another relationship/with another person/at another time. And if seems like they’re not actually needed in this case, either — your “safe word” system *is* working to surface potential issues, yes? Makes sense to drop the check-ins, at least as a formal thing. Maybe you can just remember once a month to ask her specifically whether anything with the relationship has been bothering her that hasn’t been previously raised, and if not, then move on to other topics.