Say Spouse X cooks dinner on Saturday night. They ask Spouse Y, “since I cooked dinner, could you clean up from dinner? I’m tired and want to go to bed.” Spouse Y agrees. Y loads the dishwasher and puts away most of the food, but leaves out a pot full of rice and two pans on the stove, because they won’t all fit in the dishwasher at the same time.
Neither work on Sunday.
Monday morning, the pots and pans are still there, including a pot full of rice that is now gone bad. X mentions to Y that they are frustrated because Y agreed to clean up from dinner and never finished. X says that if Y wanted to leave some of the pans until the next morning it was totally understandable, but that Y never finished what they said they would do.
Y gets upset because they claim they did their part and did the necessary stuff so that X could go to bed, and that was all the request implied. Y says X is being “rude” and “obnoxious” and “asking me to read your mind”. Y said they would have been glad to wash the pots and pans on Sunday if X had asked them. Y insists that X was being unquestionably rude, that anyone would agree with them, and Y needs it “explained” to them why it was so rude. The critical element is apparently the reason that X asked for Y’s help — because they wanted to go to bed. Y facilitated that, and that was all that was needed/requested.
Do you think this was rude/obnoxious? Do you think it is or is not assumed that when one person is asked to clean up from dinner it should involve putting away all food and dealing with pots and pans, or is that asking someone to read your mind?
In case the context is important, both spouses work full time and X both cooks and cleans up from dinner most nights.
Trying to stay gender neutral here to avoid bias. Please don’t make assumptions. Thanks!
42 comments
Yes, it includes the whole job, all the work including the mental work of remembering to finish it the next day.
Y is acting like a child. Not cleaning the pots and pans because they weren’t specifically asked is ridiculous. If I ask someone to clean the bathroom, I wouldn’t specify to clean the counters, the toilet, the floors, and the tub. I would just trust them to know that cleaning the bathroom means cleaning the bathroom.
Doing the dishes includes:
1. Pot, pans, cups, bowls, plates and silverware.
2. Wiping down all cooking surfaces, stove included.
3. Sweeping/mopping the kitchen floor.
4. Wiping off the dining room table.
5. Putting away the clean dishes after they dry.
Sounds like you need to start from scratch about how to share chores. This wouldn’t be an issue if you both felt your partner was pulling their weight day-to-day. I normally clean pots and pans after dinner, my husband might not, but he does enough around the house that I don’t feel like he’s being lazy if he doesn’t get to a couple of pots. If he doesn’t do them, I will, and he’ll finish jobs I don’t get to other times.
If the pots don’t fit in the first load of the dishwasher, but they’ve been emptied and put in the sink (which I realize they weren’t in this instance), I think I would be ok with that. Once the clean dishes are put up, then the pots and pans go in the dishwasher –or are handwashed. The fact that food was left out for days in another issue entirely. Sometimes I might wait for food to cool down, then put in a smaller container to go in the fridge, but anything that’s left out for days is trashed.
I can’t tell you what to do because it comes down to your feelings but I will tell you this:
I was X for many years – almost a decade. At a certain point, I decided to choose myself and choose preserving my sanity. It was too much for me to constantly have to clean up after two capable adults and manage my spouse and my home because I knew he wouldn’t step up without me specifically requesting he participate.
Eventually I realized that if I was single and lived alone I’d be so much happier and less stressed out and have more time in the day to do things that I enjoy and to take care of myself. I was spending way too much time and energy trying to keep things healthy and livable and I was turning into someone angry and frustrated as I realized my efforts were completely taken for granted and that he’d never see it as his responsibility too. No matter how much I begged and pleaded for effort.. the help never came and I was gaslit and told I was a nag over and over.
Letting go of that responsibility has been so freeing and I feel like I can finally be myself again. I know you love your partner but make sure you are loving yourself the same.
It includes the entire damn kitchen.
Did they leave the sides off the menu and just give you the entree?? Probably not.
I’ve started rephrasing to “cleaning the kitchen” because it’s not just dishes and pots and pans that need to be cleaned. Counters and stove need to be done too. Food needs to be taken care of. Whatever. I’ve learned that some people take things so literally that just rephrasing it does wonders.
Doing the dishes/kitchen:
1. Wash/load/unload whatever all dishes, including pots and pans.
2. Wipe all of the counters and the table down.
3. Rinse the sink and run the dishwasher
Doing pots and pans is definitely part of doing the dishes.
Even if a pan or pot is left to soak overnight, they should still be done by the person doing the dishes.
Leaving food on the stove to rot because ‘I wasn’t asked to clean it up’ is just ignorant.
Cook supper or clean up from supper (aka do the dishes) are the options in our house, to help each other out.
Of course it includes the pots and pans.
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It feels like Y is using weaponized incompetence to try and make it so X doesn’t ask them to do things in the future.
X said “clean up from dinner.” That means leaving the kitchen clean and includes:
+ Cleaning all dishes (including putting away clean dishes and starting the dishwasher if necessary)
+ Putting away any ingredients and leftovers properly
+ Wiping down the table, stovetop, and counters
+ Cleaning the sink once dishes are done
+ Spot cleaning any noticeable spills from the floor
Everything it would take to reset the kitchen to the state it was in before X started cooking dinner. The reason why they’re being asked to do it doesn’t change the scope of the task.
Everything used to make the meal
Yes. Pots and pans, and putting away leftovers is included in dinner clean up. Y is being defensive, perhaps X was indeed rude about it, probably because X doesn’t want to have to hold Y’s hand through basic clean up (we’re all adults right?). The judge (me) has decided in favor of X.
It includes everything used to prepare and consume the food along with putting away leftovers and wiping the stove, countertops and table. Y is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing it.
Yes. It includes the pots and the pans.
Spouse Y was supposed to clean up the whole job. Extra food it in containers for the refrigerator or tossed if for some reason X and Y refuse to eat leftovers. Pots hand washed if there was no room in the dishwasher. Cleaned up after dinner means restoring the kitchen to previous condition prior to cooking. Spouse Y is an AH trying to get out of doing the hard work.
Y is being an idiot. Obviously cleaning up counts pots and pans. Even if it means leaving a pot or pan to soak and then getting to it later. If Y needs to be micromanaged that much there’s a problem
Yes it does.
Is it dirty?
Is it dirty as a result of dinner being cooked?
Then clean it.
I cannot believe the amount of posts I see where people do not understand how to look after themselves or their house. What would they do if they weren’t married??? Leave pots on the stove indefinitely and use paper plates????
“Cleaning up” from dinner means clean up the whole area. Pots, pans, dishes, put leftovers away. In my house this also means wiping down the counters and dinner table and sweeping the floor if needed.
Y did a half assed job.
Yes it includes pot and pans. In what world is doing the dishes not include pots and pans? That’s some ridiculousness trying to justify it by saying the pots and pans weren’t specified. I understand leaving a pot of pan out till the next morning to soak or whatever but with food in them? No. That’s nasty. And rude.
Yes. Yes, it does.
This isn’t about dishes. It’s about pulling your weight and sharing the load, especially when you’re spouse is in need for whatever reason. You shouldn’t have to tell this person to help. They should just pitch in and help. I don’t care if it’s dishes, pots, washing pasta sauce off the dog, etc., if you genuinely care about your spouse you just do. You look for more to do to just to help.
Problem is that by cooking and cleaning every night you transformed your spouse into a spoiled, selfish child.
Yes!
Y has unilaterally put X in charge of the mental load, and will only help when specifically requested and only the bare minimum? Y is being unreasonable and flat out childish to expect X to hold their hand through house work, and treating it like doing X a favour when in reality it is just as much their responsibility.
You were very clear. You asked them to clean up the dinner dishES so you could go to bed. You weren’t expecting them to read your mind by expecting them to do ALL of the dinner dishes. If you were fine with leaving food and dishes all over the counters, why would the conversation even be had in the first place? I’m tempted to say weaponized incompetence.
Edit: childish not ‘childest’
I’m mostly confused that 3 dirty pots and leftovers sat somewhere all day Sunday and it was never addressed??
I do not understand all the conversations about who should do what – in our home, whoever sees something that needs done does it.
In this instance, if I asked my partner to finish up, and I got up Sunday morning and some things were still there to be done, I would have done them. Because, I’m sure that he had a valid reason for leaving them, and we care for each other.
Doing the dishes is just another word for cleaning up the kitchen in general, like doing the laundry implies folding and putting the clothes away.
To me, doing the dishes means all of the dishes, including pots and pans. It also includes either throwing away or refrigerating leftovers, and cleaning up any cooking mess on the counters. I think that’s fair when the other has cooked.
If I for some reason felt I wasn’t up to doing the pots and pans, I would tell my spouse sorry, I’m too tired or whatever, but I will do them in the morning. And then I will do them in the morning.
Y is being deliberately disingenuous to get out of the full chore, in my opinion. If you can’t be bothered, at least just admit that! We all feel that way sometimes. And calling X rude and obnoxious was out of line.
That’s just short for the entire kitchen, all clean up. And not just the dishes. You gotta wash the sink after dishes, wipe down everything, put shit away. Like it’s a whole list my dude.
Everything including the sink basin.
Y is in the wrong. The mentality of “helping” X needs to go. Y needs to assume some responsibility for maintaining the household.
X shouldn’t have to ask Y to do the obvious. Y is being an idiot. Wash everything or it doesn’t get washed, they cannot simply leave it for someone else to pick up the half assed job. Simple as that.
Yes, even my teens know this.
Yes, of course, pots and pans are dishes.
What Spouse Y is doing is called weaponized incompetence. They are ensuring that they are never asked to clean the kitchen again.
Y does not want to do the dishes so they screw up the job and pick a fight with x. Y makes this situation frustrating for x so in the future x will just do the dishes themselves. Y would rather do a shitty job, play dumb, and pick a fight, than just do their share.
Dishes is all dishes. Plates, silverware, putting food away, cleaning pots and pans, AND cleaning the counters and stove.
This sub is like r/flatmateswhohavesex sometimes
Includes the whole kitchen IMO. Not like spotless but all dishes used and any small spills on countertops (my kitchen is very small though, so this is an easy ask)
In our house, “doing the dishes” means cleaning any and all things used for cooking the meal. The sink is empty, the counters (and stove if it is cool enough) are wiped down, and the floor is sweeped/vacuumed.