Cooking disaster with frying oil. Went to the ER, her face is wrapped up now and we’re going to see burn specialists today.
Obviously not going into work today so I can assist her with anything that I can, but wondering if anyone who has gone through anything similar – what can I do to be there for her and ease things?
Her main concern is that she’ll be ugly for life. I’ve been telling her the burns can heal and showing her people who have recovered. Just a few minutes ago I got up to take the kids to school and she joked, “did my monster face scare you away”.
I’m worried about her mental health and I feel super useless. Any tips for me? Because I’m worried I’m not thinking clearly either.
For additional context, I’m planning to go into work tomorrow because I’m paid hourly and am the only income earner in our household. We have children ages 4,7,10, and 12. I should be able to get rides for the kids, and if not I’ll just be leaving work early.
40 comments
Play it by ear.
Her humor towards it is reassuring.
Just be compassionate and available, if you’re not sure how she’s feeling talk to her about it without being pestering.
She probably needs some trauma therapy too.
I’m very very sorry and i pray for her faster recovery.
Things will take time and you can’t push time faster.
Try to keep things simple and safe.
Don’t rush on roads, driving or on stairs.
Seek help from friends, family and neighbours. Dont shy.
Keep eating good food and try not to compromise on sleep.
Your efforts might not look heroic to you but believe me they already are.
Just be there for her, you actually already are. She will take time to recover but pls don’t burden yourself with excessive guilt.
Praying for your wife and your family
( It all is based on my own personal experience)
🙏
Very sorry to hear. Wishing you guys a speedy recovery. As mentioned above trauma therapy for her later on might be necessary, all you can do is go with the flow and keep being supportive as you already are 🙂
This just happened it is a major trauma your wife is dealing with. It is probably unlikely see will just get over it any time soon.
I would ask the doctor/nurse to share the resource sheet with you. Burn wards usually have a file put together that has tons of local resources for burn patients. Therapists, aftercare specialists etc all the way down to best otc for scar prevention etc.
It would be very painful, as the nerves regenerate it will be more painful. Just be there for her as much as you can. The process will be really awful, I am so sorry.
I’m so sorry this happened. When her injuries are addressed and taken care of, you can consider taking her to a plastic surgeon who specializes in aftercare for burns. They’ll be able to help assess to see if they can help reduce scarring and stuff like that. Sending so much strength and love to your wife!! 💖
I think you’re right to have concerns for her mental health in addition to physical recovery. She might be trying to mentally prepare herself for “being ugly forever” and that can be something people could be very anxious about.
I’d strongly suggest ensuring that this part of her recovery is handled as well, by a professional. As for what to do within the marriage, just do what you always would do; be there, be as helpful and supportive as possible, and let her journey through the whole process on her own, but with you right behind her if/when she needs you.
I’m so sorry. My sister was bit on the nose by a dog (took a chunk of her nose), so not anywhere close to a burn, but you wouldn’t even know it unless she told you because of the reconstructive surgeries and procedures she had to minimize scarring and repair her nose. If you didn’t consult a plastic surgeon at the hospital I would at least look into consulting one or a few to see what your potential options are. Plastic surgeons can do amazing work for reconstruction after burns, injuries, etc.
Can’t avoid it if she brings it up, but I wouldn’t bring up her looks. You probably want to tell her that she’s beautiful, things heal, etc. But she knows that burn victims don’t fit traditional beauty standards.
I’d focus instead on how glad you are that she wasn’t hurt worse and that she didn’t lose an eye or something similar that would affect her quality of life. Or that it didn’t go deep enough for her to get nerve damage. If the pain has gone down and/or there’s signs it won’t be chronic, be openly grateful for that. While you’re at it, I’d thank the nurses/doctors who took care of the injury for helping, too – both so she sees that health is your priority, not her looks, and because it’s nice for the nurses and docs.
You’ll want to reassure her that she’s still beautiful and loveable to you, but that’ll just draw her mind towards it and she’ll know that you’d say that whether you think she’s ugly or not. Instead, try to spend time with her without actively reassuring her. Just spending time and acting normal and talking about the future can be reassuring that it won’t affect your marriage as much as she may worry. Also, pinching her butt or (once she’s out of the hospital) going out of your way to get a look when she’s changing clothes – things that show you still find her attractive.
Try to keep an eye on your language. Instead of ‘we don’t know how bad it’ll be,’ you could say ‘we don’t know how extensive it’ll be’ or ‘how big.’
Beauty standards are weird when you take a step back. In circles where everyone gets plastic surgery (some celebrity circles) to meet the ideal, you start to notice that they all look the same and the ideal doesn’t really matter anymore. Instead of value judgement based on something subjective, we should appreciate the diversity of human appearances. Once we take a step back it’s pretty cool.
Also, since she’s joking, if you think she’ll take it well: if she calls herself ugly, “we’ll I’d say the oil made your face pretty hot.” Or other heat/hotness jokes. Or ‘you were keeping away wrinkles too well and weren’t getting miles so god had to put something on your face.’
Edit: also I may be reading into it, but you gave detail on why you need to go to work and I wonder if it’s partly because you feel guilty not being able to stay with her. Want to make sure you know: you’re doing the right thing. You’re taking care of your family.
Also if your kids haven’t seen her yet, make sure they see pictures of the injury before they see her for the first time. The first sight will be surprising. If their reaction is in front of her (instead of in front of a picture) it could really hurt her feelings.
Wonder if the little ones could play connect the dots or something and if it would make her feel less like it’s ugly and more like it’s just something different that gives her a way to play with her kids. Or, once it’s healed, if the smaller ones feeling it and saying it’s interesting or that they like that patches are smooth etc could help
Trust me, she’s gonna need your support and reassurance once those bandages come off.
I had an accident when I was young (high school) where a horse threw me off on the road and my face went across the macadam. I had rocks embedded in my face, had to get dental implant, ended up with an infection in my face, and left with scarring that resembled acne scars and worse. I was devastated once it hit me.
Took me years to come to terms with it and people can be so cruel.
My husband on the other hand tells me he doesn’t even see the scars and tells me I’m beautiful all the time. I should mention that we began dating the summer after this happened and have been married for 33 years now.
Just be there for her. Love her the way you always have. Sending healing thoughts and prayers for your wife.
Wishing you both the very best.
Oh man, that’s horrible. For you, step up and carry the load. She’ll be comforted knowing that you have things covered. I haven’t dealt with burns, but I have with major surgery and I just lifted everything off of her and told the kids we needed their help too.
You got this!
I def don’t blame you for working–rent has to get paid–but do you have a friend or relative who can go to appointments with her, make sure all the questions she had get asked and answered, and take notes on what the doctors and nurses say? I had a disabling injury almost ten years ago and I know that sometimes a doctor would say one bad thing and then ten good encouraging things and I would not remember the good things. And I would forget to ask questions. Notes helped, a lot.
I had an incident where hot bacon grease spattered on my face (luckily missed my eyes). It was first degree burns with some borderline second degree burn near my mouth, and the only scar I have from it is where it splashed in the edge of my lip (not really a scar, it’s just the lip skin didn’t grow back; it is normal skin, not scar tissue).
Hopefully y’all will know more about her diagnosis and prognosis after talking to the burn specialist, but generally 1st degree burns won’t scar and second degree may or may not. I have olive skin and tend to scar easily, so how bad she usually scars is also something to keep in mind. The best thing is to follow any care protocols from the specialist and when the new skin comes in to keep out of the sun (stay inside, sunscreen, mask, hats with visors, etc).
She’s gonna joke about it to process it. Do NOT reciprocate. She will spiral!
Reassure her you love her and will always find her beautiful. The accident and her value as a person are not related at all.
Poor girl, I agree with others that she should seek trauma therapy if at all possible.
I think she also just wants reassurance you will still love her even if she has facial scarring/damage. I would just be very explicit with your wording
“Wife, I will love you and care for you and be attracted to you and be your life partner no matter how your face looks during and after recovery. I will be there for you as we go through these changes and work towards the healing of both your body and your sense of self.”
I don’t want to give her false hope because I don’t know the extent of her burns but I had a similar accident several years ago but it was my neck and chest that got burned. It looked so bad when it happened, blisters and just raw and angry. I had to see a burn specialist too. I was truly prepared to have horrific scarring and have to hide my chest for forever initially. Some 9-10 years later, aside from a faint scar above my left breast you can’t even tell it happened. Honestly you couldn’t tell it happened a couple months after aside from some redness that took longer to fade.
Right now she’s understandably terrified, it’s a scary thing to have happen in the first place and at the moment she doesn’t know the true extent of her injuries beyond what she was told at the hospital or what healing them is going to look like long term. Especially on her face. Just be there for her, but please let her know from someone that was in a similar situation that her prognosis is likely a lot better than she thinks it is. Especially if she wasn’t admitted to the hospital. Looking back that should have been my first clue, seeing the burn specialist made me feel a lot better about it all and it may make her feel better too. Trauma therapy isn’t a bad idea either if she’s willing to go.
Above all else, give her time and be patient. Check in often and ask her how you can best support her. I hope her appointment today goes well and that she has a speedy recovery. <3
See what your insurance will cover for surgeries if you think it might come to that. Maybe check without her knowing in case they say no so you don’t raise her hopes and then crush them.
But to her, even the tiniest scar will seem huge to her. Don’t reciprocate her self deprecating humor. She may sound like she’s finding humor in it, but she’s really trying to figure out if you agree.
Something that you can do that might have an impact is to just hold her. Don’t speak, just hold her. If she’s laying in bed during the day looking kind of sad just lay next to her and hold her close.
🙏🏽🙏🏽
Ok- oil burns are absolutely painful. Tell her all her emotions are valid. It’s ok if she’s scared about scarring right now. Let her know it’s probably going to be way less bad than she thinks it will be. I’ve referred to splatter scars as my new freckles before. Let her joke about it but don’t ever take the joke farther than she does.
Ice packs over the bandages will be great to relieve pain. After the bandages come off, KEEP USING NEOSPORIN. Use it for way longer than you think. It really does help reduce scarring but I have no idea the level of her burns so it may have done severe damage to the sub skin so keeping faith in the specialists will be necessary.
Get her her favorite treats. Ask her how she’s doing physically. Then ask her what she’s feeling. Let her know she could look like Jabba the Hut and still be the hottest person in the room to you. Reminder her you’re there in sickness & in health. Ask her if she needs some alone time. Give her space if she needs it and be understanding if she suddenly decides she doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It’s probably gonna be a rollercoaster for a while but you’re there with her for the ups, downs, & everything in between.
For help healing, all the vitamin C and collagen she can handle. Food sources are the best, but supplements are ok in a crunch. My go-to collagen meal is pho with the beef broth and tons of fresh lime juice and herbs. Antioxidants, fiber, vitamins/minerals, and especially collagen will help the building blocks of what her body needs to recover get put into place. Specifically vitamins- e, k, c, d for her immune system, and B complex to make sure the systems are working at maximum effort. minerals- trace minerals, calcium, potassium; fats – healthy saturated fats (coconut oil, ghee, omega 3’s); everything else – WATER! Good, filtered water. Hydration will make a huge difference (bone broths are great for hydration + nutrients) flavonoids & antioxidants- help remove toxins and waste throughout the body; and soluble & insoluble fiber for gut health to remove waste so the body can continue healing
I spilled a whole pot of boiling water on my bare thigh in 2013 and received a huge burn (I had left it boiling for a really long time because I was drunk and forgot so it was exceedingly hot). I managed to care for it properly and you can’t even tell it happened. The pain is going to be excruciating, I have a high pain tolerance and this broke me. I was on strong pain killers for a couple weeks. Bio-oil and high IU Vitamin E will help the healing phase and calm the skin. It’s going to crust over and look/feel incredibly weird. Once the skin heals enough to use topicals for scars mederma and silicone patches helped to lighten and heal the area. It’s going to be hard due to the area, but limit sun exposure and use high SPF sunscreen, sun exposure is what causes scars to permanently discolor the new skin.
If you want I can send before and after pics to give your wife a little hope that she will heal. There are a couple people she can look up who’ve had the same accident:
– Charlene Chew
– Sandra Prikkar
“Life is an adventure.”
I’m sorry that happened to her. I suggest you visit r/SkincareAddiction and ask them how to best heal burns on the face
It’s great that she’s joking about it, but whatever you do, do not join in. She’s the only one who gets to make those jokes.
Also, you need to brace yourself for the possibility of severe scarring, and her reaction to it if it is. She could be lucky, or it could be bad. If it’s bad, it is going to devastate her and you need to be prepared for that.
Agree with asking doctors for resources: support groups, therapy. But also do you have any family nearby or close friends she’d feel comfortable with. Obviously supportive family/friends. She may still be in pain tomorrow and need help while you’re at work. Also it can be comforting having someone near.
Facebook groups are invaluable. You can do A LOT to heal from burns that an MD or ‘burn specialist,’ won’t tell you. My little sis had 2nd and 3rd degree burns down her chest from a kitchen accident. We are ADHD, so did the research, joined herbalism groups, and started trying out what others had used to recover. She was SO grateful, because her burn ended up healing ultra fast with no scarring whatsoever, and she was sure she’d be scarred for life. I think emu oil was one of the main things that helped, but aloe vera and lots of hydration will help as well. Take as much responsibility for healing as possible. Even lots of cold pressed, organic juice will help. Look into the Medical Medium. God bless.
I don’t know how bad your wife’s burns are but given that you went to a specialist, I’m guessing pretty bad. I can tell you my experience.
I have also burned my face with hot oil at work. It was just spots of my face but I had first and second degree burns. I had been given Silver Sulfadiazine (Silvadene, an Rx burn cream). I also used a homemade burn salve, which I obviously cannot recommend to you but scar cream and vitamin e oil will help with scarring.
I felt pretty bad with those spots. When I was out and about, people would look at me like I had some sort of disease. They had no idea of course, but it still hurt. My boyfriend was very supportive and reassuring. It’s good that your wife is joking already, but be extra reassuring because I’m sure she will need it.
I’m not a medical professional, again this is just my experience. Make sure to keep the burns moist. If she has any around her mouth or on her lips, it’s gonna be especially uncomfortable when it starts to dry and scab. Just a heads up. I went through lots of lip balm haha. That was the only part of mine that actually hurt after the initial incident. I was really lucky, but also accustomed to burning myself in the kitchen at work. Make sure she uses sun protection when she is able to, until then she should try her best to stay out of the sun.
I also recommend r/skincareaddiction as a resource. They are lovely there.
I really hope your wife does well and heals well. 💗
It’s gonna take a long time but you’ll get through it.
This is what I looked like. (https://imgur.com/a/xOrsE5U)
Again, it probably isn’t bad as your wife’s but I wanted to share. Hopefully it helps a little.
I have one scar on the side of my nose which is barely visable. That’s it, you cannot see any other evidence.
Head-chef here: I’ve burned my face, neck and chest with boiling water. With the right treatment (I don’t know the degree of your wife’s burns, obviously); I only have what I call my “giraffe-spots” in my neck (underneath my ear going down). Hardly noticeable unless I’ve been in the sun.
This happened roughly eight years ago.
Hope your wife has a speedy recovery!
Since you have school age children, let the school know and ask if they have any income assistance programs for families. They have options there. Also having a parent in the hospital is scary for kids so it’s good to let the school know anyway so the teachers and counselors can give the kids a bit extra TLC
Have you had news from her doctor? What do they say?
I don’t want to raise false hope but my mom burned her face pretty badly making fire with some kind of inflammable liquid, second degree burns. Everyone was really worried but it turned out like she had a very good lifting.
I would splurge on healing serums, specialists etc to get her the most optimal outcome possible. I know early action with the right vit d oils etc can help a lot with scarring
Look into the talapia fish skin treatment. Drs are experimenting and it gives a better heal than just ointments. Damaged skin doesnt mean shes ugly. She still has a family who deeply care and love her. So do your best to knock those thoughts out of her head quickly.
It will be better for her MH as well.
Src 2017 article: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-brazil-burns-idUSKBN18L1WH
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about your cooking disaster and your wife’s subsequent injuries. It’s great that you’re taking time off work to be there for her and support her. It’s understandable that she’s feeling worried about her appearance, but it’s important to reassure her that the burns will heal and there are treatments available to minimize scarring.
In terms of supporting her mental health, it might be helpful to encourage her to talk to a therapist or counselor who can help her work through her feelings and concerns. You could also try doing activities together that she enjoys and finding ways to distract her from her worries.
As for your own situation with work and childcare, have you considered talking to your employer about taking some time off to care for your family? Many workplaces have policies in place to support employees in these circumstances. Alternatively, you could look into local resources for childcare and see if there are any options that would allow you to continue working while also ensuring your children are taken care of.
Overall, just know that you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Therapy!, what degree are the burns ? This will dictate long term scars so research and help her figure this out.
About 6 years ago, I got second degree burns from my wrist to past my elbow from the same exact thing, the oil splattered everywhere. Did the doctor prescribe her silvadene cream? That will take care of not only the burns but will prevent scarring. You can only see a very faint scar from the burn on one spot on my wrist. The stuff works wonders. It is prescribed for this reason.
Carl Rogers summed up what people are longing for in times like this: They long to be *received*. So here’s the time when you make it a point to avoid being Mr. Fixit, or telling her she’ll get her appearance back in time. Because the truth is nobody knows just how far the healing will take her. And so there’s nothing you can do to make the situation better, for the most part.
But you can make it your top priority to be there with her in it so that she doesn’t have to bear that load alone. When she says something like “my life is over,” don’t try to persuade her otherwise. Instead, stretch yourself as much as possible to validate why she’d feel that way. “God I wish I could come up with something more helpful to say but the truth is if I were in your shoes, I think I’d feel exactly the same way. And nothing anybody could say would change that.”
Validation doesn’t take the underlying pain away but it can bring some relief from the sense of being alone in that pain. Focus your available energy on receiving & validating, again and again and again, for weeks or months or years if necessary.
I burnt my arm pretty badly with cooking oil a few years ago. Most of the scars have faded but I was deeply saddened by the scars and it still bothers me to look at them. Have her follow the doctors orders closely, support her as much as you can, tell her she is beautiful as she is healing. I would recommend you sign up for couples therapy and/or individual therapy now just to give her a safe space to talk through her feelings. I know this seems like a lot but I know how I felt with my arm, I can only imagine and empathize how it must feel for her.
I used antibacterial polysporin which I think helped a lot. I’m sure there are scar fading creams she can use eventually. Also, newly burned /scarred skin is like a magnet for the sun and can make the scars worse so get her a bunch of wide brimmed hats (make it a fun event, buy ones that are returnable and let her pick her favorites), the highest SPF you can find, and plan for lots of indoor activities this summer.
Edit: also get window shades for the car like they have for babies.
I’m sure your wife is very upset of what this means as far as what she may look like after these burns. Jay Leno was severally burned with gas(his face). You would not know it after burn treatment. Just be positive with everything. Sorry it happened. God bless.
I suffered an injury to my eyelid a few months ago and had to get stitches. I lost a chunk of my eyelid, couldn’t close my eye all the way and my injured eye looks smaller than my good eye. It took a hit on my self esteem for awhile. Things have since improved, but I still see the difference in my eye shapes. My husband helped initially with medical care and shuffling me around to doctors who could help, letting me rest and picking up the load around the house, etc. He was there when the injury happened and it was very bloody — he saw my injury before I did and he didn’t even make a face, he remained calm, held me, cared for me and wanted me to be okay.
When the negative self image stuff started, he remained consistent in his message that I’m always beautiful to him, I’m still healing and I won’t always feel the way I did at the time, he didn’t even notice the new shape of my bad eye and he would love me no matter what. When it healed enough to wear contacts and makeup again, I REALLY noticed the misshapen eye, but he remained that he didn’t notice anything.