I (31M) have been dating the gf (31F) for around a year. We have explosive fights where she has even physically hit me before as she felt I kept bringing up the same issue which she refused to talk about. I also found she had been entertaining flirtatious messages from a guy friend whilst laying next to me. I told her it was inappropriate and she told me she wanted to tell him in person that she had a bf and there was nothing to it. She asked if she could stay at his place. She didn’t see that as an issue despite the fact she acknowledged he wants to sleep with her.
I have become tired of fighting so much. The most recent one was where i let her know I was going to have a really long week in terms of work and would only be able to hang out on the weekend. She seemed fine with it, but brought up how this is difficult for her as we stayed together for a couple months while I was moving flats and there was a delay.
On the Thursday I confirmed I wanted to see her on Friday. When the Friday came she spoke about work via text for 2 hours. I asked her how she was feeling as she had flu and told her we could either chill or go hang out with my buddies. She then told me she’s not interested in someone who isn’t showing her effort. She ranted on and on and I eventually had to cut her short to take a call from my boss that went in for 2 hours. She got really angry about that and said we are done. So I said I agreed and that we just hurt each other.
One week later she asked if we could chat. She said she wanted to give us another try and I said I couldn’t because the secretive texting and lying about men she is associated with (saying her neighbour is just a friend and that if I think they ever did anything I need a therapist only to find out they used to hook up) has caused me to become insecure when I have never been that way before.
I also said when I try set boundaries she dismisses them. She told me she never realised this stuff hurt me and she promises to change and she begged me for another chance. I tearfully said no and that it was impacting my health as I am losing hours of sleep each night. It was heart wrenching to think of not seeing her again and how she would go back to her flat and be sad.
She told me she will make sure she changes and she is begging for us to give it one more go. We were both really sad and I just didn’t have the courage to say no and I said fine but I can’t promise I am just going to forgive and forget immediately and I need to know that the physical abuse won’t happen next time a mega argument takes place.
When I woke up the next morning I felt panicked. I regretted saying we could try again but I just didn’t have the courage to tell her once she said good morning. She told me she loved me and that she will stop with the entertaining of flirty messages with guys. She also said she would try not blow up at me like she does.
I feel we are incompatible but she keeps telling me we aren’t and that we will get through these things. On one hand I want to believe her but in the other I feel like too many things have happened for me to have complete trust in her.
I feel like a coward at the moment and I am unsure how to move forward. Is there a term for where you let empathy get in the way of your decisions so I can do some research? Any other advice?
tl;dr didn’t have the courage to tell her “no” when she begged for us to give it one more chance.
2 comments
I feel like there’s a lot to deconstruct in your post. The major points tho is that I don’t think you’ve realized that more than the incompatibility, this has reached the point of abuse & unhealthiness. It’s damaging you (the sense of anxiety you describe waking up, the physical abuse, the insecurity you feel, etc). If this has escalated so far in a year, how much worse will it get? If this was a problem that could easily be “fixed” (as she’s claiming it will be) why did it drag out till this point?
You’ve said yes, but at any point in any relationship you’re allowed and justified to back out. For any reason, but even more when it’s being damaging. I would encourage you to think of how much harder it would be to separate if you had been in this relationship for 2,3,4 years. And how much time you’d have spent on something that doesn’t have a future.
You are a classic victim of an abusive relationship.
She has all the features of an abuser and narcissistic person..
The only way forward for you is to break-up and go for therapy.
Empathy you are feeling for her is part of this vicious cycle of abuse.. The moment take her back, within a few months things will go back to being abusive…
The guilt you are feeling is normal. That doesn’t mean you have to take her back. Break up and go for therapy..
Don’t date anyone else until you are mentally ready. And under any circumstances, please to take her back.
Not now, not years into the future..
Once you get better mentally, you will be able to better understand this pattern. But for that, you need to get out this cycle of abuse RIGHT NOW!