Throw away because – you know…
I \[40m\] am a naturally empathic kind person, and my husband \[31m\] is not. For 5 years we have lived together, slept in separate bedrooms, never have sex, never really talk about anything meaningful as adults together except his expectations. Our relationship now consists of “Hi”, a small kiss on the cheek (if that), and me staying in my study, while he watches TV in the living room until bedtime. I go to work early to get out of the house and escape whatever wrath might happen when he wakes up.
Perhaps I don’t have such strong expectations, but I do have goals and dreams. Money has been the number one problem throughout the relationship. He has some, I don’t. I work extremely hard and try my best, he never had to. When I say expectations, he wanted a partner that “contributes at least half of everything”. I’m not allowed to talk about my dreams and wants because in his words “I could never afford them so don’t talk about them”. Well, I gave up everything to make this work, and I’m no further ahead. I also had to endure 5 years of emotional abuse.
The first date was nice, the second and third were also ok. But then I think I decided I wanted to try to make it work, perhaps more out of personal loneliness than anything else.
He would get upset at the state of my apartment after I had just moved to a different place, like literally the same day – he was so annoyed with the boxes that he stormed out. That was weird.
He hated my apartment and wanted me to move in with him after about 18 months of dating.
I gave up my dog because we had planned to move across the country together. I was really trying to make the relationship work. He was so upset that I didn’t answer the phone when he called because I was talking to the people taking my dog – who in reality I love more than him. Anyhow, warning number 1.
My job didn’t pay enough, and he is financially well off because of his parents. He has stated that he doesn’t want to meet my parents because he feels they are treating me wrong not giving me all their money – a literal quote. He doesn’t want me to go home for Christmas, choose a different holiday, or better yet, any random time that isn’t a holiday. Warning number 2. He never wants to go out, or meet any of my friends. His friends are over all the time, which I have to play Butler and Host for whatever party. I usually go to bed early on those days. Do not want to deal with that.
I am constantly berated and belittled, I never tried to change his ways or personality – he even thanked me for letting him be himself and not trying to change him, even tho he tells me I need to change every detail of my life to fit whatever advise he has that day. He finally said “I just want you to try and make me feel better, apologize and take the blame, even if it isn’t your fault”. Literally. Warning number 3.
Yesterday we went to the city botanical garden and he was very affectionate. Then he accused me of not making him feel special, buying him cards or flowers recently… but he wants to take a large international trip next month together and want’s me to pay half. I feel like this has become a trauma bond.
It has become me choosing the lesser of two evils. Stay and deal, or face the venom and spite when things don’t go his way and he throws a tantrum. Constantly being accused of “storming away” when he is upset and I need to go do things like – buy groceries? – go to work? – go to the pharmacy for him?
Finally, when we have arguments, or he is very upset, the only way he can talk to me is through text message – even in the same house.
TL;DR – I think I’m married to a Narcissist or in a Trauma Bond and don’t really know how to escape.
4 comments
OK. So get a divorce.
What advice do you want exactly?
If you are not happy, Its your choice to leave. It looks like he is more of a room mate with control issues. You can replace that easily.
You will never find the one you deserve to be with if you accept this as your life. You owe it to yourself to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Look at your finances and start preparing for a better life. Talk to a few lawyers to see what you will need and what your options are. Start by taking care of your needs
You already know the answer. But I think there’s one piece of advice that might occur to you. See a divorce lawyer. He might have as much assets as it seems if his funds are coming from his parents, but you deserve as much as you can get to restart your life. So definitely pay attention to what’s yours and his on paper. Good luck.
You’re going to need to get an apartment and move into it as soon as possible. The point is to create a clean break and to get away from him. Don’t give him your new address. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Things will happen fairly quickly after that. Unless you created your own prenup, the standard gives you half of the household assets. There is a good possibility with the difference in income, you’ll qualify for alimony.